Today was our semi-annual visit to the Neurologist at the KU Medical Center’s Movement Disorder’s Clinic.  Dr. Pahwa is a national level Neurologist specializing in Parkinson’s Disease.  We have struggled mightily with this disease every time we have not been seeing either Dr. Koller before him or Dr. Pahwa.  Geography and insurance interfered with access to KU Med for a number of years during the twenty-two since Mary Ann’s diagnosis.

We are pretty well convinced that we have the best care available.  That is both good news and bad news.  It is good news since we have access to the latest and most effective treatments.  The bad news is that there is not much else we can do to improve Mary Ann’s ability to function.   This is the best we can expect.

Today, we reviewed the medications.  We reported on the changes that have been made.  At Mary Ann’s request, we reduced the dosage of Sinamet, the primary medication that treats the motor symptoms of Parkinson’s.  It is the same medication that has been used for decades.  With all the promising research projects going on, and the various news stories touting a potential cure, not much has changed since the middle of the last century in treating Parkinson’s.

The benefit of reducing the medication is that it has lots of side effects.  Since reducing the dosage Mary Ann has had fewer and less intense hot flashes that are shorter in duration.  There is a little less of the dyskinetic movements (as seen in Michael J. Fox) during the day.  Dr. Pahwa confirmed that change to be appropriate.  That is a medication that often is left to the patient to determine how much is taken.  Those changes are done within the range acceptable to the Neurologist.

I reported the increase in the Midodrine to keep Mary Ann’s blood pressure high enough to reduce the fainting spells (Orhostatic Hypotension) to a more manageable level of intensity and frequency.  The change in that medication was done in consultation with our Cardiologist, who prescribed the Midodrine.

We talked about the increase in hallucinations and their interference with sleeping.  As expected, he suggested a small increase in a medication called Seroquel.  He reminded us that one problem with increasing the Seroquel is that it can make the blood pressure problem worse.  Again, we are riding on a tiny margin between side effects battling one another.  We are in hopes that the contest will end in a draw.

I made the mistake of mentioning something about the online Lewy Body Dementia spouses’ group and information about the Autonomic Nervous System I researched on the Internet.  I can only guess that he is frustrated with Patients and Caregivers who second-guess his recommendations based on the often bad information.  I just made the observation that in looking up what the Parasympathetic side of the Autonomic Nervous system governs, the list included pretty much every area in which Mary Ann has a problem.  He was not rude, nor did he say anything much in response.  He just moved on to closure of the appointment.

I trust his knowledge and experience.  I just recognize that the more we know about the disease, the better we can do at dealing with multiple doctors and the more likely we are to make good decisions by actually understanding the options and their implications. That knowledge has been especially helpful when Mary Ann has gone to the Emergency Room and/or has been hospitalized.  The medical professionals there deal with such a variety of problems that they can’t possibly keep up on the details of all of the various diseases.

The next appointment is six months from now.  We will see if the increase in Seroquel has a positive effect.  Dr. Pahwa is willing to increase the dosage more if this does not work.  He increased the dosage from 100mg to 125mg.  He suggested that we move to 150mg if the smaller increase doesn’t move the hallucinations back to a level that does not interfere with sleep.  That decision is in our hands.

At the moment, we seem to have the best of what is available to deal with the Parkinson’s and the Dementia.  While we would like to have a better quality of life, our job is to make the best of what we have.

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She is in bed watching the Chiefs play a pre-season football game.  They have not been doing well tonight, but they just scored a touchdown.  After the variety of problems reported in the last two evenings’ posts, today has been a better day for Mary Ann. 

She slept through the night with the usual few trips to the commode.  She got up at 9am.  The hallucinations seem to have subsided some for the moment.  She has been up all day, and went to bed to watch the rest of the game at about 8:30pm.  Of course there is no telling whether she will get to sleep or have a restless night after the game. 

There was a point this morning when she began to shut down some, but I offered to wash her hair.  She appreciates getting that done, so she chose to stay up.  After that we got in the car, ate a good lunch at Boss Hawg’s BBQ, ran errands that lasted long enough that we could justify getting a treat at G’s Frozen Custard.  There was a visit to the Library included.  We rounded out the errands with a trip to the grocery store. 

By that time it was late enough in the afternoon that we could watch the news and have a late supper.  I am, of course, hoping that keeping moving all day will help her sleep well tonight. 

