June 17, 2009

Caregivers: Choose Life

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Meaningful Caregiving, Practical Tools for Coping, Therapeutic Activities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
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I have come to think that for all of us, but especially those with chronic, degenerative, life-threatening diseases, very many of our choices, big ones and little ones, can be framed as choices either to live or just fill time until we die.

At the Parkinson’s Support Group meeting while back, there were a number of people present who have had Deep Brain Stimulation surgery (see the June 4th post on this blog for a description of the procedure) to lessen the symptoms of their Parkinson’s.  When I thought about it after the meeting I concluded that those who chose the surgery were choosing life.  They were choosing not to simply bide their time as the disease progressed.  While people don’t die of Parkinson’s, the Disease often in some way plays a significant part in their death.

Of course not every decision we make is on the scale of whether or not to have DBS surgery.  With that said, I have begun to think that we can ask of very many of the decisions we make, are we choosing life, or simply filling time until we die.

I have been wondering lately if in our care giving and receiving mode, we are settling into a routine that is more about waiting and filling empty spaces of time than it is about living meaningfully. Every time we set foot out of the house to eat or shop or go to a public place, a meeting, worship service, to see our kids, to go for a ride, it is a major hassle.  We are always at risk for Mary Ann having some sort of problem that is much more difficult to handle away than at home.

When we eat out, it is often pretty hard to get food from the plate to its intended destination without some of the food taking a side trip to shirt or lap or chair or floor.  Just the logistics of getting to the table to eat in the first place is not always very easy.  When we attended that Parkinson’s meeting, there was unexpected intestinal activity that was pretty tough to deal with in a very inaccessible bathroom while a couple of folks we had enlisted to watch the door waited for what must have seemed like an eternity. Heading out for a drive of any distance can present the same sorts of problems.

It is so much easier to stay home and expand little tasks to fill more time than needed, to expand their importance and create the illusion that they are more satisfying and meaningful than they really are.

It is surprising how hard it can be when making a choice to determine which option is choosing life and which is just filling time.  For Mary Ann, watching television fills a void created by losing the ability to do most of the things she used to do for pleasure. However, watching television is also a very addictive life waster — something just to make the time go by more quickly.

There are times when watching a television program or DVD can be informative, mentally stimulating, very entertaining, refreshing and renewing.  There are also times when the television brings nothing to us, but rather consumes our lives, providing no real nourishment, just empty calories.

After procrastinating for a number of days, when finally we actually did do some flower planting outside, it seemed to be time we were living, not just waiting.  When we push ourselves to commit to something, a trip out, a visit, attending an activity, it is often life-affirming.  The temptation is to find some reason just to stay home, to do something familiar, something that in no way stretches us and stimulates us to live life to the fullest.

It is not as simple as concluding that staying busy is the way to fill our lives with meaning.  Busyness can be as life draining as watching reruns just to make the time go by.  For me, sitting alone, listening to a CD of an interesting piece of music, thinking and processing things mentally, calming my spirit, I find to be life-affirming.  Sitting on the deck, watching clouds and listening to birds is meaningful and productive time.  Quietly reading something that is engaging and mentally stimulating or spiritually nourishing is life-affirming for me.

Choosing to spend time with others is choosing life.  After a few days of talking about doing so, last week we called a couple of friends who, gratefully, were able and willing to say yes to a spontaneous invitation to go for a drive in the country.  The day was beautiful, the scenery was stunning.  We stopped at our favorite potter’s studio.  We stopped for ice cream in a picturesque small town in the area.  We tasted wine at a winery outlet, very tasty wine. (I know, ice cream and wine??)

Mary Ann chose to attend a salad luncheon with friends at church last Wednesday. While it was not expected of her, she insisted that we bring a salad – another foray into the kitchen.  Friends invited us to come down the block one evening for cookies and conversation.  The time together was not only entertaining but nourishing to some meaningful relationships.

It is very tempting to avoid the hassles and just stay home.  What was the catch phrase in those old Nike commercials: Just do it!  We have committed to a ten hour trip to Northern Illinois for a family celebration at the end of July.  From there we bring our oldest Granddaughter with us to Kentucky to spend time with our Daughter and her family.  We just received another wonderful thank you gift from the congregation I served. We provided a free place for the new Pastor to stay for a few months, waiting for his family to be able to move here.  The gift is a trip to our very favorite Bed and Breakfast in Arkansas — another long trip, but exceptionally life-affirming.

Choosing life is not always done in huge life-changing deciaions. Choosing life is often done one tiny decision at a time.  The cumulative effect of those little decisions determines whether we are living or just waiting until life is over.

Whether the choice is to undergo major surgery to provide hope of an improved quality of life, or to get out of the house and head down the block for cookies and conversation with friends, the choice is ours to make.  Either we choose life or just wait until it is over.

When given a choice, my hope is to have the courage to choose the option that is life-affirming rather than life-wasting, and, as the Serenity Prayer says, to have the wisdom to know the difference.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

June 14, 2009

Creating a Nurturing Environment

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Meaningful Caregiving, Practical Tools for Coping, Sources of Strength, Therapeutic Activities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
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I tried again tonight.  I am resorting to chemical warfare, natural, organic, but nonetheless chemical warfare.  The weapons: blood meal and Cayenne pepper.  I am determined to have sweet potato vines growing in the large pot on the deck, and the squirrels are determined that it will not be so. 

When we first moved in there were no squirrels.  I longed for them.  When the first one came, I fed it.  Now there are a cluster of them.  I still feed them.  That makes it even more annoying.  The ungrateful buggers.  I have taken care of them day in and day out and this is my thanks — eating my sweet potato vines?

That is not all.  I planted some Salvia in the barrel — four plants.  I caught one eating a salad of Salvia leaves.  More than that, chewing off the stems at the surface of the dirt.  If that is not enough, later I caught the squrrel as he was chewing off the Salvia plants that were still in the flats, awaiting transplantation to small circle of plants in front of the house.  I managed to salvage four plants for the front.  They are still growing a week later.  The squirrels seem not to venture into the front yard. 

I have a theory about the squirrels specifically choosing to eat the Salvia.  I mentioned my plight in the Wednesday morning group that meets on the deck.  One member remembered her daughter mentioning that kids sometimes smoke Salvia to get high.  Apparently a strain of Salvia is a hallucinogen.  I decided that the squirrels are partying on my Salvia!  I haven’t noticed any unusual behavior, but then who knows what  behavior is normal for a squirrel.  Actually, the strain of Salvia kids have smoked has been illegal in Kansas for the last few years. 

