August 18, 2009

Ups and Downs plus Ordination Anniversary

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Meaningful Caregiving, Therapeutic Activities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

Logic sometimes seems to be completely useless in trying to figure out what to do.  In my last post, I was pleased with myself for keeping Mary Ann moving during the day to assure that she would sleep well.  In that post I reported that the hallucinations had diminished and she seemed to be down for the night.  So much for that observation.

After I finished that post, she started moving around.  The animals were back.  She was restless and we battled the animals for a couple of hours.  The next day was not much better.  There was a Volunteer in the morning who read to her.  I needed that break.  I headed up to the lake, listened to music and checked for wildlife.  As soon as I got back the usual issues that emerge when neither of us have gotten enough rest kept us at odds for much of the day.  Last night included some restlessness, but we both got a decent amount of sleep.

Today has gone reasonably well.  It is the day exactly forty years ago that I was Ordained, the day I became a Pastor.  We got out to a late lunch and splurged a bit, at least as much as can be done at an Applebee’s.  Our town has far too many restaurants, but few that are elegant and expensive (almost none).

There was a Volunteer tonight with Mary Ann.  I used the time to head up to my favorite spot nearby to watch the sunset and the wildlife.  A momma turkey and five young’uns provided some entertainment.  A doe settled down for some cud chewing about 200 feet way.  She seemed to enjoy the organ and choral music on a John Leavitt CD as it drifted out of the open window of the van.  She got up and left when the CD was done.  She has good taste in music.

There has been some nostalgia, maybe a bit of melancholy today.  The contrast between my life now and my life a couple of years ago is pretty dramatic.  During the years of ministry, most of my time (at least 60-70 hours a week) was spent connecting with other people face to face or via email.  Even when I was at home with Mary Ann, most of the time I wasn’t responding to her needs, I was at the computer interacting with people.

Because of the nature of my profession, there was lots of opportunity for being a part of people’s lives with the goal of making some sort of difference for good.  Whether I accomplished that or not is another matter.  That determination lies in the judgment of others.  All of that ceased completely at the end of the day on June 30, 2008.

I am grateful to have lifted from my shoulders the load of responsibility that goes with the role of Senior Pastor of a fairly large and very active congregation with hundreds of people serving as Volunteers as well as a substantial (and very capable) paid Staff.  I felt responsible to at least try to consistently do good work.  It was hard work.  As is always the case, the hard work is what produced the most meaningful accomplishments.  Gratefully, the central commodity we deliver is forgiveness.  It is a good thing, since I certainly needed lots of it for the things I did not get done or did not do well.

Today, it settled in me a little more deeply that that part of my life is over.  I found myself wanting to connect a bit with folks I have served over the years.  While my ministry has not been about me, but the One I follow, I would be lying if I claimed utter selflessness.

Today, I also recalled the most magnificent celebration I could have imagined when the congregation gathered for a retirement party a few weeks over a year ago.  What a party!  There was a sea of almost 500 people spread out in that room.  There was great food, great coffee, great ice cream, spectacular decorations, thoughtful gifts, and kind words that were way beyond anything I deserved (that’s not humility but honesty).  I will never forget that day.  No matter how bittersweet the day was today, I do not feel underappreciated.

Mary Ann is now in bed and on the monitor appears to be settled.  I will not predict how the night will go.  There was no napping today.  Logic would suggest that she would sleep.  Logic is irrelevant.  It will be what it will be. Actually, she has just had a trip to the commode and is now (seeing her on the monitor) moving about as if she is seeing things.

Tomorrow is a routine (three times a year) trip to the University of Kansas Department of Neurology’s Parkinson’s Center (Movement Disorders).  Hopefully Dr. Pahwa will have a suggestion for improving Mary Ann’ ability to rest at night with fewer troublesome hallucinations.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

June 21, 2009

Caregiver’s Moment of Melancholy

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Meaningful Caregiving, Relationship Issues, Therapeutic Activities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

Music seems to crack open my mind and heart in ways that most anything else cannot.  It is a good thing when it happens.  Needless to say for those who have read this blog, my mode of operation for handling stressful situations is to think my way through them.  I put words together in my mind that frame whatever it is in an intellectual structure that makes it seem more manageable to me. Music seems to dismantle my neatly formed defensive structures and feeling overcomes thinking for a time.