As an update on the fainting problem, the Orthostatic Hypotension (the inability of the body to adjust the blood pressure after standing up), Mary Ann has returned to a more manageable pattern.  There is still some fainting, but not so much as to keep us homebound.  The episodes are fewer and generally milder.   The timing of the improvement seems to suggest that it just took the increase in dosage of Midodrine (blood pressure raising medicine) a few days to work.  Gratefully, the semi-annual Echocardiogram (and carotid artery ultrasound) is coming in about a month.  That will help us see how her heart is holding up to the raised blood pressure.  I have some concern that when I checked her BP the previous two days it was pretty low.  That might suggest that the Midodrine dosage is not adequate.  What encourages me is that the fainting spells have not increased.  I suspect it is too risky to raise the dosage of the Midodrine any more. 

One bit of good news on the periphery of our struggle is that the Black Walnut end table that my Dad made has been fixed and returned.  That is the one that broke one of the times Mary Ann fainted last month and fell on it.  (She was not hurt!)  Some good folks from the congregation, Myron and Orvin, worked on it and made it stronger than before by reinforcing it underneath.  They also  added a beautiful and protective new finish to it. 

The Chief’s lost, but it is only the first pre-season game.  Time will tell.

Today was a better day.  How tonight will go remains to be seen.  Then tomorrow is another day.   We will see what comes!

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It has just turned into an impossibly frustrating night.  Mary Ann is in hallucination mode.  We were on hands and knees with her face within inches of one of the wheels on a leg of the bed, and she said, there it is, the baby raccoon.  Not long before that, she told me a raccoon had “taken a dump” on the sheet at the foot of the bed, and asked me to clean it up.  It took a long time of looking at that sheet for her to accept that the poop was no longer there, although since then she has not allowed me to pull the sheet up over her.  For the last half hour she has been picking up needles with thread in them from the floor.  I turned on the overhead light with four 60watt bulbs burning brightly and put her glasses on her face so that she could see clearly what was and was not there.  She still kept picking up the needles fearful that someone would get them stuck in a foot.  

I am now at the computer looking at her on the video monitor as she is leaning over the side of the bed busily trying to pick up things from the floor.  I am helpless to do anything about it!  I can only hope that at some point she will get tired enough that she will lie down and go to sleep.   She went to bed at about 9:30pm, it is now 11:30pm.  This could go on for hours. 

Tonight there was a Volunteer here with Mary Ann so that I could be at the computer attending an online Webinar provided by the Progressive Supranuclear Palsy (PSP) online support group.  PSP is in a family of diseases that overlaps with Lewy Body Dementia (LBD).   Parkinson’s Disease Dementia (PDD) is a Dementia with Lewy Bodies. 

While the specifics of PSP are somewhat different from PDD, the Caregiving dynamics are pretty much the same.  The primary presenter tonight was Janet Edmunson, whose husband, Charles, was diagnosed with PSP.  After he died, the autopsy revealed that a more accurate diagnosis was Cortical Basal Ganglionic Degeneration (CBGD) which is another in the family. 

One of the characteristics of PSP that she mentioned certainly rang true for Mary Ann (who is now up and at it again in the bedroom).  She called it impulsivity.  That means the person remaining convinced that he/she can still do things he/she is no longer able to do. 

I just made another trip into the bedroom to see if I could do anything to help her settle.  This time as I was trying to get her back into bed, she told me that she was cold and wanted to go home.  When I asked her where she was, she didn’t know, just that she was cold and this wasn’t home.  I asked her to lie down for a while under the covers so that I could finish writing and come to bed.  As she was starting to lie down, Mary Ann commented that the girl was going to fall on her head, but then the girl didn’t.  When I asked who it was, she said, Lisa (our Daughter).  When I asked where Lisa was, she said she was on the wall.  When I asked her if it was the real Lisa or a picture, Mary Ann said something about “the pick of the litter.”  She did recognize when she said that that it made no sense. 

Back to the Webinar.  Janet Edmunson listed some suggestions for Caregivers. 