I have now been assured by two people that blood meal will repel squirrels  and by another person that the vines will absorb the Cayenne pepper — one bite sending the squirrel screaming in agony.  For some reason the movie Caddyshack, Bill Murray and Gophers just popped into my mind. 

With Mary Ann supervising, in the last week or so, I have planted three large pots on the deck, an area behind the house, a barrel near the front door, a small area in front of the house and will soon plant a vining Petunia on a berm next to the house.  There is very little rhyme or reason to the plants and flowers picked and only limited aesthetic value, but at least they are planted. 

Since our circumstances tie us to the house much of the time, it seems worth the effort to work at creating a nurturing environment.  Flowers and plants are a part of  creating that environment. 

One of the activities that creates interest at home for me is creating a friendly presence for the birds.  There are eleven feeders of one sort or another attached in some way to our little deck.  In addition there are a couple of ground feeding areas in the back yard near a tree behind the deck.  There is a heated bird bath attached to the rail.  I have just hung a new little meal worm feeder outside my office window at the front of the house.  I am still in the process of waiting in hopes that a neighborhood wren will discover it.  We have a speaker in the dining room that picks up bird sounds from the deck area through a microphone just outside the window. 

We have planted trees in the back to provide shade and cover for the birds and squirrels and aesthetic variety.  The wildlife that has wandered through includes a couple of Mallard Ducks who regularly come by to eat, a possum seen once foraging in the feeding areas under the tree, last night a brazen Raccoon stopped by to climb on the deck and munch seed from one of the bird feeders.  I have seen his paw prints more than once in the bottom of the birdbath.  Rabbits hang out under the deck and often join the others at the feeding areas. 

We live in a maintenance free cluster of townhomes with multiple subdivisions in all directions.  We have created such a welcoming space for wildlife because I find their presence to be nurturing to my mental health.  Mary Ann enjoys it some, but mostly just tolerates my penchant for feeding the fauna.   

Next week ABC Ponds will begin work on the pondless waterfall that will be constructed behind the deck.  What precipitated the idea was the need to deal with a problem with standing water behind the houses in our area.  Sump pumps cycle constantly emptying into the area.  The clay will not absorb rain water when comes.  What will be created is essentially a manmade wetland with a deep reservoire filled with natural filtering material, covered with perennial native marginal plants.  The water will be pumped from the base of the well to the waterfall.  Kansas State University has been using this process in recent years to deal with run off. 

The environment I have sought to create is not just a novelty.  It is an essential element in my survival here.  The television provides entertainment for Mary Ann.  I watch my share of it but find it to frustrate my sense of well-being rather than nurture it. 

Many a day we are not able to set foot off the property due to the complexities of Mary Ann’s physical needs.  There need to be nurturing elements in our environment. 

Inside the house are paintings, a metal wall sculpture, antiques, crystal and china and ceramics to add quality and variety to the interior of our home.  A few  years ago I commissioned two members of the congregation, a cabinet maker and an artist to create a small worship center that sits in my office, providing a focal point for meditation.  We have a sound system in the living room that provides a good quality of sound for the occasional time after Mary Ann is in bed for just listening to music that feeds my spirit. 

If I will be a healthy and able Caregiver for Mary Ann, there needs to be regular access to that which nourishes my well-being.  I am then better able to provide for her as nurturing and safe and healthy an environment as possible.  Rather than allowing the four walls of our little living space to be confining and boring, empty of the richness we both need to maintain our emotional health, we have committed our time and resources to creating a nurturing space in which we can live meaningfully. 

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

June 13, 2009

Do Each Task as if it is Important

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Meaningful Caregiving, Practical Tools for Coping, Sources of Strength | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
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I cleaned the kitchen floor two days ago.  I got out the Swiffer WetJet with the little button on the handle that squirts some cleaning liquid on the floor to be wiped with the pad at the end of the mop handle.  It is not rocket science.  I didn’t break a sweat.  The floor looked nice afterward. 

I have an earned doctorate; at one time I could read with limited proficiency five languages (English, of course, plus Latin, Greek, Hebrew and German).  At this point I can barely handle English.  I will not bore you with the details of the work that I have done in my career.  Suffice it to say, I could complain that cleaning the kitchen floor with our Swiffer WetJet was hardly important enough to be very satisfying. 

There was something satisfying about sweeping the dirt off the floor (I tracked in some dirt earlier in the day), then squirting and rubbing until the spots were removed.  My days are mostly filled with pretty simple and mundane tasks.  I get Mary Ann to the bathroom, to the table, bring her pills and juice and yogurt and Cheerios or Special K or Cinnamon Toast or a banana or a granola bar for breakfast.  I clean out the commode from the night before, make the beds, get Mary Ann dressed, maybe wash her hair.  I put wash in the washer, switch it to the dryer, fold it and put it away.  I fill the dishwasher, run it and then empty it. 

There are very simple meals to be made for lunch and for supper.   We sometimes head out to get something to eat at one of our regular spots.  I feed the birds and read emails while Mary Ann watches television.  I suspect I will not be nominated for one of the Nobel prizes for notable accomplishments in household care.

The role of Caregiver does not bring with it great public recognition, although the article Linda wrote on our situation did give us a moment of notariety in our local paper.    Each of the things I do during the day seems to have little importance, little value in the grand scheme of things. 

Within the history of the spiritual journeys of leaders in many religious traditions, there is a certain approach to doing each task, important or not by external standards, in a way that recognizes its inherent value.  The Rule of St. Benedict provides great attention to detail. urging all to work at menial tasks no matter their status.  Celtic Spirituality emphasizes focusing full attention single-mindedly on the task at hand, no matter what it is. 

I was in a committee meeting one evening.  The group was a fairly congenial crew, at least most of the time.  We were gathered to evaluate candidates for an opening at the Elementary school sponsored by three congregations.  I am not sure what triggered the interaction, but somehow the matter of the need to multi-task came up.  One of the women in the group immediately said that recent studies of the brain had revealed that women’s brains were hardwired for multi-tasking, and men’s brains were not.  Now I have no idea of the validity of the information.  I did however have a wonderfully annoying reply.  I said that may be true, but men do one thing at a time and do it well.  After the laughter subsided we went on with the meeting.  I still don’t know what was so funny about that.  Actually, I couldn’t even complete the sentence about men doing one thing at a time and doing it well since I was laughing so hard myself. 