Tonight I listened to music for about an hour and a half, a couple of CD’s.  One was done by a composer named Marty Haugen.  He writes liturgical music. Much of what he writes has a simplicity and a melodic style that is quite disarming.  In my last couple of decades in the ministry, Marty Haugen’s music often found its way into worship services.  The other CD was one in the Celtic Woman series.  My defenses are of absolutely no use in the face of the crystal clear sweetness of those lovely voices.

In her comment on last night’s post, Sharon touched on the one thing that puts into perspective all that we struggle with as full time Caregivers of our spouses.  The time we have with our spouses is of great value against the backdrop of what is coming.  There is no predicting the future.  I may die before Mary Ann.  For most of us in this stage of caregiving, the likelihood is that we will outlive our chronically Ill spouses.

The music tonight cracked open my heart and mind, and that likelihood surfaced.

I spent almost forty years in the business of helping people through times of grieving someone they loved who had died.  I have done more funerals than I can count.  I have buried people of all ages and circumstances from those who died in the womb to those who lived to within days of a hundred years old.  I have buried people who died accidental deaths and people who suffered a violent death at the hands of a perpetrator.  I have buried people who battled long and hard some form of Cancer before they died.  I have buried one of my best friends.  I preached at the funerals of two of Mary Ann’s brothers who died of Cancer, each at the age of fifty-one.  I preached at the Memorial Service for Mary Ann’s Mother.  I preached at my own Mother’s funeral. I know how to do a funeral and how to counsel people in preparation for the funeral and how to minister to them as they grieve afterward.

Tonight, broken open by the music, my thoughts and feelings went to a place of great pain. Just for a moment, I imagined myself sitting in that front pew feeling the deep sadness there.  Then, I suppose because I did it for my Mother-in-Law and my Mom, I pictured myself doing a Memorial Service in Northern Illinois where we grew up.  Many in the family there would not be able to travel to Kansas.  Mary Ann’s very best friends of more than fifty-five years are there, her Sisters-in-law, nephews and nieces who love her very much, my brothers and sisters and their families, are all there or close enough to get there.  I wondered if I could do the service in a way that would center on Mary Ann’s life and not my grief.  Who else would or could do it?  We have been gone from there for almost fifty years.

For those of you who know me personally, please do not be concerned that I am in some sort of deep emotional struggle.  It was simply a time of encountering a potential future reality.  It is a good thing to be able to go there, grieve, and come back from there.  What I encountered there was painful beyond description.  Yes, I have whined about the struggles of taking care of Mary Ann, the frustrations.  I have shared that I get irritated at her and get grumpy sometimes.  I would not give up a moment of it.  I want it to go on for years to come.  We have been married forty-three and a half years.  I plan on at least celebrating fifty years of marriage with her.

Those of us who are caring full time for a spouse with a chronic disease, to be able to function effectively day after day, have to distance ourselves from some of the harsh realities.  On occasion we also need to catch a glimpse of those realities, so that we can gain perspective on the value of the time we have with the one we love. Tonight I caught that glimpse.  I am celebrating the time we have together.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

June 14, 2009

Creating a Nurturing Environment

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Meaningful Caregiving, Practical Tools for Coping, Sources of Strength, Therapeutic Activities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

I tried again tonight.  I am resorting to chemical warfare, natural, organic, but nonetheless chemical warfare.  The weapons: blood meal and Cayenne pepper.  I am determined to have sweet potato vines growing in the large pot on the deck, and the squirrels are determined that it will not be so. 

When we first moved in there were no squirrels.  I longed for them.  When the first one came, I fed it.  Now there are a cluster of them.  I still feed them.  That makes it even more annoying.  The ungrateful buggers.  I have taken care of them day in and day out and this is my thanks — eating my sweet potato vines?

That is not all.  I planted some Salvia in the barrel — four plants.  I caught one eating a salad of Salvia leaves.  More than that, chewing off the stems at the surface of the dirt.  If that is not enough, later I caught the squrrel as he was chewing off the Salvia plants that were still in the flats, awaiting transplantation to small circle of plants in front of the house.  I managed to salvage four plants for the front.  They are still growing a week later.  The squirrels seem not to venture into the front yard. 