  • Determine what you are passionate about and find a way to spend at least a little time regularly, keeping it in your life.
  • Explore life’s adventures, store up memories while you and your Loved One are able. 
  • Give yourself credit, affirming just how strong you have been even when pushed to the limits.  She quoted Eleanor Roosevelt’s comparing people to tea — we don’t know how strong we are until we are in hot water.
  • Give yourself grace (forgive yourself) when you blow it.  If you seem to be “blowing it” extremely often, get help. 
  • Accept that some friends will no longer visit, especially when your Loved One can no longer communicate.  It doesn’t mean they no longer care.  Suggest that they come in pairs so that they can talk with each other as your Loved One simply listens. 
  • The personality changes in your Loved One are not your Loved One, but the disease.  One of the consequences of the disease is that the filter, the value system, gets eroded. 
  • Consider using Hospice sooner rather than later.
  • It is normal to grieve even before your Loved One dies.
  • Look for gifts that only this type of tragedy can afford.

She concluded with this wish for Caregivers: May this make you better, not bitter. 

Well, I think I had better get into the bedroom and see if my going to bed helps any.  Her head has stayed still for the last few minutes.  By the way, when she was first getting into bed tonight, for some reason she asked me to take her blood pressure.  It was 110/70.  Can’t ask for better than that.  Her pulse is usually 60 or less, but this time it was 89.  I suspect the excitement of the hallucinations may have increase her heart rate.

It is now 12:30am.  Here is hoping and praying that she can stay settled for the night. 

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

It seems so unfair to complain about frustrations with someone who is suffering from such a terrible cluster of diseases, Parkinson’s Disease, Parkinson’s Disease Dementia, and heart disease on top of all that.  My aches and pains and various annoyances are tiny by comparison to Mary Ann’s challenges.

Someone in the Lewy Body Dementia Spouses online group replied to me this way [I am paraphrasing]:  You may not have the disease, but, as the primary Caregiver, you suffer from it too.

Those of you who know Mary Ann love her and respect her very much.  Those who know her best know that she has a chip on her shoulder that refuses to allow her to let anyone push her around.  It is one of the things that drew me to her and one of the things that drives me crazy!

With this complex and maddening combination of symptoms that come and go and come again, sometimes in minutes, dealing with the ordinary daily activities can be utterly frustrating.

Mary Ann can move from concluding something completely untrue and impossible in her less lucid moments, seeing things that simply are not there, to being completely clear in her thinking, remembering events more accurately than can I. One result of the times of dementia and lucidity being interwoven together, is that I am not sure whether to take seriously what she is saying or not.  I am not sure if she is confused about something, unaware of what she is really saying or doing, or she is willfully exercising pushback, proving again that she can do what she chooses no matter what effect it has on me.

Last night was a restless night.  No amount of begging her to stay settled in bed could keep her from getting up.  Again, there were multiple trips to the commode, even when there appeared to be little or no actual need to use it.  There were changes in the covers, shifts from facing one direction to facing another, need for a snack.  Then this morning she decided to get up at 6:45am to eat and take pills.  Normally, she sleeps until 8:30am or 9:30am.  I was up with her most of the first half of the night.  There is no point in my trying to get to bed and to sleep during her restless times.

After pills and breakfast she wanted to watch television.  Once she is up, I have to be there with her, awake and accessible to her since she gets up and walks, subjecting herself to the likelihood of a fall.  Her schedule determines mine.  She reluctantly agreed to lie back down in bed.  Gratefully, she slept for almost three hours, allowing me to do the same to try to make up for a very sleepless night.

The frustrations continued with our at least daily battle over what to eat.  There were available to her, chicken salad that I had made, fresh sliced smoked turkey and provolone cheese, some lasagna from the freezer, some roast beef and vegetables from the freezer, eggs, bacon, fresh strawberries, blueberries, cantaloupe. seedless white grapes.  I spent at least forty-five minutes trying to get a response on what she would eat.  She came out to the kitchen in her search for something else different from what I had offered.  I asked about the lasagna, which she had liked very much.  She said it wasn’t as good the second time.  That one pushed me to the edge.  I asked again about the smoked turkey.  She said no.  Then, after almost an hour of this, she mentioned salami.  We had gotten that when we got the turkey at the store. It was hard for me to accept that it took that long to find our way to something she was willing to eat.

My assessment of her goal was that we go out to eat.  Since we can’t afford to eat out every day, that goal is frustrating to me.  We had gone out the last three days.  To waste all that food in the refrigerator because it just didn’t measure up to the wants of the moment is an intolerable thought to me.

The rest of the day was spent watching reruns of the most depressing and demoralizing accounts of the criminal behavior presented in vivid detail in a marathon of one of the incarnations of the Law and Order Series.  Since the house is small and I need to be very accessible to Mary Ann, it was hard to avoid at least seeing portions of some of them.