There is something to be said for doing one thing at a time and doing it well.  Another way to say it is that it is good to focus full attention on the task at hand, to immerse yourself in it, heart and soul, to avoid distractions as much as possible. 

It seems as if much of what we do is done as quickly as possible to get on to the next thing or the really important stuff.  There is a sense in which we simply miss a good portion of the life we are living day by day, in anticipation of what will come later in the day or tomorrow or later in the week. 

Rather than measuring the importance of each task by what importance it has to others, or how much value it has in the marketplace,  how about paying attention to the task itself.   A priest named Ed Hayes has written some great tools for learning to pay attention to every task, big or little.  A couple of his books are Pray All Ways and Secular Sanctity. 

Whether a person has a spiritual understanding of reality or not, being present with each task while doing it provides an opportunity to recognize the importance, value, meaning, purpose of even the simplest of activities.  It is calming and satisfying to do one thing at a time and do it well, or do it with intentionality. 

When I listen to music, I usually do not use it as accompaniment for something else.  I listen to it.  The music sometimes becomes very powerful in touching me deeply when it could not if I was doing something else at the same time.  When I wash Mary Ann’s hair, it gets my full attention.  When I make the beds, the doing of it creates a feeling of order to my day.  Feeding the birds provides a meaningful intersection with a world outstide the walls of our house. 

Being present with whatever we are doing does not demand searching for some sort of deep meaning.  I suspect in the world of sports it is sort of like being in the game.  

The speed with which life comes hardly seems to allow the possibility of doing one thing at a time, being fully engaged in a single task.  I think it is fair to ask the question, does multitasking actually get more done, or does it just get less done on each of more things?  How much safer would the roads be if drivers did one thing, drive the car.  How many fewer errors in operating rooms would there be if the doctors, nurses, technicians all gave exclusive attention to what they are there to do.   

Rather than treating the simple daily tasks as throw-aways of little value, engage each one fully, experiencing every dimension of it, soaking in the sounds and smells and sights and textures and maybe even tastes.  Rather than measuring its importance by some external standard, allow its inherrant value to emerge, from the inside of the task. 

Do each task as if it is important.  It will become so, and with it meaning and purpose and value will be added to each day.  Caregivers’ lives are filled with mundane tasks, mundane, but important. 

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

June 8, 2009

Caregivers Need to Vent Frustrations.

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Meaningful Caregiving, Practical Tools for Coping, Sources of Strength | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
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Mary Ann and I have now had our fifteen minutes of fame.  The article on our situation, with picture and all, was published  in our local paper yesterday morning.  The fame has already faded.  Oh well.  Who wants to be plagued by the paparazzi anyway. 

At various times during the day today, I stopped by the computer to read  posts on the spouses of those with Lewy Body Dementia online support group.  Since there is an expectation of confidentiality in that group, I will use no names. 

One member of the group wrote a very graphic and painful post, venting a level of frustration she feared would shock all of us.  She revealed a depth of pain that is almost beyond description.  What drove her to write was not just a passing moment of feeling sorry for herself.  It is hard to imagine anyone going through the impossible dynamics of her circumstances and surviving. 

What is more frightening is that no one was shocked at her shocking vent.  They understood.  She just put into words feelings that many in the group experience.  What is frightening about it is that it revealed just how much pain there is out there.  What is frightening about it is that those of us who are not yet experiencing the later stages of the dementia in our spouses have that level of pain to look forward to. 

One of my first thoughts was thanksgiving that Mary Ann has a comparatively mild level of dementia at this point in its progression.  We have a quality of life that would be the envy of many who are immersed in the worst of the dementia.  We can get out to eat — maybe a little messiness, but the job gets done.  Mary Ann’s memory is still better than mine.  That is pretty scary!   Since she is lighter than I am; I can still provide the physical help needed to get basic needs met.  Our communication is limited, but it still happens.  We can travel, with some difficulty, but we can do it.  Mary Ann’s needs are still within the range of our friends who volunteer to spend time with her while I do other things.  Most nights she sleeps reasonably well. 

As I have revealed in some of these posts, we have frustrating challenges that push us to the limit.  We live in a narrow margin of functionality.  We are one fall away from the end of being able to manage here at home.  Any compromise to my health could destroy our system here with one another.  None of the other options out there is acceptable to either of us.  One or the other of them might become necessary, but they are still not acceptable. 

While the difficulty of our situation does not measure up to so many others’ situations, venting frustrations is still a necessary safety valve.  Those of us to do the caregiving and those who receive it need to release some pressure once in a while to stay sane! 

I am convinced that it is healthier to name the pain we are in once in a while, to admit to ourselves and whomever we trust enough to do so, that we just can’t handle it any more.  It is far healthier to vent than it is to try somehow to sustain the illusion that we are fine when we are not always fine.  We may want everyone to think we are noble, self-giving, saints who just love caring for our Loved One every moment of every day.   The price we will pay for maintaining that fiction will at some point be a psychic meltdown — probably a physical one too. 

The challenge is to find ways to vent our frustrations without hurting ourselves or anyone else.  One of the best ways seems to me to be just what the person in our online group did when she wrote out all those thoughts that seemed to her to be so horrible.   Another way to vent effectively would be to have a trusted friend or cluster of friends who can listen to some ranting and raving without getting upset with you, or worse yet, telling you that it isn’t as bad as you think. 

Some work out their frustrations in other ways.  The occasional, “oh fiddlesticks” or “gee willikers” spoken with great gusto can release a little tension.  Just make sure that the grandchildren are not within earshot.   One of my vents of choice is to string together a long, loud and involved rational explanation as to why what just happened should not have happened.  My kids just loved those lectures.  They would often say, “Dad, can we hear that lecture again, it would be so good for us.”

I have said this in former posts.  Taking the time to process what we are going through and writing about it in this blog has provided a surprisingly powerful mechanism for working out my frustrations.  Maybe it is as simple as talking the frustrations to death.  (And  you wonder why my posts are so long.)

There is a piece of reality that frees me to take off the rose-colored glasses, look past any illusions about my goodness, or strength of character, and expose the nastiness in me, the ugly character flaws.  I understand the One who made me to love me so powerfully that my nastiness, character flaws, even my doubts and anger are not strong enough to ward it off.  I can vent to my heart’s content and remain safe and secure, able to get on with life in a meaningful way after the safety valve has released some pressure. 

