The toast was just out of the toaster with a little Mayo on it.  The Provolone and smoked turkey had come from the fridge.  The bacon was warm from having just been cooked to just the right crispness in the microwave.  The sandwich was still sitting in front of her, untouched, after I had made some more bacon and toasted a slice of bread, topped it with butter, peanut butter and jelly for my own supper.

I asked what was wrong — why she had not touched the sandwich sitting in front of her.  She said it was frozen.  There was another time not too long ago when she said the same thing about a sandwich I had made for her.  Of course I did the opposite of what should be done when hallucinations mix into reality.  I complained in frustration as I took it to the microwave to heat it up for her.  I complained that I have no power to fix what isn’t there — it was impossible for it to be frozen.  When I asked what led her to believe it was frozen, she said there was ice on it — again, impossible.

While I should be past letting these things cause frustration, it is true that it is impossible to fix what doesn’t exist.  It is already using up all my coping skills dealing with what is real.  Dealing with the challenges all day and all night (sometimes) creates a very thin veneer of equilibrium.  My frustration came and went in moments, and Mary Ann ate about a quarter of the sandwich — followed by a cookie (no wonder she stays so thin even with trips out for ice cream).

Today also included lots of trips caused by some intestinal activity — not always making it in time.  Gratefully, the disposable underwear makes that occasional incontinence easier to handle.  This was a day the role of waste management was exercised.

One of the complications was that the esophageal spasms flaired up today.  When they come, there is much discomfort that lasts for hours.  This attack lasted most of the day.  I have been to the Gastroenterologist and been tested in every way known to humankind.  There is pretty much no real explanation and no treatment.

One of the routine challenges of any Caregiver is the need to continue to deal with the needs of another, no matter how small those needs may be, even when the Caregiver is sick and in pain.  It just comes with the territory.

Since last night was not a particularly good one in terms of uninterrupted sleep, we were both tired.  As a result, Mary Ann napped for a long time, and I vegetated, trying to ride out the spasms.

Mary Ann is in bed now and seems to be sleeping.  I will, hopefully, not be far behind.  I am sure she will need one or two snacks during the night since there was little consumption of food today.

Two updates:  No raccoon visitation last night either.  We will see what tonight brings. The other update is that I have managed to avoid any exercise walking the last two days.  Tomorrow is another day.

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Here we go again.  Tim says it is not Belle and the twins who have returned.  It is a new family that has moved in.  Tim’s conclusion is based on two things: One is that they could not have made it back from so far and crossed the Interstate to do it.  The second reason is that his reputation as a trapper extraordinaire would be injured if it were.

As expected, the return of the raccoons and the conversation about it has sparked Mary Ann’s expectations for seeing them in the bedroom at night.  When we arrived at the bed in preparation for lying down, she looked down to the floor along side the bed to see if she could see little feet — raccoon feet.

Assuming that we accomplish the goal, I can only hope that the trapping and relocating of this little raccoon family will remove that hallucination from the library. After we completed the task of trapping and relocating five raccoons a few weeks ago, while the hallucinations didn’t cease, there were fewer including raccoons.

Today continued to be a pretty good day.  Mary Ann did well at her morning Bible study group.  She spent much of the afternoon with a friend while I ran some errands.  They were on the deck for an hour or so on this beautiful day — something Mary Ann rarely does.  This evening another Volunteer/Friend spent a couple of hours with her.  It is especially satisfying to me when Mary Ann has had a good day and time with others.  It is tough for her to be stuck with me for long periods of time without a break.  Of course, I also appreciate the breaks.  Having time apart improves the quality of our time together.

By the way, that infernal Alien from planet Pedometer Prime that is trying to take over my body managed to send me outside to walk three times today!  This is crazy!  The little device he manipulated me into attaching to my belt says I took 17,581 steps today.  On top of that, the walks brought great pleasure since the day was spectacular.  What a devious plot this Alien is perpetrating.

Gratefully, so far I have successfully frustrated his consumption of my flesh.  By eating large quantities of meat and potatoes, chips, and sandwiches and anything else I can lay my hands on, I have reclaimed the a pound or two of the flesh that he had consumed in the last week or two.  Whew!  That was a scare.