I have a theory about the squirrels specifically choosing to eat the Salvia.  I mentioned my plight in the Wednesday morning group that meets on the deck.  One member remembered her daughter mentioning that kids sometimes smoke Salvia to get high.  Apparently a strain of Salvia is a hallucinogen.  I decided that the squirrels are partying on my Salvia!  I haven’t noticed any unusual behavior, but then who knows what  behavior is normal for a squirrel.  Actually, the strain of Salvia kids have smoked has been illegal in Kansas for the last few years. 

I have now been assured by two people that blood meal will repel squirrels  and by another person that the vines will absorb the Cayenne pepper — one bite sending the squirrel screaming in agony.  For some reason the movie Caddyshack, Bill Murray and Gophers just popped into my mind. 

With Mary Ann supervising, in the last week or so, I have planted three large pots on the deck, an area behind the house, a barrel near the front door, a small area in front of the house and will soon plant a vining Petunia on a berm next to the house.  There is very little rhyme or reason to the plants and flowers picked and only limited aesthetic value, but at least they are planted. 

Since our circumstances tie us to the house much of the time, it seems worth the effort to work at creating a nurturing environment.  Flowers and plants are a part of  creating that environment. 

One of the activities that creates interest at home for me is creating a friendly presence for the birds.  There are eleven feeders of one sort or another attached in some way to our little deck.  In addition there are a couple of ground feeding areas in the back yard near a tree behind the deck.  There is a heated bird bath attached to the rail.  I have just hung a new little meal worm feeder outside my office window at the front of the house.  I am still in the process of waiting in hopes that a neighborhood wren will discover it.  We have a speaker in the dining room that picks up bird sounds from the deck area through a microphone just outside the window. 

We have planted trees in the back to provide shade and cover for the birds and squirrels and aesthetic variety.  The wildlife that has wandered through includes a couple of Mallard Ducks who regularly come by to eat, a possum seen once foraging in the feeding areas under the tree, last night a brazen Raccoon stopped by to climb on the deck and munch seed from one of the bird feeders.  I have seen his paw prints more than once in the bottom of the birdbath.  Rabbits hang out under the deck and often join the others at the feeding areas. 

We live in a maintenance free cluster of townhomes with multiple subdivisions in all directions.  We have created such a welcoming space for wildlife because I find their presence to be nurturing to my mental health.  Mary Ann enjoys it some, but mostly just tolerates my penchant for feeding the fauna.   

Next week ABC Ponds will begin work on the pondless waterfall that will be constructed behind the deck.  What precipitated the idea was the need to deal with a problem with standing water behind the houses in our area.  Sump pumps cycle constantly emptying into the area.  The clay will not absorb rain water when comes.  What will be created is essentially a manmade wetland with a deep reservoire filled with natural filtering material, covered with perennial native marginal plants.  The water will be pumped from the base of the well to the waterfall.  Kansas State University has been using this process in recent years to deal with run off. 

The environment I have sought to create is not just a novelty.  It is an essential element in my survival here.  The television provides entertainment for Mary Ann.  I watch my share of it but find it to frustrate my sense of well-being rather than nurture it. 

Many a day we are not able to set foot off the property due to the complexities of Mary Ann’s physical needs.  There need to be nurturing elements in our environment. 

Inside the house are paintings, a metal wall sculpture, antiques, crystal and china and ceramics to add quality and variety to the interior of our home.  A few  years ago I commissioned two members of the congregation, a cabinet maker and an artist to create a small worship center that sits in my office, providing a focal point for meditation.  We have a sound system in the living room that provides a good quality of sound for the occasional time after Mary Ann is in bed for just listening to music that feeds my spirit. 

If I will be a healthy and able Caregiver for Mary Ann, there needs to be regular access to that which nourishes my well-being.  I am then better able to provide for her as nurturing and safe and healthy an environment as possible.  Rather than allowing the four walls of our little living space to be confining and boring, empty of the richness we both need to maintain our emotional health, we have committed our time and resources to creating a nurturing space in which we can live meaningfully. 