For those of you who do not share my understanding of reality, the same is so.  Setting aside the pretense and the illusions and facing down the harsh realities of who and what we are, provides us with a sort of reality therapy that allows us to get through the worst times and come out able to live meaningfully in the face of terrible circumstances. 

Caregivers need to vent frustrations.  Just don’t hurt yourself or anyone else when you do the venting!

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

June 2, 2009

Caregiver’s Soul is Fed

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Meaningful Caregiving, Practical Tools for Coping, Sources of Strength, Therapeutic Activities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
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While the owners would not appreciate it, I hope no one purchases a lot and builds a home in the River Hill subdivision.  That undeveloped subdivision provided the setting for a wonderful meal of soul food tonight.

All of us need nourishment for the deepest part of ourselves, the place from which we draw strength for traveling through days that are sometimes filled with too much to do.  Often much of what fills our days does not nourish our souls but instead drains the life and strength and stamina from us.

While my days are not so full as they have been in the past, and Mary Ann’s and my time together is going pretty well, the need for feeding my soul remains.  Tonight it was fed.

Twila came to stay with Mary Ann.  They seemed to enjoy their time together.  There was progress made on a novel — a different one from Elaine’s Sunday morning book.  I headed out to that spot high on a hill, above and behind a new shopping area.  There is a new street that has been constructed, and I am sure the area has been platted with very expensive lots.  No one has bought a lot and built yet.

The spot has trees on both sides bordering the field of varied and colorful weeds that will probably one day be lawns and houses.  The view to the west is beyond description.  There are trees and fields and low rolling hills that extend all the way to the horizon many miles away.  A little area of the Kansas River is visible.  The railroad tracks run along side the tracks. Trains can often be seen and whistles heard as they move along those tracks.

Today, while Mary Ann was looking for a couple of books at the library, I noticed the shelves containing the Classical Music CD’s.  I picked a couple almost at random.  One is called “The Prayer Cycle” by Jonathan Elias.  Actually it both confused and intrigued me when I looked at it more carefully.  It is listed as a choral symphony in nine movements.  The confusing part was that those listed as performers included Alanis Morissette, James Taylor, the American Boychoir, John Williams, Linda Ronstadt, The English Chamber Orchestra and Chorus, and a number of people with names suggesting a variety of nationalities.

To describe the experience I need to borrow a Greek word.  Maybe having to take seven years of Greek is paying off.  The word I am borrowing is the word for compassion. The Greek word for compassion transliterated into English is splangknidzomai.  The first part of the word, splangkna, means viscera, innards, guts.  That is where the Ancient Greeks understood deep feelings to reside. Given the size of the antacid business, I suspect the Ancient Greeks were right. Tonight, the music on that CD combined with the sounds and sights of that remarkable setting to reach into the depths of my splangkna to stir and lift my spirit.

The sun was still a couple of hours from setting when I looked at it hanging in the west.  There were some thin and hazy clouds muting its brightness.  As it moved lower in the sky, it became less and less visible.  The cloudiness had no clear boundary, except that it sort of melted into a mist in the trees on the horizon.  There was just a powerful calming in the view from that hill.

The trees on one side in particular were quaking in the wind providing more power to the calming effect.  They were not the Quaking Aspen of Colorado, but another member of the family.  There were, of course, birds to be seen and heard.  One tiny bird sang a wonderfully complex melody so loudly that I could hear it over the music on the CD.

There was a hawk sailing around for a bit.  I am convinced that the hawk was as exhilarated by the currents under his wings lifting him as I was by the sights and sounds on that hill lifting my spirit.  There were some swallows that appeared to be dancing with one another in midair.  I realized that the dance was their way of catching food.  Without the dance, they would die.  I felt as if I was being surrounded by metaphors one after another filled with clues for living meaningfully.

One part of the scene was the intrusion of the relentless sound of tires on the pavement of a nearby Interstate.  That sound actually seemed to help balance the exhiliration of my lifted spirit with the practical realities of my daily experiences.

Then there was the music.  The music blended choral, instrumental and chant together in the same pieces.  The chant was odd.  It was certainly not Gregorian Chant.  One semester in the Seminary, I had a class in the Solemnes style of Gregorian Chant.  For three years I sang in a small chant ensemble that sang at weekly chapel services.  While this was not Gregorian, it was chant.  The chant and choral music was sung in a variety of languages, Hungarian, Mali, Swahili, Dwala, Tibetan, German, French, Urdu, Latin, English, Italian, Hebrew, and Spanish.  For some reason I had the odd feeling that this chant was a reverent, multilingual, classical style of Rap.

I was struck by the way rich chords and complex dissonances contrasted one another, each more beautiful because it was next to the other.  In the moments of silence between phrases in the music, the birds and the wind in the trees and the sounds of traffic folded more prominently into the experience.

With this feeble attempt at translating the sights and sounds of a moving, spirit lifting experience into words, I intend to say that a couple of hours well spent can feed the soul of a Caregiver whose days may be filled with activities that do not necessarily lift the spirit.  For me, it is the soul feeding experiences that help bring meaning to the daily tasks.  With a well-fed soul, the Caregiving itself can become soul food.

Eat heartily!

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

June 1, 2009

Good Ideas for a Caregiver and Receiver’s Day

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Volunteer Elaine has one rule for us: “Don’t read the book between my visits!”  She doesn’t want to miss any part of the story.  Elaine comes on a Sunday morning once a month for about three hours.  She reads from a novel she and Mary Ann have chosen.  This morning, she took Mary Ann in the wheelchair to the neighborhood vest pocket park a little over a block away.  The two of them enjoyed the flowers folks had planted in the back yards that border the park.  There were a couple of pairs of Bluebirds that entertained them.  When they returned, Elaine started reading.  The next Sunday morning that she comes, she will go on with the next chapter or two in the story.

Each of the Volunteers brings something different to the visit.  Sometimes just watching television with Mary Ann is what is needed.  Other times Volunteers will keep Mary Ann abreast of their own lives and families.  Some do a little ironing (or a lot).  Some will bring food and maybe make the meal while they are here.  All of them expand Mary Ann’s world.

There are times a Volunteer will come while I remain at the house, doing a variety of tasks, sometimes outside, more often in the office at the computer.  That option is especially helpful for Volunteers who might be new to the role, needing to get accustomed to helping Mary Ann, or uncomfortable with or physically unable to do some of the caregiving duties.