The assessment of the condition of my body in preparation for the exercise and weight control program this Alien presence forced me to join was scheduled for tomorrow.  Maybe the power of the Alien is weakening.  The appointment was written down for the wrong day and had to be rescheduled to a day a couple of weeks from now.  Maybe I will be released from this evil possession before then.

I will report the progress on this round of the raccoon relocation project as soon as there is some.

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Danger! Danger!  Alien attacks again.  This Alien presence from planet Pedometer Prime has had his way with me again.  I was out and walking some time before 7:30am.  I had no idea there was a 7am on Monday.  I didn’t think they started measuring time until at least 9am.

The Alien and Mary Ann were in collusion.  As suspected, sleep did not go quite as well last night after a daytime nap yesterday and earlier to bed than usual.  The consequence was that she woke up at 6:45am in need of food and ready to get up.  Do you see how this played into the Alien’s hands?  After eating a single serving snack of apple sauce, she was willing to lie down again while I went out to walk for twenty minutes or so.  It seemed best not to start meds too early, since the two hour increments of medicine would end to early in the afternoon.  I put the Lifeline pendant around her neck, got water for her, the television remote for the bedroom TV and headed out.

Now, of course, I am feeling energized and positive.  You see how this Alien presence weaves his subversive plot?  Here I am writing this post and, again, it is morning — Monday morning!  I guess to be honest for those of us who are retired, there isn’t a Monday.  In fact we bought a clock from Radio Shack that shows the day of the week so that we would know what day we are in.

As I thought about Mary Ann’s increased ability to walk and the better nights, the domino effect popped into my mind.  The better nights have encouraged a change in my pattern of activity.  It seems more possible to do an exercise walk.  I am more rested and, as a result, more willing to get up in the morning to get in the walk. The walk perks up my metabolism, providing the stamina to write the post earlier in the day.

In addition, by getting up earlier, I am more ready and able to get to bed earlier.  Since I am writing the post earlier in the day, I can use the time in the evening after Mary Ann goes to bed for listening to music, or engaging in a Taizé devotion, following a reading by Fr. Ed Hayes.  The latest readings have come from his book, Prayers for a Planetary Pilgrim.

All of the above has been about me, the Caregiver.  For Mary Ann, the good news is that she has seen little of Grumpy Caregiver and more of the patient and helpful Caregiver.  My confidence in her ability to walk has freed her from my constant presence, in her face, asking her to sit back down.  She has fallen on occasion, but still not often by comparison to the past. My confidence in her ability to walk has given me the feeling of being untethered.  That has felt  remarkably freeing.

It fascinates me just how interrelated all these circumstances are.  One domino falls, touches the next.  That one hits another, that one bumps one more.  Sometimes one small change can grow into something far more substantial.

I have no illusions.  Just as the dominoes can fall for good, they can fall for bad.  The hallucinations have begun to return.  Yesterday morning, there was a Raccoon in her bed.  When we drove into the garage after church last evening, Mary Ann in a matter of fact tone, noted that they hadn’t thrown away the quills.  I asked to what she was referring.  She answered, the Porcupine quills.  She saw them distinctly.  When I got out of the car, turned on the lights in the garage and helped her out of the car, she saw that they were gone.  She was, however sure there were some in the house.  When we got in, she went into the bedroom and looked around.  She didn’t comment further on the matter. Hallucinations, of course, can interfere with her sleep and keep her up for hours.

Since she got up early this morning, she may get tired and need a nap.  A nap might impact her ability to sleep.  The domino effect could take us back to more troublesome times.

To try to avoid that path, we have made a commitment to pick up a friend, head out for lunch and a ride.  My hope is that we can keep active until Oprah.  Once that time comes, she generally stays awake until bedtime.

We live on a very narrow margin of functionality.  We can do very well one hour or day or week, and very badly just as easily.  Right now we are on a side of that margin that has been very enjoyable.  Here is hoping for more time on this side!

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After the litany of travel challenges in my last post, we have decided to add two days to this trip!  Are we crazy?  Maybe.  The challenges have continued. Tonight, as I was doing some pre-loading of the car to save time in the morning, I changed shirts to take the one I was wearing to the car.  The moment the door of the room closed behind me, I realized what I had done.  The keycards were still in the room since I had taken them out of the pocket of that shirt.