We did manage to get out for a while (a very hot day) to get some ice cream.  Then there was church tonight.  We had some freshly made food brought over to the house by a parishioner and friend later in the afternoon.

In writing this post, I have risked diminishing Mary Ann by speaking so candidly about my frustrations.  She has reason enough to be frustrated with me at least as much as I am with her at times.  She does not have the luxury of writing out those frustrations for others to read.

As unfair as it is, this is one of the ways I process my frustrations so that I can maintain my equilibrium as I serve her needs all day every day — and night.  My hope is that by putting my frustrations into words here, I can be a better husband and Caregiver to her for as many years as we have left together.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

There is no clear and consistent reason that is obvious to either of us that explains the restless nights that come at random — and far too often.  Sometimes there have been a couple of long naps during the day that might explain it.  Not this time.  Sometimes there is caffeine later in the day; there was a little in the mid-afternoon.  Sometimes there has not been enough in her stomach, occasionally due to poor timing of an ice cream treat, stealing her appetite for supper.  Sometimes there is an activity the next day that has caught her attention and refuses to allow her to relax.

Sometimes it is the hallucinations.  That was the presenting reason two nights ago.  When I was using the monitor to watch, her head would lift up quickly and the she would look intently at something.  Her head moved in that way every minute or so, often less than a minute.  Often she would be up on her elbow, many times up and sitting on the side of the bed.  It lasted until some time between 3:30am and 4:00am.

The hallucinations were the usual ones, animals, threads, needles, people.  While I recognize there is a disease producing the problem, nonetheless, I got more frustrated as the night wore on.  There was, of course, no reasoning away the hallucinations.

Not long after we both finally got to sleep (a couple of commode trips during the sleep time), it was time for me to get up, since Wednesday morning is the Spiritual Formation group that meets on the deck at 7:30am.  I get up at 6:30am each Wednesday and move as quickly as I can to get myself showered and dressed, the coffee made (the most important task), set up the deck, get Mary Ann’s pills and yogurt and ice water and granola bar opened.

Normally on Wednesday mornings, I set up all the above items in the bedroom on a table next to her transfer chair so that if she wakes up before the group is done, she can get her pills taken and food in her stomach on her own.  She almost always sleeps until the bath aid comes around 9am.

Not yesterday!  After being awake and active until perhaps 3:45am, she got up shortly after 7am.   As a result, I needed to stay with her rather than go out to join the group.  After about forty-five minutes, she chose to get back into bed for a while.  I was able then to go out and participate in the group for a time.

It is embarrassing to admit how selfish I am, but I was mostly concerned about the pain in my back and the fact that both the night and my morning were being stolen from me.  I should have  been  more concerned about the challenges the day would bring Mary Ann, since she would be tired and the hallucinations would be worse  than usual.

The day went surprisingly well yesterday.  I began this post last evening but was too tired to finish it.  I just shut down.  We both got a decent night’s sleep last night.  For a few hours today, we had the wonderful gift of a young lady who lifted the wheel chair in and out of the car for a grocery store trip and our Parkinson’s Support Group meeting.  Since then a challenging commode trip and return to bed has irritated my back again, but it still seems to be improving some.  She appears a little restless at the moment, but I hope for some rest tonight.  As always, we will just see what tomorrow brings.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

Nine and a half hours each way, took me to the family reunion in Northern Illinois and back — one day driving, one day there, one day driving back.  There have been consequences to so much time driving.  I went by myself.  As the Reunion approached, Mary Ann’s increase in frequency and intensity of fainting spells made it seem pretty foolish to try to make a trip to Northern Illinois for the Reunion, then to Kentucky to spend time with the kids there, then back home to Kansas. 

Recognizing how much I wanted to see the family, Daughter Lisa and her family offered to come here and stay with Mary Ann while I drove to the Reunion.  They had a good time.  Son Micah and family came over to join them all at our house.  They had a mini-reunion of their own.  I missed out on it, but Mary Ann was the center of attention for the weekend — a wonderful treat for her.   

Actually she did very well.  Lisa reported that the nights went well.  The night I returned did not go so well.  When I said something about her behaving better at night for Lisa than for me, she simply observed that she knew me longer than Lisa.  She hasn’t lost her dry sense of humor. 