Of course there is a benefit for the Caregiver when there is a Volunteer.  As a retired pastor still worshiping at the church from which I retired, I have chosen to keep a low profile.  The church has an Evening Service, one that I started about a decade ago.  It has a comparatively small attendance, and the service is a little quieter and more contemplative than the morning services at which there are lots of folks of all ages coming and going.  The Evening Service is a friendlier setting for those with handicaps since there are fewer people to move through, fewer energetic little ones zipping here and there.

The Evening Service is the one that we have chosen to attend.  When there is a Volunteer available I use the Sunday morning time for solitude.  I usually drive to a lake about twenty minutes from here.  The lake is large and beautiful.  I usually find a spot there to do some devotional reading and just look around at the sights.  Today, after the time at the lake, I drove beneath the dam to a marsh that has been preserved for wildlife.  As I walked along a path beside the marsh, looking at and listening to the birds, as I listened to the occasional frog, watched the dragon flies, listened to the wind blowing through the tall grass, it dawned on me why their was such a calm and comfortable sensation washing over me.

When I was growing up, we lived two blocks from a swamp.  That swamp was my retreat.  I spent hours there, at least until my Mother figured out that I was at the swamp again.  I always went back, no matter how often I got scolded.  I still remember the willow switch stinging the back of my bare legs (unfortunately I was wearing shorts) with each step as we walked back from the swamp after Mom came down to get me.

The sound of Red-winged Blackbirds singing always takes me back to those idyllic days.  I am there again with frogs and cattails and tadpoles and water bugs, with the wind blowing through the weeds.

A few hours away is an essential element in healthy caregiving.  I need those times of solitude, times during which I have no responsibilities.  I stay as long as I choose in one spot and when I feel like doing so, move to another.  This morning I walked very slowly and soaked in every dimension of the experience.  The Great Blue Herons, Meadowlarks, Tree Swallows, Barn Swallows, Orioles, the sounds of the occasional frog, the wind in the nearby Poplar Trees (the greatest for making wonderful sounds when the wind is blowing), all got the time and attention they were due.  Each time I would stop for a while, more variety of sights and sounds would enter my awareness.  They were there before, but until I quieted myself and relaxed, I wasn’t aware of them.  Civilization made itself known through the sound of four-wheelers in an area made for them not far from the marsh.

Mary Ann and I each got a time this morning that was refreshing and renewing and entertaining.  After I came home there were some problems to deal with due to the fainting issue making its presence known.  After we got through that, I made lunch. Yes, I actually cooked!  It is another of those recipes so simple a caveman could do it (sorry Geico guys).

The recipe:  I opened a package of pre-cooked bratwurst sausages and browned them in some oil in a large pan.  After setting them aside I put a large quantity of onions (cut into fairly large pieces) and browned them in the pan with the drippings from the brats.  Then came a couple of spoonfuls of garlic pieces from a jar.  After that I added lots of slices of apples.  After cooking all that for a while with the lid on so that the apples cooked through and softened, I put the brats back in, opened a can of Bavarian style sauerkraut over the top and let the flavors mix and the liquid from the apples and kraut cook down a bit. On occasion I have added a little left over white wine into the pan to deglaze it.  I do that just because it sounds cool.  I guess it also adds a little sweetness. By the way, there is no need to add any seasonings to this dish.  The apples and onions and Bavarian style sauerkraut add plenty of sweetness, and the brats and sauerkraut add the saltiness and lots of flavor.

What made me proud today was that Mary Ann actually ate it and seemed to enjoy it!

After Mary Ann napped, we headed off to the Evening Service.  That was a corporate worship experience for us, and a chance for Mary Ann to get out into a setting that allowed some social interaction.  She did struggle a bit during the service.  There was one fainting spell, but it passed quickly.  We just did a little more sitting than usual during the service.

Getting out with people is another important need both for the Caregiver and Receiver.  It is tempting to stay isolated at home.  While that may be easier, in the long run it will take a heavy toll on both.

We picked up a strawberry shake from Sonic for Mary Ann on the way home.  I made myself a tasty peanut butter and jelly (Blackberry Jam) toast, we watched a little television, I watered the flowers and now I am writing this while Mary Ann is secure in bed — I can see her on the little seven inch baby monitor screen.

This is hardly exciting reading, but it is an account of some of the practical tools  that allow us to travel this journey with Parkinson’s in a way that doesn’t steal from us the quality of our lives together.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

May 18, 2009

Caregiver’s Day Off!

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Help from Others, Meaningful Caregiving, Practical Tools for Coping | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
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I’ll bet you wish you had seen hundreds of Wilson’s Phalaropes swimming in little circles at a dizzying rate of speed, a White-faced Ibis, lots of Black-necked Stilts, a bunch of cute little Semipalmated (not fully, but only semi-palmated) Plovers, very many American Avocets and Hudsonian Godwits, not to mention the White-rumped Sandpipers and the Scissortail Flycatcher — all this along with forty-eight more varieties of birds.

I got a day off yesterday, and so did Mary Ann!  We both had a great time.  I spent the day birding with an experienced birder, a new friend that I now call Bob, and Mary Ann spent most of the day with our Son, Micah.

Arranging a day off is no small task for a full time Caregiver.  Those routines that provide the structure to the day and provide assurance that everything that needs to be done gets done, are not easily explained to someone who does not do them on a daily basis.  To write down instructions for all the routines and appropriate responses to the variety of situations that might arise would be almost impossible.  It would read like the instruction manual for a computer program.

To have a day off, I needed to have enough confidence in Mary Ann’s safety and security that I could let go of any concern, relax and enjoy the day’s activities.  There are pills to be taken, a medicine patch to be replaced, a wound to be dressed, bathroom needs to be dealt with, food to be provided, a commode to be cleaned out, maybe a shower and/or hair washed.  There are endless possibilities for problems to arise, from falls to heart pain to fainting spells.