I was locked out!  Under normal circumstances, the solution would be simple.  Knock on the door and ask Mary Ann to open it and let me back in.  She was lying on the bed no more than five or six feet from the door.  I knocked on the door loudly, calling her.  Finally, I heard her voice.  She told me to wait a minute.  After a short time, I called out to her again.  That went on for a few minutes until finally she said, I can’t get out of bed.

I ended up downstairs at the desk.  The young man behind the counter had to give me a master keycard.  Mary Ann was on the bed on her back simply uable to coordinate getting up to turn the handle so that I could get in.

In the morning, Daughter Lisa will arrive with Granddaughter Ashlyn fairly early in the morning by our standards.  Lisa will give Mary Ann a shower, take her shopping and then to lunch.  I will take Ashlyn on her class trip to the pumpkin patch.  Those activities are the reason for adding one day to the trip.

Since we are only two hours away from my oldest Brother, Dick and his wife, Dee, we decided to travel there, get a motel and visit with them for the evening. That is the second day we are adding.  Neither Mary Ann nor Dee were up to traveling to the family gathering in Northern Illinois this summer.  This is a chance to make up for missing that time together.

The next two days will reveal whether or not it was wise to extend the trip.  So far we have dealt with the problems encountered as they have arisen.  My hope is that whatever is yet to come will be manageable.  We will take it one day at a time.  Gratefully, that is exactly the rate at which it comes, whatever it may be.

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First hugs from the Grandchildren answer that question.  It just isn’t easy!  Of the many things that are more difficult when traveling as a Caregiver, one of the most frustrating is the sole responsibility for packing. 

I remember hearing from single parents and those who have lost their spouse in death one of the most difficult challenges is making all the decisions without access to consultation.  There is no one to ask, should I let the kids do this or not — should I do that repair on the house? 

When packing for a trip, each has a certain amount of responsibility for remembering what to bring along.  There are endless decisions to be made.  What clothes should we bring so that we can be fitting for weather and formality of events.  If we bring one color/style of shirt or top, there need to be shoes and socks and slacks to match. 

Decisions are tough to make at best when one has the beginning stages of dementia and the other isn’t exactly on his best game.  I asked Mary Ann what she wanted to take along.  She wanted what I call her fancy pants and top.  The most hated black shoes with short heels are a part of that outfit.  I hate them (not too strong a word) because they are treacherous for her to walk in and they refuse to stay on her feet — I am chasing them constantly.  Their favorite trick is to pop off midstream in getting on or off an elevator, going in or out of a door.  Maybe it was due to a subconscious aversion to them that resulted in my forgetting to put in the knee high nylons that she wears with them. 

I work very hard at creating and sustaining certain rituals associated with medication so that there are no missteps in having what is needed, and administering it on time each day.  There are, of course, multiple prescriptions, many including more than one dose a day.  There are four compartments in each day’s plastic pill holder.  The morning one has six pills, the next one has six pills spread through the day, the next compartment has three pills spread through the day, and the night time compartment holds four pills.  There is also a powder to mix with water or juice four of the seven mornings each week.

All of it was in order for the trip, along with all the meds needed to refill the compartments for the last half of the trip.  At least that is what I thought to be true.  Saturday, after returning for the night to the extended stay motel, I began filling the compartments.  To my horror, there was no pill jar of Midodrine there.  That is the powerful med that raises Mary Ann’s blood pressure to keep her from fainting.  To stop cold turkey the next morning would be dangerous.  When I have adjusted that med in the past, the doctor has insisted that the dosage be raised or lowered a small amount at a time over many days. 

What had happened?  I had broken ritual.  The caps of the medicine bottles are numbered (Mary Ann’s idea many years ago).  Refills not yet in use have no numbers on the top.  I transfer the old cap to the new bottle when the old one is empty.  I had not put a numbered cap on the new refill of Midodrine already in use.  I grabbed only the numbered cap bottles.   

As I sat there Saturday night, looking at the pills, my panic shifted quickly to planning.  I am grateful for the national database maintained by Walgreen’s Pharmacy.  I phoned the nearest 24 hour Walgreen’s here in Louisville, KY.  They accessed our account in Kansas.  While we normally use mail order meds, the recent change in dosage had required a short term prescription at Walgreen’s.  There was a current prescription that could be filled here to rescue us from our distress. 