The time in Northern Illinios was well spent.  I arrived just in time for the Friday evening dinner celebrating two siblings and spouses’ fiftieth wedding anniversaries.  We noted that at this point the five siblings have logged 246 years of marriage between them (56, 50, 50, 4 7 and 43).  Add the years our parents were married (59) and the total grows to 305 years for six couples.  As one of the Sons-in-Law noted, that is a pretty good model for those who follow. 

In an album one sibling’s Daughter put together was a picture from our parent’s fiftieth wedding anniversary many years ago.  They were married in 1926.  I remember when looking at that picture of the whole family the first time I saw it in 1976.  Even though by then I was thirty-three years old (married with two children), it was the first time I realized that I was part of an extended family.  I am the youngest sibling by almost seven years.  I felt like an only child.  When I saw that picture, my whole perspective changed.  I became part of a family. 

We enjoyed our time together exchanging the same old family stories, laughing as if it was the first time we had heard them.   Saturday included another, less formal gathering and meal.  There was lots to be discovered about nieces and nephews, great nieces and nephews, great-grand nieces and nephews. 

Saturday also included time with one of Mary Ann’s Sisters-in-Law, renewing the connection with her family.   I would assess Mary Ann to be favorite Aunt Mary in that clan.  Two of her brothers are deceased and the third is estranged.  She has always felt close to her nieces and nephews. 

Later in the day, I got to spend time with one of Mary Ann’s lifelong friends and her husband.  Mary Ann is part of a foursome who became friends around the time they were in the Fifth Grade.  They have been fast friends since.  I, too, consider them (and spouses) to be friends.  However, when the four of them get-together, I head for the hills.  They immediately become four teen-aged girls, laughing uproariously. 

Everyone missed seeing Mary Ann, and I was disappointed for Mary Ann that she didn’t get to be there.  

When I returned Sunday evening, I was very tired, but basically fine.  As the day wore on yesterday (Monday), the consequence of all that driving emerged.  Apparently, some inflammation in my back was pushed over the edge by my return to the routine of assisting Mary Ann getting up and down. 

The pain is located right at the point that seems to serve as the fulcrum for my leveraging her up and down from a sitting position.  I do that many dozens of times in a day.  The level of pain reached a seven or eight on the ten point scale usually used by those assessing pain. 

The pain is problem enough.  What is more troublesome is the prospect of its not getting better, but rather getting worse, since Mary Ann’s need for my help does not diminish as my ability to help lessens. 

At the moment we are walking the line between being able to manage here and not being able to manage here.  Yesterday afternoon, without an appointment, I finally just stopped by the Chiropractor I go to when bone and joint pains come.  I prefer manipulation that targets the pain, to medications that impact the whole body systemically.  I am not averse to pain medications.  I just recognize their limitations and their side effects. 

Ice packs, Ibuprofen, and a second trip to the Chiropractor has brought the level of the pain down from its peak yesterday and this morning.   I have moved more slowly and carefully when helping Mary Ann  up and down, asking her to do more of the work in the process.  I have toyed with the idea of trying to call the church to see if I could get an older female teen or young adult who has pretty good upper body strength to work here at the house for a few hours each of the next couple of days at maybe $10 per hour, just to do the lifting part of the Caregiving task. 

My goal is to move away from the line we are now walking.  The other side of the that line appears to be far less workable than this side of the line.  In fact, it looks pretty frightening.   At the moment, we are in a precarious position, right on the line between doable and not doable.   

My impression is that the pain is lessening and healing is on its way.  Whether that impression will become a reality remains to be seen.  As always, we take one step at a time. 

I certainly celebrate a very comforting and positive relationship with my Brothers and Sisters and their Progeny.  The relationship with Mary Ann’s Sisters-in-Law and their families is also very meaningful.  The connection with Mary Ann’s “girlfriends” is one that is filled with love and laughter.  It is hard to feel down with so many good people who care and about whom we care.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

Below is a link that may need to be cut and pasted into your browser to open.  If you are caring for a Loved One with dementia of any sort, I suspect you will find it both poignant and painful — at least I did.

http://d.yimg.com/kq/groups/7465654/785021372/name/What%20is%20That.wmv

One of those on the Lewy Body Dementia spouse Caregivers’ online group reported that her Loved One asked their adult daughter,  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me or what is going on, will I ever get better?”  She wondered what she could say to him. 