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

June 2, 2009

Caregiver’s Soul is Fed

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Meaningful Caregiving, Practical Tools for Coping, Sources of Strength, Therapeutic Activities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
[2] Comments 

While the owners would not appreciate it, I hope no one purchases a lot and builds a home in the River Hill subdivision.  That undeveloped subdivision provided the setting for a wonderful meal of soul food tonight.

All of us need nourishment for the deepest part of ourselves, the place from which we draw strength for traveling through days that are sometimes filled with too much to do.  Often much of what fills our days does not nourish our souls but instead drains the life and strength and stamina from us.

While my days are not so full as they have been in the past, and Mary Ann’s and my time together is going pretty well, the need for feeding my soul remains.  Tonight it was fed.

Twila came to stay with Mary Ann.  They seemed to enjoy their time together.  There was progress made on a novel — a different one from Elaine’s Sunday morning book.  I headed out to that spot high on a hill, above and behind a new shopping area.  There is a new street that has been constructed, and I am sure the area has been platted with very expensive lots.  No one has bought a lot and built yet.

The spot has trees on both sides bordering the field of varied and colorful weeds that will probably one day be lawns and houses.  The view to the west is beyond description.  There are trees and fields and low rolling hills that extend all the way to the horizon many miles away.  A little area of the Kansas River is visible.  The railroad tracks run along side the tracks. Trains can often be seen and whistles heard as they move along those tracks.

Today, while Mary Ann was looking for a couple of books at the library, I noticed the shelves containing the Classical Music CD’s.  I picked a couple almost at random.  One is called “The Prayer Cycle” by Jonathan Elias.  Actually it both confused and intrigued me when I looked at it more carefully.  It is listed as a choral symphony in nine movements.  The confusing part was that those listed as performers included Alanis Morissette, James Taylor, the American Boychoir, John Williams, Linda Ronstadt, The English Chamber Orchestra and Chorus, and a number of people with names suggesting a variety of nationalities.

To describe the experience I need to borrow a Greek word.  Maybe having to take seven years of Greek is paying off.  The word I am borrowing is the word for compassion. The Greek word for compassion transliterated into English is splangknidzomai.  The first part of the word, splangkna, means viscera, innards, guts.  That is where the Ancient Greeks understood deep feelings to reside. Given the size of the antacid business, I suspect the Ancient Greeks were right. Tonight, the music on that CD combined with the sounds and sights of that remarkable setting to reach into the depths of my splangkna to stir and lift my spirit.

The sun was still a couple of hours from setting when I looked at it hanging in the west.  There were some thin and hazy clouds muting its brightness.  As it moved lower in the sky, it became less and less visible.  The cloudiness had no clear boundary, except that it sort of melted into a mist in the trees on the horizon.  There was just a powerful calming in the view from that hill.

The trees on one side in particular were quaking in the wind providing more power to the calming effect.  They were not the Quaking Aspen of Colorado, but another member of the family.  There were, of course, birds to be seen and heard.  One tiny bird sang a wonderfully complex melody so loudly that I could hear it over the music on the CD.

There was a hawk sailing around for a bit.  I am convinced that the hawk was as exhilarated by the currents under his wings lifting him as I was by the sights and sounds on that hill lifting my spirit.  There were some swallows that appeared to be dancing with one another in midair.  I realized that the dance was their way of catching food.  Without the dance, they would die.  I felt as if I was being surrounded by metaphors one after another filled with clues for living meaningfully.

One part of the scene was the intrusion of the relentless sound of tires on the pavement of a nearby Interstate.  That sound actually seemed to help balance the exhiliration of my lifted spirit with the practical realities of my daily experiences.

Then there was the music.  The music blended choral, instrumental and chant together in the same pieces.  The chant was odd.  It was certainly not Gregorian Chant.  One semester in the Seminary, I had a class in the Solemnes style of Gregorian Chant.  For three years I sang in a small chant ensemble that sang at weekly chapel services.  While this was not Gregorian, it was chant.  The chant and choral music was sung in a variety of languages, Hungarian, Mali, Swahili, Dwala, Tibetan, German, French, Urdu, Latin, English, Italian, Hebrew, and Spanish.  For some reason I had the odd feeling that this chant was a reverent, multilingual, classical style of Rap.