After I phoned and was told the refill would be ready in 45 minutes (about 11pm), I resumed filling the bottles.  To my chagrin, the Thyroid med bottle only had two pills left in it.  I suspect you can imagine just how horrified I was at my own incompetence.  This morning I suggested to Mary Ann that she might want to trade me in on a more competent Caregiver. 

This med will demand a new prescription from the doctor, since we have only the mail order prescription open.  The request is now in the hands of the Pharmacist who has assured us that by tomorrow afternoon it should all be worked out.  Gratefully, the two pills will cover Mary Ann until then.

The other travel trouble is less appropriate for publication.  It is in the area of the Caregiver’s role in waste management [see earlier post].  There has been a difficulty in that area demanding my hands on involvement for three days now, with two or three sessions each day.  Those problems seem much more troubling when dealt with away from home.

Since there is a need for a handicapped friendly environment in which to stay, the costs of traveling have increased dramatically.  Staying with folks in their home, no matter how gracious and welcoming they are, is often simply not an option.  Lodging costs add up at a frightening pace.  A trip that we have in the past made in one day, now demands an overnight stay, adding still more to the costs. 

It is a little embarrassing just how long it takes us in the morning to get ready to leave the room so that we can start the day’s activities.  The usual multiple times up at night make early rising a less than satisfying option.  The result is that there is not so much time for doing things together each day, the object of the travel. 

While this is a litany of struggles that come with traveling, the hugs more than compensate –  the smiling, enthusiastic little faces drain away the frustration and replace it with joy and satisfaction. 

Is traveling worth the trouble?  Yup!

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Then why don’t we act on the obvious solution and solve the problem!

She napped for over five and a half hours today.  She napped for over three and a half hours during the day yesterday.  I can’t remember how long she napped the day before that.  Isn’t it obvious?  Just keep her up during the day and she will sleep through the night.

I just read an article in the online newsletter from ScienceNews.  Apparently a recent study using rats associates sleep deprivation with an increased risk of experiencing Alzheimer’s Dementia.  The assumption was that the sleep problems were a result of the disease.  It now seems possible that they are part of the disease process itself. (Yes, I, too, wonder how a technician can determine if a rat has Alzheimer’s Dementia —  actually, I do know the answer to that, but I am not saying here — suffice it to say, once the information is obtained, the rat no longer needs his/her pension.)

Back to the solution.  Why not just keep her up all day?  I am sure that solution seems obvious.  If it is hard to keep a two-year-old awake when those eyes fall shut and that little body goes limp, if it is hard two get a two year old up early from a nap without a major meltdown, imagine trying to get a strong-willed, independent adult who has a right to make her own choices up from a nap when she wants and needs very much to continue sleeping.

I can remember a day some weeks ago when I managed to keep her up all day with trips here and there.  She was restless that night anyway, up and down for most of it.  On the other side of it, while things may change at any time, after having that more than five and a half hour nap today, she was tired and went to bed early this evening.  She has been sleeping soundly for the three and a half hours since then.

Obvious solutions don’t always work.  With that said, I admit that it would make sense to try to get her to sleep less during the day to increase the likelihood of sleeping soundly at night.  One of the struggles with being very assertive in waking her up is that when she is napping, I have time to myself.  I am able to concentrate on tasks and accomplish things that can’t be done when Mary Ann is awake, up and about.

Today was a spectacularly beautiful day, warm and breezy.  With the video monitor on the table next to me, I was able to sit on the deck and read, while enjoying weather, the waterfall, the birds (hummingbirds buzzing over me regularly).  I finished the book on weight control (The Volumetrics Eating Plan) with time left over for a snack of potato chips (just kidding).  I did try to get Mary Ann up a number of times after the first three of the five and a half hours, but she just couldn’t do it.  She had said she felt pretty bad when she laid down this morning — no wonder after two nights of almost no sleep.I knew she needed the rest.

I guess, if I appreciate the time the daytime napping gives me, I shouldn’t whine about the restless nights.  I concede the point.  The glitch is that I am not getting much sleep either.  I could try to nap whenever she naps.  That also makes sense.  Were I to do that, my every waking moment would be centered around her needs.  To survive and remain useful to Mary Ann, I need some time to myself when I am awake.