Another of the members of the group who is caring for his wife and has the gifts of perception and writing replied to that post.  I asked his permission to share his words in this post before I included them here.   This was his reply:

“[My wife] asked the same question several years ago, with the same answer and result…
 
…Their entire world around them is shattering, but somehow, they see themselves as a calm center in a whirlwind… that is why it is so hard for them to realize it is them that is having the problem and not the world around them…Think about it, what would be your reaction if things you saw, people told you  were not there…people tell you that you are doing things that you don’t remember…people and places from the past appear again..even though you “know” that they cannot be???, but there they are…you just want to get away from it all…people tell you what to do, when to do it and want you to be the same as before, but you can hardly see why…..Oh, I just feel so bad for our LO’s..and I am gradually learning even after +6 yrs of this that …oh hell, I’m just as lost as ever..maybe just foolin’ myself that I know anything about anything…”
Of all people, this Caregiver Spouse, knows very much about caring lovingly and gently in the face of whatever comes.  All of us in the group have great respect for his wisdom and insight.
One of the members of the group struggles with what the doctor suggests is more about control than it is a symptom of the disease.  Her Loved One shuts his eyes sometimes when being urged to move along and cooperate.   Is that a passive-aggressive way to exercise some control in the situation, or is it just an involuntary act triggered by some misfiring neurons due to the disease?
I cannot even imagine that there is a Caregiver out there who has not wondered if some action or inaction, some slowing down of movement, some lack of verbal response is the result of the disease process or a product of a strong will refusing to cooperate. 
Mary Ann lives in a world in which, for the most part, I have control of what she does and doesn’t do and when she does it.  The style of our relationship has always been and continues to be one in which I work very hard at determining what she wants.  I think it is fair to say that I also try to find some way to fulfill that want if it is physically possible to do so.  Now, lest I sound wonderfully accommodating, I often either use far too many words along with some attitude to tell her why it isn’t possible, or I do it begrudgingly and then grump about it.  So much for sainthood!
When I watched that short video that is referenced at the beginning of this post, when I read the online post quoted above, I was reminded of just how difficult it is to be in Mary Ann’s position or that of any of our Loved Ones who have to depend on a  Caregiver.  Mary Ann is a strong-willed, independent person.  Actually, they can be pretty annoying character traits to a spouse.  Since I have at least as many annoying traits, we have actually done very well together.  She has always had a bit of a chip on her shoulder, not about to be pushed around by anyone.  Now she has to be pushed around in a wheel chair by me.  
What must it be like for her to have someone watching her every minute, jumping up and running to accompany her to wherever it is she is intending to go, suffering the indignity of having someone else clean her bottom?  What is it like to have someone telling her that she cannot use the knives and hot stove, that she cannot go down to the basement to look for something?  I can imagine that she just wants to scream, back off and give me some space.  “I’ll tell you if I think I need you.”
Then there is the frustration of not being able to follow every question asked of her and formulate an answer based on what she wants or needs.  The book “Life in the Balance” by Dr. Thomas Graboys was an eye-opener for me as he wrote how hard for him it was to try to interact verbally.  His Parkinson’s and the Dementia were impacting his ability to process information, form thoughts, put them into words in his mind and then, finally, actually get the words out loudly enough to be heard and understood.  By the time he accomplished all that, the conversations would have moved on to the next subject.
For those of us who are Caregivers, especially full time Caregivers, it is often very difficult to differentiate between willful resistance to our attempts to get cooperation and the progression of the disease process in our Loved One.  Whichever it is, putting their shoes on for a moment can help us gain some perspective and understanding.  Maybe by doing so we can lower our frustration level just a bit  and find some more patience as we say for the twenty-first time, “It’s a sparrow.”

A few posts ago I promised to include responses from our Grandchildren to some questions I suggested.  Tonight I am keeping that promise. 

The first two below are Abigail and Ashlyn.  They are the children of our Daughter, Lisa, and her Husband. Denis.  That family moved here to spend the last two years before I retired near us so that they could help us.   Just the natural attrition over the years had begun to diminish the number Volunteers from our church available to be with Mary Ann while I was working far more than forty hours a week, including evening meetings.  A year ago, when I retired, that family moved back to their home some ten hours away.  The girls got to know Mary Ann well during that two years, since she was at their house or they were at our house two days a week.   Abigail is now 6 and will turn 7 in November.  Ashlyn will turn 5 in a few days. 

