This morning I had a chance to go up to favorite spot I like to visit when there is a Sunday morning Volunteer.  (By the way, those who worry that we might not be getting to church, we attend the evening service on Sundays.)  I relish the chance for a little time to do some meditative reading, have some quiet time, and soak in the scenery and the wildlife, especially the birds.  I walked along the edge of a marsh below the dam, as I often do when I head up to the lake.  There are some Red-Winged Blackbirds that send out alarms and do fly-overs every time I take that path.  I am not sure what they think I am going to do, but they are determined that whatever it is, I don’t do it.

Something I wrote in my post yesterday came to mind as I spent the time away this morning.  Yesterday, I listed some of the things that I am not doing, options I have given up on for the moment, as we are living the life we have at the moment.  As I thought about that, I began to wonder if in the course of letting go of those options, I am also cutting back too much on what Mary Ann and I try to do to add interest to our lives.

While I have posted often with attitude, attitude that left the impression we will tackle anything, the truth is, I am often reluctant to push the envelop of our apparent limitations.

The disincentives that come with going out of the house to do much of anything seem pretty powerful.  I am afraid that sometimes I give those disincentives more power than they deserve.  It is so much easier to just go with the flow and do as little as possible that challenges us than it is to do the work of getting out.  I have to admit to just plain laziness.

Sometimes Mary Ann doesn’t want to tackle going out and needs for me to be more assertive.  Sometimes Mary Ann seems oblivious to the all the challenges and wants to go and do something, but I am the one that thinks of all the reasons not to do it. Sometimes it is just a matter of being tired because we have had a rough night, as in the night before last.

I don’t want Mary Ann to miss out on activities we are still able to do that may no longer be possible for us to do in the not too distant future.  At the same time, we both have to accept that one of the consequences of the Parkinon’s presence in our lives is that I need to do more of the work for both of us when we go out and participate in activities.  We cannot void those consequences and live the life we might have had if the Parkinson’s had not joined us.

Just as I have to accept what I need to do for Mary Ann to have a decent quality of life, Mary Ann has to accept that I have limited stamina and, frankly, have a lazy streak in me.  Not only do we need to live the life we have, not the one we wish we had, but we have to accept the spouse we have, not the one we would like him/her to be.   Otherwise we will always be disappointed with one another.

I won’t presume to speak for Mary Ann, but I have the spouse I want.  I accept and embrace all that comes with our life together.  In spite of the presence of the Parkinson’s in our lives, I want Mary Ann to have the best quality of life she can have.  I need to be careful not to be too cautious so that we do have the most fulfilling life we can given our circumstances.  At the same time, we need to accept each other’s limitations and imperfections, and not spend our time upset about what we are missing.  Our time is too precious to waste on regrets.

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