Sometimes obvious solutions don’t really work as well as logic would suggest they should.  I suspect that those looking in from the outside lose patience when obvious solutions are not used to solve the problem about which the Caregiver is complaining

As I was preparing to write this post, I thought about the legions of Caregivers out there.  First of all, every parent has experienced the challenges of caregiving, unless they have abandoned their responsibility to their child[ren].  Single parents, especially those with more than one child have challenges I can’t even begin to comprehend.  There are many who have responsibilities to their children (they never end, no matter how old the children become) and at the same time responsibilities in caring for their aging parents.  There are those who have severely troubled children, physically and/or mentally.  They struggle to care for them, some have to make tough choices demanding allowing others to do the care at a facility outfitted for that care, having around the clock staff to give that care.

I have the luxury of having only one person who needs my full time attention.  Gratefully, our children do not need our care.  In fact they are members of the sandwich generation, raising their children and concerned for our needs as well.

All in all, I guess I should stop whining.  I won’t, but I should.  I think those who are full time Caregivers need some whining time.  Blogging is great, since it creates the illusion that there are people listening.

Whether anyone is listening or not, it helps to talk about it.

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Last night was pretty tough — up and down all night long, then up this morning at 6:45am.  The same is happening as I write this and has been going on for two or three hours.  There is no point in my trying to head in to bed yet since the activity is constant at the moment.  She has been climbing in and out of bed for no apparent reason with only minutes in between. 

While, again, it is a function of the disease, it is no less frustrating.  The time that I have generally claimed as my own in these late hours after Mary Ann goes to bed is coming to no longer be my time.  Tonight I set upon having some spiritual renewal time.  There is a podcast of  the Saturday worship service at the Taize Community in France.  The music is the sort that draws the participant in with a beautiful simplicity.  The readings are done in at least three, often more, languages.   There is a calm and peace that seems to include in community people like me, listening from thousands of miles away. 

I had first read a weekly poetic devotion by Fr. Ed Hayes, whose writings have had much impact on my personal Spiritual journey.  The reading suggested lighting a candle.  I haven’t done it in a very long time, but I pulled out a votive candle, placed in on the worship center, a cabinet built precisely for that purpose, with stained glass inserts in the doors.  I lighted another candle in a tall walnut candle stand made by my Dad, many decades ago.  Next to that candle stands the Shepherd’s Staff made by a parishioner and given to me at my retirement, a symbol of my forty years of ministry. 

A small iron Celtic Cross stands on the cabinet next to the votive candle.  Joining the Cross and candle on the worship center is a large ceramic bowl with lettering and symbols painted on by the other Staff members and again, given at my retirement.  The words are the summary of the congregation’s sense of purpose, “Grow in Faith.  Share Christ’s Love.”  The bowl is a symbol of Baptism, in our tradition, understood to be that first encounter with the Grace of God, an act of unconditional love by God, initiating relationship. 

One other item on that worship center is a simple memento of a long-standing friendship with a small group of parishioners from the first parish  I served as pastor.  It is a small beveled glass case with found items, pine cones, dried weeds, parts of plants, stones picked up on a trip together to Alaska many years ago.

With the candles and the light from the computer screen only,  I began the Taize worship.  As I settled in enjoying the sensations that come with such an experience, the monitor screen that keeps me aware of what Mary Ann is doing as I sit here, revealed the activity.  Since she is at risk of falling when she gets up, needs help to use the commode, to manage the cup of ice water next to her bed, to turn over in bed, her activity demands my participation. 

I have stopped and started the worship a number of times, getting more frustrated each time, resenting the loss of the freedom to enjoy the experience.  There is a odd sort of irony, that the very thing that helps me maintain a healthy equilibrium in caring for Mary Ann, is doing the opposite tonight. 

As the Neurologist allowed, I have just this evening increased the dosage of Seroquel, which is the medicine that both reduces the hallucinations and helps with sleep.  The last increase was not enough.  It is too soon to assess the effectiveness of this increase.  Certainly, the hallucinations have not decreased yet, they continue to be on the increase.  Just moments ago she told me to be careful of the little girl when I was adjusting her sheet.  This morning when she first got to the table for pills and breakfast, as soon as I turned on the light, she tried to show me the blood on her hands.  I think she believed it to be from the raccoons or whatever biting her.  There was, of course, no blood. 