Chloe is our oldest Granddaughter.  She is the Daughter of our Son, Micah, and his Wife, Rebecca.  Chloe is 10 and will be 11 in November.  That family has lived about three hours away until moving only a little over an hour away a few years ago.  Chloe can remember Mary Ann from a time when she was much more communicative than she is now.  She has always been ready to help Mary Ann whenever there was something she could do. 

Her are the Grandchildren’s responses:

Abigail’s Notes: 

What do you like about Grandma? I like her clothes.  I think her socks look silly. 

What do you think about when Grandma stands up on her own or when she faints and Grandpa or one of your parents have to go over and hold her up?  I like bringing the wheelchair over.  I think it hurts when she hits her head.  She gets a bump on there. 

What would you like to say to Grandma?  I hope you feel better Grandma.  I wish Grandma could run and play with me.  We would go to the movies and go to the swimming pool and the park. 

If one of your friends had a Grandma that was sick like yours, what would you tell them to do to make her feel good?  Give her some medicine and do what she wants them to do.  Like get her some juice and get her wheelchair when she needs it.  Bring her food in bed.  Let her sleep in.  That’s all.

 Other comments: Grandpa, do you want some help with Grandma? 

 Ashlyn’s Notes: 

 What do you like about Grandma? She’s nice.  I love her.

 What do you think about when Grandma stands up on her own or when she faints and Grandpa or one of your parents have to go over and hold her up? I feel sad. 

 What would you like to say to Grandma? I love you Grandma.  I hope you feel better.

 If one of your friends had a Grandma that was sick like yours, what would you tell them to do to make her feel good? I would tell my friend—I’m sorry.  Tell your Grandma that you love her.

Chloe’s Comments:

grandpa,  what i like about grandma is that if she says that she is going to do something, she sticks to it and never gives up. whenever grandma fainted when i was little i would panic majorly, but now i understand her illness and now know to react in a calm manor. right now all i have to say is grandma to just keep going. if i had a friend that had a very sick relative like my grandma i would just tell them to keep there spirits high.

Needless to say, we are very proud Grandparents.   I think we and their parents would agree that while this hasn’t been easy on the girls, they have grown in understanding of the needs of others.  Hopefully, they will be better people when they grow up than they would have been if they had not had a Grandma who needed their attention and their help.  

If I live long enough to hear about it, I will be very interested in what they remember when they are young adults about these years, what they recognize to be the impact on who they have become. 

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This morning I had a chance to go up to favorite spot I like to visit when there is a Sunday morning Volunteer.  (By the way, those who worry that we might not be getting to church, we attend the evening service on Sundays.)  I relish the chance for a little time to do some meditative reading, have some quiet time, and soak in the scenery and the wildlife, especially the birds.  I walked along the edge of a marsh below the dam, as I often do when I head up to the lake.  There are some Red-Winged Blackbirds that send out alarms and do fly-overs every time I take that path.  I am not sure what they think I am going to do, but they are determined that whatever it is, I don’t do it.

Something I wrote in my post yesterday came to mind as I spent the time away this morning.  Yesterday, I listed some of the things that I am not doing, options I have given up on for the moment, as we are living the life we have at the moment.  As I thought about that, I began to wonder if in the course of letting go of those options, I am also cutting back too much on what Mary Ann and I try to do to add interest to our lives.

While I have posted often with attitude, attitude that left the impression we will tackle anything, the truth is, I am often reluctant to push the envelop of our apparent limitations.

The disincentives that come with going out of the house to do much of anything seem pretty powerful.  I am afraid that sometimes I give those disincentives more power than they deserve.  It is so much easier to just go with the flow and do as little as possible that challenges us than it is to do the work of getting out.  I have to admit to just plain laziness.

Sometimes Mary Ann doesn’t want to tackle going out and needs for me to be more assertive.  Sometimes Mary Ann seems oblivious to the all the challenges and wants to go and do something, but I am the one that thinks of all the reasons not to do it. Sometimes it is just a matter of being tired because we have had a rough night, as in the night before last.

I don’t want Mary Ann to miss out on activities we are still able to do that may no longer be possible for us to do in the not too distant future.  At the same time, we both have to accept that one of the consequences of the Parkinon’s presence in our lives is that I need to do more of the work for both of us when we go out and participate in activities.  We cannot void those consequences and live the life we might have had if the Parkinson’s had not joined us.

Just as I have to accept what I need to do for Mary Ann to have a decent quality of life, Mary Ann has to accept that I have limited stamina and, frankly, have a lazy streak in me.  Not only do we need to live the life we have, not the one we wish we had, but we have to accept the spouse we have, not the one we would like him/her to be.   Otherwise we will always be disappointed with one another.