I was able to relax completely.  Here is why:  For the last years of my ministry, we had an agency provide a paid person to do Companion Care with Mary Ann for three hours from 6:45am to 9:45am on Sunday mornings.  That was a time that it was not appropriate to ask a Volunteer to serve.  We have used two agencies mainly.  One is called Comfort Keepers and the other Home Instead.  Both are very good.  The one we have used most recently is Home Instead.  For the last couple of years of ministry, Debbie came each Sunday morning.  She became very familiar with the morning routine, including shower and hair washing, dressing, taking meds, providing breakfast, cleaning the commode and dealing with the fainting spells should they happen.  Debbie was available yesterday for the early morning shift. The cost is about $16 per hour.  It is worth the sixty dollars that it will cost to have her there, to have a day off for both of us. (Home Instead: http://www.homeinstead.com/; Comfort Keepers: http://www.comfortkeepes.com/)

For the evening three hours, Margaret was willing to come.  She is a very good friend to Mary Ann, as well as the Parish Nurse for our Congregation.  She has all the skill and experience anyone could ask for.  She has taught nursing for decades and, while retired, still keeps active, serving on call as a home health nurse for a local hospital along with serving full time as Parish Nurse — volunteering her time in that role.

During part of the afternoon, until a virus laid her low, Edie was going to spend a few hours.  She is also a good friend to Mary Ann and has dealt with everything right up to calling the ambulance to take her to the hospital when it was needed.

The best part of all was that our Son, Micah, was able to come from 9:30am to 6:30pm to be with his Mom.  Our Daughter-in-Law, Becky, and Granddaughter, Chloe, were on a Girl Scout campout this weekend.  That freed the time for Micah to come.  For a Mom to have her adult Son to herself for a full day is a treat beyond description.  Micah always brings out the best in Mary Ann.  She was alert and able to communicate.  They talked on the phone with our Daughter, Lisa.  They played some Scrabble.  Needless to say, the game only went a two or three rounds, but Mary Ann managed to come up with some of the words on her own.  She used to be merciless in playing Scrabble with the Volunteers.  They knew they were in the presence of greatness.  Micah took her outside for a trek to the nearby park, looking at flowers and enjoying the weather as he wheeled her along.  They ate some leftovers and then later headed out to get a milkshake from Sonic.  Micah and ice cream too!  Can’t beat it!

One of the special benefits of the day were the bits and pieces of conversation that Micah had with his Mom.  He got to have her at her best some of the time.  He experienced some of her hallucinations.  There were some times when she was not tracking, but much of the time she was.  While their conversations were between the two of them, one interaction that Micah shared was very revealing.  She wondered if it was not so that once a person needed to be fed, they would have to go to a nursing home.  He assured her that as long as there was someone at home willing to help, that was not so.  She has in recent days begin allowing me to help her with food, even in public.  That need must have been a great concern to her, carrying with it in her mind powerful implications.

As I processed the day, one thing popped into my mind when thinking about how good the day was for the two of them.  Mary Ann and I have enjoyed hopelessly spoiling our Granddaughter Chloe when she is with us before returning her to Micah and Becky to deal with the aftermath.  Turnabout is fair play, as they say.  After a day of Micah’s full attention, entertaining her and enjoying her every minute of the time he was there, I have to deal with the aftermath!

If there will be a Caregiver’s day off (as well as a CareReceiver’s day off), there are all sorts of things that need to be done over a period of time to allow it to happen.

For one thing, we had developed a relationship with an agency, using it on a regular basis, if only for a short time each week.  That way the option was available and familiar.  We  had already developed the booklet with all the pertinent information if any problem should arise.  (See this blog’s March 29th, 2009, post titled “Caregivers’, Carereceivers’, Volunteers’ Safety Issues” for more information on the booklet.)

We had allowed some good people to spend time with Mary Ann over the past eight or nine years, providing a cadre of people to call on, people comfortable with her, experienced in dealing with a variety of contingencies.

We planned the day far enough in advance to allow for the scheduling needed so that it could actually happen.

It was helpful to make a commitment to the day and to make the commitment to another person so that the motivation to follow through would be there.  It surprised me that I was ambivalent about going as the day approached.  I realized that as I have settled into the role of full time Caregiver, the role has come to provide a certain comfort and security.  I was apprehensive about being away for the day.  I have come to find meaning in what I do here to the extent, that it was a little uncomfortable to think of being away from that fulfilling task.

The day off was good for both Mary Ann and me.  We had a chance to be ourselves, each separate from the other.  It was reassuring that we both had a very good day. That the day went well encourages us to do it again some time in the future.  It took lots of planning, but it was worth the effort.

Caregivers, take a day off! It will do both of you a world of good.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

May 7, 2009

Caregiver’s Sources of Strength

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Help from Others, Meaningful Caregiving, Therapeutic Activities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
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Today is the first day this spring we have been able to meet on the deck.  There is a dramatic change in the feel of the experience when on the deck rather than in the downstairs family room.  At 7:30am the birds are fully engaged in noisy and boisterous activity.  In that setting we have been buzzed by hummingbirds heading for the feeder.  A Cooper’s Hawk has come crashing through concentrating on its prey, oblivious to coming within inches a ducking head.  Rabbits have come by the deck with little fear of being so close to people.  Hungry birds have ventured to a feeder no more than a couple of feet from the head of one of us.   

The smells and the sounds, the sun and clouds and trees and gently blowing breezes calm the spirits of our little group as we begin with a few moments of silent meditation.  Our silence has as part of its nature the sounds of nature, as well as car sounds, mowers, dogs, airplanes, whatever else that happens to be going on during those moments.  The sounds of nature seem to dominate. 

We refer to our group as a Spiritual Formation Group.  The Group began many years ago.  I am not sure how many at this point — maybe seven or eight years.   The size has ranged from four to six members.  There are just a couple of us who have been there from the very beginning.  There are five of us at the moment.  It meets at our home since I need to be on call for Mary Ann’s needs.  The group emerged at a time in the life of the Congregation when there was a special emphasis on starting small groups. 

Our goal is to incorporate what we believe into what we do moment by moment each day — the ordinary.  We seek to support one another in disciplines that increase the likelihood of our finding the strength to live meaningfully no matter what comes or how fast it comes. 

It is no small order.  This morning in the course of our conversation, I had a chance to do some more processing of yesterday’s emergency trip to the Dermatologist to re-sew stitches that had been torn out of Mary Ann’s shoulder by a fall, stitches intended to close the gaping hole left by the removal of a skin Cancer.  I should add quickly that after a restless night, a painful morning this morning, she slept four or five hours.   She is doing well at the moment, down for the night (hopefully). 

Our group has a covenant that includes confidentiality.  Any specifics will reflect only my thoughts and comments.  The rest will come in general terms. 