Last night’s post mentioned my need for better choices in the area of diet and exercise for the sake of this Caregiver staying healthy.  Last night, today and tonight have revealed again the difficulty of following through with such plans.  When there are nights like these that string together, it is just survival mode.   A steady pattern of changed behavior seems completely out of reach.   I am still reading the book offering helps for improving the diet part of the problem.  Maybe some changes can be folded into our days. 

As Scarlett would say, “I’ll think about that tomorrow.”

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It just sounds like complaining, endless whining.  Caregivers are often very boring conversationalists.  Someone says, “Hello, how are you?”  Caregiver responds, “I was up fifteen times last night and eight times the night before.  We slept late in this morning, but I can’t concentrate enough to read anything more than the captions on pictures.  Simple tasks seem overwhelming, and by the way, what is your name, and what is it that you just asked me?”

Last night was a moderately restless night for Mary Ann.  We were up maybe once in each hour during the night for one thing or another.  That pattern is more bearable than the really restless nights when it is multiple times throughout the night.  She got up early this morning, but napped for a couple of hours. It just doesn’t seem to work for me to try to turn on the napping switch and sleep whenever she takes a nap during the day.  Anyway, I relish the time to do the things I can’t do when she is awake and in need of help.

The truth is, there is no way to communicate to anyone who isn’t in the same circumstances just how hard it is to get pretty much of anything done when the sleep patterns are completely erratic, with no ability to plan when there will be sleep and when there won’t be sleep.

While I was on the retreat in Oklahoma, our Daughter Lisa stayed with Mary Ann.  The first of the two nights, Mary Ann was very restless, and Lisa didn’t get much sleep.  Mary Ann was up early as she usually is after a restless night .  The next night, they both slept like a rock and slept late into the morning.  When we talked after I returned, it was apparent that she had a sense of what it is like to have the kind of erratic sleep patterns that are our normal experience.  She, of course has two young children and knows what is it like to have difficult nights and little sleep.

It is just nice to have someone in the circle of support who understands how hard it is to plan and do anything when there is no sleep pattern.  One of the reasons that I enjoy the trip to the Spiritual Renewal Center is that the many hours of uninterrupted sleep seem to return my ability to read and understand what I am reading.  I can’t say that I have read any of the book on Quantum Physics and Theology other than on the Oklahoma Retreats.  I often feel embarrassed at how little I manage to get done each day, and how poor my memory has become.  I am hoping that both are a function of the sleep patterns rather than the disintegration of my brain.

One of the problems the lack of sleep increases in Mary Ann is the intensity of the hallucinations.  I have mentioned that often before.  Today, she got up and headed toward the bedroom.  I asked what she was doing.  She was reluctant to tell me, probably not wanting to hear my opinion on whether or not she should be trying to do what she was planning.  She was going in so that she could sew a button on.  I don’t know what button needed to be sewn on to what.  She had just asked me to help her take off a corduroy shirt of mine that she uses as a warm layer to wear when she is cold.  After I took it off, she hung on to it, rather than letting me put it on the railing post, as usual.  I inferred that she had in her mind that there was a button that needed sewing back on that shirt.  There were no buttons missing.

I did not interfere with her plan.  I decided I would only intervene if she ended up with a needle in her hand and was hurting herself.  I stayed out of the bedroom as much as possible while she got out some balls of thread (probably more for cross stitching or something like that) and handled them for a while. I never saw a needle in her hand.  I just waited it out, helping a little when the thread on a couple of the balls got tangled.

I still don’t know exactly what was in her mind, nor do I know what went through her mind as she finally put the balls of thread back into the drawer and gave up on the plan.  I do know that it is painful to watch her confront the losses she has been suffering for so many years. The losses have been going on for twenty-two years in one way or another, sometimes more slowly than at other times.  Today was one of the times the contrast was especially obvious between the skilled sewing (made our first drapes, has made many quilts) she has done in the past and the inability to so much as get a needle, the thread and sew on a button — as well as the confusion about what was or was not there needing the sewing.