I won’t presume to speak for Mary Ann, but I have the spouse I want.  I accept and embrace all that comes with our life together.  In spite of the presence of the Parkinson’s in our lives, I want Mary Ann to have the best quality of life she can have.  I need to be careful not to be too cautious so that we do have the most fulfilling life we can given our circumstances.  At the same time, we need to accept each other’s limitations and imperfections, and not spend our time upset about what we are missing.  Our time is too precious to waste on regrets.

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For those following Mary Ann’s battle with fainting, while I had hope that the higher dose of the medicine that raises her blood pressure to reduce the problem was working, it hasn’t done so well yet.  The fainting continued yesterday.  Today, there was very little fainting.   We will take this a day at a time, and hope that the medicine begins to improve the quality of life.

Speaking of life, there have been a number of interactions on the Lewy Body Dementia spouses online group about quality of life issues.  There are so many brave souls there who have been caring for spouses much more challenging than Mary Ann.

In a post on that group’s site, I mentioned that I had re-framed my life so that I now understand my job to be the care of Mary Ann.  I don’t mean that in a way that makes any less of our being husband and wife.  It is a way for me to think about the tasks I do that gives them meaning and purpose, rather than seeing those tasks as an interference with my life.

There were a number of responses from folks that seemed to struggle with that idea.  They also commit themselves to caring for their Loved One.  Some do better with that care by thinking about the life they hope to lead after their Loved One is gone.  That provides hope that gets them through the tough time.

There were some who observed that whatever our reasons for doing what we are doing in caring for those with a Lewy Body Dementia, we will finally in the end, lose.  This journey will end badly.  In that group we all give one another permission to share our frustrations openly without judgment.  We need a place to do that, especially those who are in the most difficult times in the progression of the disease.

With that said, no matter how devastating and hopeless the situation is, it is, finally, the life we have.  What will or will not be so at some unknown future time, while it can provide some sort of light at the end of the tunnel, is not yet the life we are living.  It may or may not come to be so, but it is not so now.  We are left to try to figure out how to do the best we can with what is so right now.

My intention is to use every resource at our disposal, to fill our lives with meaning and satisfaction.  I am not willing to let meaningful living wait until some future time that may or may not come.

Whether it is a good or bad approach to life, there are lots of things I might have liked to do that I have let go of as options.  They may never be options.  I can feel sad about that, mad about that, fight the unfairness of it all.   In fact I may need to give myself permission to have all those feelings.  Finally, for me, there is neither the time nor the energy to give now to things that may or may not come.  The life we have right now needs our full attention.

Most of the things I am not now doing, singing, traveling, going on spiritual formation retreats, going on bird watching outings, doing part time ministry, volunteering, attending music events, all offer lots of possibilities for entertaining, satisfying experiences.  They are not, however, in and of themselves, the means for bringing fulfillment into my life.  The are the context in which meaning can be found.  Meaning is what we do with the life we have, how we view it, what we take from the context.  Obviously some contexts are harder to live through, than others, some have more pain included, some take more effort to find the meaning, but the life we are living is the one we have.  If there will be meaning and purpose, it needs to be found in that life, not the one we wish we had.

In the sense that it is a certainty that sooner or later death will come, yes, the journey will end badly.  In that same sense, it is true for all of us.  Eventually, we will die, so will those we love.  Today I preached at the funeral of a friend who died at the age of 93, after living a life filled with obstacles to overcome, a life filled with wonderful, poignant, entertaining stories.  Life does end in death.  That is just the way it is.

No matter what our circumstances that end is still awaiting.  Either we accept it and live meaningfully in spite of it, or we allow the fear of death to overwhelm us and steal the joy from the moment we are in.

We happen to have a perspective on life that allows that there is something more than meets the eye.  We understand there to be a Someone with whom we are in relationship, a Someone who provides love and security not bound by finite limis.

With that perspective, we can concentrate on living the life we have as it comes day by day without despair if is doesn’t happen to be the life we would have chosen.

We would not have chosen the life we have, but it is our life.  Each day brings with it challenges, joys, sorrows, relationship struggles and satisfactions, and the opportunity for finding meaning in what we are doing.  Again, it may not be the life we would have chosen, but it is the one we have, the one we will live to the fullest.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.