Caregivers need a support system!  We cannot do this by ourselves.  Some of the support comes in the form of help with tasks, companion care for Mary Ann, food, all sorts of tangibles.  The support that is to be found in a Spiritual Formation Group is the nurturing of the spirit, the center of being from which deep personal strength comes.  From that deep well of strength is drawn the power to endure, even thrive, in the face of adversity. 

My approach to talking about Spiritual Formation is intended to reflect two elements of my intentions for this Blog.  One intention is to reflect my own spirituality, since that is how I manage as a full time Caregiver.  I am a retired Lutheran Pastor.  I have a deep faith rooted in a very specific understanding of Who God is and what God has done.  My relationship with God is created and sustained by a fellow name Jesus Christ.  I make no apology for that faith. 

At the same time, this Blog is not a parochial piece intended exclusively for folks who happen to share my faith.   The most basic element of my faith is the unconditional love reflected in the Christian Story (a true story).  That love has no bounds.  I am very comfortable framing the truth in humanistic terms, scientific terms, philosophical terms.  I feel no need to defend my faith or force feed it to others — witness to it, yes.  It is a part of who I am and how I cope. 

I will seek to do so and enjoy framing the deep well of strength in a way that is accessible to people who have another spirituality or no spirituality at all in their view of reality. 

In our group, we always use a book of some sort intended for use in a spiritual formation small group setting.  We are currently using book in a series of Spiritual Formation Guides produced by Renovare (http://www.renovare.org).   The chapter we were doing today is titled “Being the Good News.”  Our conversation revolved around the question, “…how do you seek to act as the good news in the world?” 

This morning my need as a Caregiver was to process with others what had happened yesterday, the fall, the broken stitches, the dripping blood thinned by Plavix, the emergency trip to the doctor to be resewn.  I needed to process it so that I could face the harsh reality that had I been beside her I might have prevented it, that I had not been calm and cool and collected, sweet and nurturing throughout the experience.  I needed to affirm what I had done that was appropriate to keep Mary Ann safe, to get her the help she needed, to care for her during and after the trauma.

The conversation in that small group, the processing, helped me to reframe the experience in a way that allows me to accept my failings, celebrate the good, and see the possibility for change. 

For those who don’t have a spiritual dimension as part of their worldview, having a small group option for processing experiences is equally important.  The goal is to reframe what has happened in a way that gives it meaning.  Seeking to become more fully human is not only a help to your Loved One but a help in your own survival.  Each event is an opportunity for growth.  That growth can lead you to a better quality of life as you become more able to get past the reactive primitive brain impulses to thoughts and actions that are both sensible, humane and life affirming. 

Caregivers need a healthy, well-balanced support system.  A small group, in my situation, a Spiritual Formation Group, can help provide the deep source of strength needed to endure whatever life throws our way. 

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

April 6, 2009

Caregivers: Why so Tired?

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Meaningful Caregiving, Therapeutic Activities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
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It is about 11:40pm local time as I start this post.  It is not unusual for me to be writing until 1am or 1:30am.  Why on earth don’t I start doing this earlier?  Beyond lack of organization of time and self-discipline, there are some reasons built into the task of Caregiving.

First of all, when someone for whom you are caring cannot take care of personal needs or walk very far without falling, every waking moment is bound to the care and protection of your Carereceiver.  As a Caregiver, you are doubling the number of basic tasks associated with a human’s daily needs.  You are living two lives at the same time. 

One of the lives you are living is, of course, your own.  You know what you want and when you want it.  When living someone else’s life also, just discovering what the wants and needs are takes a great deal of attention and mental energy, especially, if that someone has difficulty vocalizing those wants and need. 

When nature calls the one for whom you are caring, he/she may not hear the call until it is too late to make it to the necessary destination.   Mary Ann can be up and off walking to one place or another in seconds.  Often I discover that she has gotten up and headed off by the sound of the thump when she lands on the floor.  It is exhausting to keep attention so tuned as not to miss those moments of need.  I have heard and believe that mental exercise is far more tiring than physical exertion.  The stamina needed to pay attention to someone else’s every move, every need, every want, uses up endless amounts of the Caretaker’s reserves.

One of the consequences of the constancy of the needs is the inability to find time to concentrate on a task that needs more than a few minutes to do.  Writing a post for this Blog cannot happen while Mary Ann is up and moving about.  My time belongs to her all the time she is awake and some of the time she is sleeping.  I suspect that the same is so for most Caregivers. 

In a sense, my day starts when Mary Ann settles in bed.  There are periodic needs during the night, but the general pattern is that the time I can call my own comes between about 9pm and 1am. Now that I am retired, I am able to sleep longer in the morning, assuming Mary Ann is willing and able to sleep later also. 

Before I retired, the pattern was about the same, except that sleeping later in the morning was not as often an option.  Those of you who are working full time and caregiving full time are likely to be exhausted most of the time, especially if you also claim that late night time as your own.  Here is the logic of staying up.  The moment the Caregiver gets up in the morning, assuming the Carereceiver gets up then also, it all starts over again.  Waking up in the morning is waking to intense demands.   To go to bed at the same time the one for whom you are caring does leaves no time just for yourself — just to be one person only.  

Of course this is an unhealthy pattern.  Sleep deprivation has very destructive consequences.  It affects negatively our ability to perform daily tasks effectively and efficiently.  We are hardly at our best.  Coping with little stresses becomes more difficult.  Mole hills actually do become mountans in our mind.  We can become forgetful, irritable, our thought processes can slow.  I need no scientific studies to demonstrate the truth of those conclusions about the impact of too little rest. 

Now comes the time to share wonderful solutions to the problem of Caregiver exhaustion.  If I had this one solved, I would not be writing this post at what now is about 12:20am.  I will offer some of the feeble attempts I have made over the years of dealing with this particular dimension of the Caregiver’s challenge.  For one thing, I structured the week so that I had some long days and some days to sleep in.  It seemed to work better for me to work many hours in one day than normal hours two days.  By the way, I realize that doing so breaks the rules for sleeping well, the ones that say, get up at the same time every day, go to bed at the same time.    Another rule I regularly break is the one that says, no caffeine later in the day.  Caffeine is my drug of choice.  Evening meetings, if I hoped to actually be awake during them, demanded a heavy dose of caffeine through my chosen delivery system, PT’s Coffee (by the way, the best in the nation as far as I am concerned — sorry, Starbuck’s fans). 