While I am busy complaining about the frustrating sleep patterns, she is busy trying to survive the loss of so much of what brought her joy and satisfaction throughout her life.  I guess I just need to finish this and get to bed so that I will have less to complain about.  So far tonight she has stayed asleep.  We will see how the rest of the night goes.

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Remind me how much I loved weeds and bugs as a child.  I seem to remember writing something about that in an earlier post.  I just about had my fill of weeds and bugs on this trip to St. Francis of the Woods.

I have always loved the outdoors, but I have also always loved being comfortable.  Trudging through waste high, sometimes head high, weeds for a couple of hours, bugs surrounding me, checking me out at close range, stretched my idyllic view of the outdoors to the limit.

I remember walking the woods at my parents’ place in Northern Illinois, loving everything but the deer flies.  They kept me from idealizing the outdoors beyond reality.  Then there was the Poison Ivy.  The world of nature can be a hostile place.

This trip to St. Francis of the Woods was different from the last few times I have gone.  When possible, I usually go after the first frost and before the bugs have come out in the spring.  Cool and crisp air, dried weeds and clear skies have welcomed me the last few years.  This time it was warm, muggy and cloudy.

With that introduction, you might suspect that this trip was not a good experience.  It was.  First of all, while I am concerned for the environment and the well-being of all creatures, insects included, it seems to me that the person who invented the insect repellent Deet should be awarded the Medal of Honor.  I was not bitten by one mosquito, nor did I find one tick on my body, and while the bugs were everywhere, when they landed on me, they didn’t stay for long.

One benefit of coming at this time of the year was that there were flowers everywhere.  The sights were beautiful.  The flowers drew butterflies.  There were all sorts of butterflies of different sizes and colors.  Every once in a while one or two would land on me as I walked through the weeds.  There was one particular species that caught my eye.  It was probably a Fritillary, but I am way outside of my comfort zone in naming a butterfly other than a very few.  It was fairly large, and the brightest, almost, iridescent orange.  There might be as many as three flying around one another in a cluster.

There are now a couple of bee hives at the corner of one of the fields that I walk through.  I gave them a fairly wide berth.  Through the binoculars, I could see hundreds of bees flying in and out and all around the hives.  I am not particularly fearful of bees, but I didn’t want to have any unnecessary encounters by moving into their home territory.  I noticed as I walked through a nearby field, that the flowers were covered with bees.  St. Francis should have a great harvest of honey when the time comes.

The first evening’s trip through the woods provided no bird sightings at all.  The next day, there was more activity.  I was snorted at by some deer hiding in the woods as I walked by.  At one point a couple of does ran through the weeds in front of me from the woods on one side to the woods on the other.  There were a couple of groups of White Pelicans flying overhead, appearing to be headed the wrong direction for a fall migration.

It was hard to find a spot to put my three legged stool so that I could read a bit.  I didn’t want to be completely buried among the weeds.  I managed to find a spot with short enough weeds that I could sit, eat an apple and then read a very few pages.  The muggy, warm air and flying bugs around my sweaty brow made it uncomfortable enough to discourage me from staying long. I did catch sight of a flock of Common Nighthawks going by.  They are not often seen in the daytime except when passing through in the spring and fall.  Nighthawks are in a family of birds called Goatsuckers.  I just get a kick out of knowing that and saying the word “Goatsuckers.”  I need to check online some time to find out how that name was chosen for them.  I wonder if it had anything at all to do with goats?

I walked down to a newly discovered pond very close to the cottage I was staying in.  The pond was sort of ugly and messy looking, very small.  I saw a large turtle sunning itself when I came closer to the pond.  It slid into the water since I was too close for comfort.  I looked at the water through the binoculars to see if I could locate more turtles under the water.  Then I saw him.  I can’ t really know for sure how big he was, since he was just under the water at the edge of the pond nearest me.  The light refracting through the water can make something look bigger than it is.  It was a Snapping Turtle that appeared to be close to two feet long and a foot and a half wide.  He looked far too big to be living in such a small pond.  I watched him for a long time, and when he moved, I was glad he turned away and moved down farther into the pond.  I would not have been interested in him coming my way.

