She knew exactly what she wanted us to make for Christmas dinner. I had no idea what she was thinking until that moment in the grocery store. I had asked a number of times what she thought we should make for Christmas dinner when the family gathered. Each time I asked there was no response. I made suggestions encouraging a yes or no answer, but there were no answers, neither yes nor no.
At the grocery, she said something out of the blue about making a list. Then I think she said the word “salad.” The interaction caught me off guard, since she seemed to be saying that we needed to list ingredients for something for Christmas. We were in the throes of shopping, dealing with the person in the deli department slicing cold meat for us.
That conversation ceased for the moment. When we were passing by the meat counter, on the way to get something on the other side of it, she stopped and said something about ham. The options I had been suggesting as options in those earlier attempts at deciding what to prepare included things we have had in the past, a spiral cut Honey Baked Ham, a brisket, turkey, even a take out Prime Rib special from a local restaurant I had just seen. Through some asking and answering it became clear that she was talking about ham steaks.
We got two large ham steaks. Then she said something about grapes. Finally she said “Grape Salad.” That is a very tasty salad that again had never been mentioned in the many times I asked about Christmas dinner. I had gotten only complete silence in response.
What apparently was happening is what I remember Thomas Graboys talking about in his book, Life in the Balance. Mary Ann seemed to have had conversations in her mind that never included any words coming out of her mouth. There have been times that she seemed convinced that she had said something, or we had talked about something when there had never been any spoken words.
Occasionally, Mary Ann has seemed to blur the line between dreams and reality, convinced that there was an interaction, a conversation about something, providing information that sounded as if is was the matter of fact recounting of something someone had told her. What complicates things is that sometimes she is remembering absolutely perfectly something that did happen, was said, something I either wasn’t around to hear, or simply forgot.
On the positive side, it forces me to listen to her without dismissing what she says immediately even if it sounds bizarre. It may be true. It may not be true. On the negative side, I am always pretty unsure and often frustrated trying to figure out which is which.
Mary Ann has not been able to participate much in the shopping for Christmas gifts. I have gotten lists or thought of or seen something in most cases. There was one item she remembered for someone, something mentioned to her when I was not around. We got it. I am not sure if it is a memory of a converation in a dream or a real one. In this case, I am fairly confident it is something she is remembering from a real conversation. I will find out when the presents are opened this Sunday, when we celebrate an early Christmas.
I do have to admit that while sometimes pretty frustrating, it is not boring around here. There are often surprises, sometimes pleasant ones, sometimes not. I suppose a couple of days of boring might be okay, as long as there was a good night’s sleep included.
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The Caregiver Calling 