On occasion (too rarely), a Volunteer or my daughter would come over and sleep upstairs to care for Mary Ann during the night, while I got a full night’s sleep in the downstairs.  Especially when I was working, those occasional two night retreats would include nights in which I slept ten or twelve hours. 

Had I continued to work much longer, circumstances would have demanded using the local resources I mentioned in last night’s post to provide paid time covered by others so that I could get rest on occasion.  

Since it is now heading for 12:40am, it is apparent that I need counsel from any who happen to read this post and have ideas for how to minimize Caregiver exhaustion.  One possible solution would be to simply stop trying to write posts for this blog any longer.   Two reasons speak against that solution.  One is that I would be likely to just sit in front of the tube flipping between inanities there.  The second is that I find doing this writing very satisfying and energizing.  Anticipating writing adds interest to my days and makes be a better (and more sane) Caregiver.  The processing I do here has had a very positive effect on my ability to reframe sometimes frustrating tasks in ways that allow me to discover meaning in those tasks, at the same time giving my life meaning.  Why so tired?  It is heading for 1:00am now.  All in all, I am willing to endure being tired if it allows me to live meaningfully. 

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

April 2, 2009

Caregiver Self-Care: Renewal Retreat Results

Posted by PeterT under Meaningful Caregiving, Relationship Issues, Therapeutic Activities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
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Early this evening I returned from two nights and three days at St. Francis of the Woods Center for Spiritual Renewal in Oklahoma.  As I had anticipated in my last post, the experience was at least as meaningful as I had expected it to be.  The five hour drive provided transition time, time to unwind, time for my mind to race through whatever it needed to process so that I could fully experience the time there engaging in each moment as it came. 

It takes time to disengage and let go of all the pressures and responsibilities of Caregiving and work, if you have other work in addition to Caregiving.  A three day Retreat allows time that needed time.  Knowing that Mary Ann was in capable hands during the time I would be gone was important to allowing the freedom to let go. 

For those who know our household, it is hardly necessary to add that the trip down included a stop at Braum’s for a two scoop hot fudge Sundae with lots of salted pecans, topped with whipped cream and a cherry.  Let’s be straight about this renewal business.  Ice cream (or whatever your favorite treat is) goes a long way toward nourishing the rest and renewal muscles. 

The retreat content was as described in my last post.  There was no agenda.  I needed time to be free to initiate activity as I felt the need.  When Caregiving, of necessity, Mary Ann’s needs take priority.  By contrast, on this Retreat, I decide what to do and when to do it. 

I walked outdoors for hours.  I walked slowly, savoring the sounds and sights and sensations as they came.  I engaged fully each moment.  I felt the warmth of the sun and the feel of the breeze early the first evening.  I watched and listened intently for birds especially.  I watched an Oklahoma storm develop and pass over.  During nine years living in Oklahoma City, both Mary Ann and I came to love watching those storms develop.  

When the storm started producing lightning, I had enough sense to head back to the cabin.  I knew that Mary Ann would be pretty irritated if I was struck by lightning and she was left to fend for herself.  In fact, if I were hit by lightning and did not survive, she might very well have me cremated and spread my ashes in a fabric store to languish there for an eternity.  Given the option, I would prefer fire and brimstone.  Needless to say, I moved to safety very quickly. 

The next day was chilly, but bright.  I walked again.  On occasion I stopped to sit on the camping stool tied to my backpack to read or just sit and look and listen.  I suppose I accumulated eight or so hours out in that beauty that day.  Today I walked again for a couple more hours, this time walking faster, covering the same territory as the last two days, looking for surprises. 

In the course of my time outside, as I looked up at a nest high in a tree with my binoculars, I was startled by two eyes staring back at me as a Long-Eared Owl sat on her nest.  I was examined by a couple of nearby wild turkeys to see if I was a threat.  Apparently they concluded that I was not.  I was checked out by five circling Turkey Vultures trying to determine if I would be a fitting afternoon snack.  In fact this morning three circled overhead and one got so close that I could actually hear his wings flapping.  After seeing a White-tail Deer run off in the woods, a buck that was still out of sight tried to intimidate me with his loud and threatening snorting.  There is more, but that is for another post for those who love to walk in nature. 

I have to say that while there was utter solitude most of the time I was on the Retreat, I never felt lonely, I never really felt alone.  In those settings I feel a fullness, a wholeness that is sometimes hard to feel when I am in more populated settings. 

When I was at the farthest point on my wanderings, sitting in a cluster of trees, turkeys nearby, I took out my cell phone and called Mary Ann.  She wasn’t home at that moment, but I left a message with a few words about where I was and what I was doing, letting her know that I was thinking of her and that I love her. 

There is something that has come to be so for me about solitude, meditation and the power of renewal imbedded in them.  If the experience draws me away from relationship, isolates me, separates me from those I love, it is not, in my eyes, an authentic experience.  While as full time Caregivers, we need time for breaks, moments of escape, that is not the purpose of a Renewal Retreat.  If my goal on the Retreat were just escape, it would make of what I do as a Caregiver bondage instead of a meaningful calling.  If escape is the primary purpose of the Retreat, it will not renew, but do the opposite, magnify the frustrations and make the return home a time of dread. 

The purpose of a Renewal Retreat is to find yourself to be whole, fulfilled, grounded and full of life, life that cannot be stolen from you by challenging circumstances.  The images and sounds and smells and feelings, the experiences can become a well from which draughts of refreshment can be drawn in a moment’s reflection even during a busy and even frustrating day of Caregiving. 

The motivation for a Renewal Retreat is not simply self-serving.  It is pretty tough to have a meaningful relationship with someone you claim to love whether they are in need of care or not, if you feel unfulfilled and empty.   Then relationships come to be about filling our unfulfilled needs.  Relationships come to be about getting instead of giving because we have nothing to give.  Ultimately, no one else can make us whole, give our lives meaning, fill our needs.  A Renewal Retreat as I experience it gives me a sense of fulness and meaning that helps me discover again who I am, so that I can respond to Mary Ann’s needs without losing myself.  I can be a better  Caregiver and a better husband — never even close to perfect, just better.

Just as a Post Sript, the retreat ended with a lunch that is provided weekly for the staff and those who are a part of the leadership at St. Francis.   Gratefully, guest retreatants are welcome to join them for lunch.  A more delightful crew would be hard to find.  I especially enjoyed the reflective time after lunch, processing spiritual renewal and learning from one another.   Renewed in solitude and in community — what a treat!

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

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