The most meaningful and valuable time on this retreat was the four and a half hours of catching up with a friend from the Oklahoma City area that I hadn’t seen in over thirteen years.  I have to say that John is as close a friend as I have ever had in my six and a half decades.  During the nine years in Oklahoma City, John and I spent many hours early in the morning at Ingrid’s German Deli talking about our faith and journey we were on living it out, John caring for Sherrie, dying of Cancer, and me dealing with the impact of Mary Ann’s Parkinson’s on our household.

When I went on ahead of the family to start serving the congregation in Bethany, Oklahoma, I lived for five months with John and Sherrie, and their children, Hope and Joel.  I cannot imagine more gracious hosts.  Their spirituality was a marvel to behold.  I have been around lots of folks who are committed to their faith, and sharing it with others.  John and Sherrie did it with such genuineness and humility that those around them never were made to feel inferior.

I had the privilege of ministering to and being ministered to by Sherrie as the Cancer entered her life and became the means through which she touched the lives of so many on her way to her death — and life with the Lord on the other side of death.  I had the additional privilege of conducting her funeral, attended by so many that the Sanctuary couldn’t hold them.

If that was not enough, I had the joy of performing the marriage of John and Peggy, as each was led to the other at precisely the right time to begin building a new life together.  It was refreshing to hear how their spirituality has grown and how their life together has unfolded in the years between then and now.

Not only did the retreat provide the refreshment that comes from engaging the natural world at close range, being fed by a meaningful friendship, but I probably accumulated almost twenty-four hours of uninterrupted sleep in those two nights.  This morning there was a gentle rain with soft rumbles of thunder on occasion in the background, providing the perfect setting for lying in bed, sort of semi-conscious, just savoring the moment.

All went well with Mary Ann while I was gone.  Daughter Lisa had some good quality time with her Mom, and Son Micah, Becky and Chloe were able to come over so that we could eat Pizza together tonight.

The time away provided the opportunity to think through how things are going for Mary Ann and me.  As always, there has come a renewed resolve to be more effective as a Caregiver.  Whether that resolve will result in any changes in what I do and how I do it remains to be seen.

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When Mary Ann got up from her chair once this afternoon, as usual, I got up from my chair to ask where she was going so that I could help her if needed.  She came the few steps toward me, placed her hands appropriately and began to dance.  This will be no surprise to those who know me well, but even after 22 years of Parkinson’s Disease, several heart attacks and blocked arteries, a stroke, a life-threatening bout with pneumonia, and now a couple of years into Parkinson’s Disease Dementia, she can still dance better than I can.  I stood and swayed a little, while she actually danced.  This is certainly a confusing little world in which the two of us are living.

The last couple of days have been better than the one I recounted in my last post.  Yesterday, Volunteer Edie came in the morning while I headed up to the lake to read, listen to music and watch the wildlife.  As always, Edie made a full and tasty meal for us, so Mary Ann actually ate well.

The meal I had prepared the night before did not thrill Mary Ann (pork chops, stir fried fresh veggies from parishioners’ gardens, and Uncle Ben’s butter and herb rice cooked in chicken broth).  That Saturday was pretty much a bust from beginning to end.

Sunday not only included the good meal that Edie had prepared, but there were football games.  Mary Ann is the more enthusiastic football fan in the house.  Both the Chiefs and the Bears lost, so she was not as pleased as she would have been had either or both won.

Today was a pretty normal day.  Zandra came to give her a shower.  That happens Mondays and Wednesdays.  We got out to the library, which she loves.  The library happens to be near G’s frozen yogurt, so there was the obligatory stop there.

A Volunteer, Jolene, came to spend time with Mary Ann after supper while I headed up to the spot with the view about ten minutes from our house.  I took with me a number of CD’s that I had picked up at the library.   After listening to one of the Celtic CD’s, I put in a CD of Taizé music.  Taizé is a community in France to which young people in particular come to be spiritually renewed.  I haven’t been there, so I can’t really describe what it is like other than what I have heard and read.  The Taizé community is known worldwide for their worship life and liturgical music.  The music is simple, with refrains that are repeated many times, often sung in harmony by whoever has gathered for worship.  Taizé music is in many languages.  It seems to be a place at which national boundaries cease to divide.

The music felt like a life preserver to me this evening.  It is my hope that I will find accessible Taizé resources to add some more disciplined regular times of spiritual refreshment in my days.  I suspect it might help raise the quality of care for Mary Ann and the quality of life for both of us.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.