I was struck by the way rich chords and complex dissonances contrasted one another, each more beautiful because it was next to the other.  In the moments of silence between phrases in the music, the birds and the wind in the trees and the sounds of traffic folded more prominently into the experience.

With this feeble attempt at translating the sights and sounds of a moving, spirit lifting experience into words, I intend to say that a couple of hours well spent can feed the soul of a Caregiver whose days may be filled with activities that do not necessarily lift the spirit.  For me, it is the soul feeding experiences that help bring meaning to the daily tasks.  With a well-fed soul, the Caregiving itself can become soul food.

Eat heartily!

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

May 18, 2009

Caregiver’s Day Off!

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Help from Others, Meaningful Caregiving, Practical Tools for Coping | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

I’ll bet you wish you had seen hundreds of Wilson’s Phalaropes swimming in little circles at a dizzying rate of speed, a White-faced Ibis, lots of Black-necked Stilts, a bunch of cute little Semipalmated (not fully, but only semi-palmated) Plovers, very many American Avocets and Hudsonian Godwits, not to mention the White-rumped Sandpipers and the Scissortail Flycatcher — all this along with forty-eight more varieties of birds.

I got a day off yesterday, and so did Mary Ann!  We both had a great time.  I spent the day birding with an experienced birder, a new friend that I now call Bob, and Mary Ann spent most of the day with our Son, Micah.

Arranging a day off is no small task for a full time Caregiver.  Those routines that provide the structure to the day and provide assurance that everything that needs to be done gets done, are not easily explained to someone who does not do them on a daily basis.  To write down instructions for all the routines and appropriate responses to the variety of situations that might arise would be almost impossible.  It would read like the instruction manual for a computer program.

To have a day off, I needed to have enough confidence in Mary Ann’s safety and security that I could let go of any concern, relax and enjoy the day’s activities.  There are pills to be taken, a medicine patch to be replaced, a wound to be dressed, bathroom needs to be dealt with, food to be provided, a commode to be cleaned out, maybe a shower and/or hair washed.  There are endless possibilities for problems to arise, from falls to heart pain to fainting spells.

I was able to relax completely.  Here is why:  For the last years of my ministry, we had an agency provide a paid person to do Companion Care with Mary Ann for three hours from 6:45am to 9:45am on Sunday mornings.  That was a time that it was not appropriate to ask a Volunteer to serve.  We have used two agencies mainly.  One is called Comfort Keepers and the other Home Instead.  Both are very good.  The one we have used most recently is Home Instead.  For the last couple of years of ministry, Debbie came each Sunday morning.  She became very familiar with the morning routine, including shower and hair washing, dressing, taking meds, providing breakfast, cleaning the commode and dealing with the fainting spells should they happen.  Debbie was available yesterday for the early morning shift. The cost is about $16 per hour.  It is worth the sixty dollars that it will cost to have her there, to have a day off for both of us. (Home Instead: http://www.homeinstead.com/; Comfort Keepers: http://www.comfortkeepes.com/)

For the evening three hours, Margaret was willing to come.  She is a very good friend to Mary Ann, as well as the Parish Nurse for our Congregation.  She has all the skill and experience anyone could ask for.  She has taught nursing for decades and, while retired, still keeps active, serving on call as a home health nurse for a local hospital along with serving full time as Parish Nurse — volunteering her time in that role.

During part of the afternoon, until a virus laid her low, Edie was going to spend a few hours.  She is also a good friend to Mary Ann and has dealt with everything right up to calling the ambulance to take her to the hospital when it was needed.

The best part of all was that our Son, Micah, was able to come from 9:30am to 6:30pm to be with his Mom.  Our Daughter-in-Law, Becky, and Granddaughter, Chloe, were on a Girl Scout campout this weekend.  That freed the time for Micah to come.  For a Mom to have her adult Son to herself for a full day is a treat beyond description.  Micah always brings out the best in Mary Ann.  She was alert and able to communicate.  They talked on the phone with our Daughter, Lisa.  They played some Scrabble.  Needless to say, the game only went a two or three rounds, but Mary Ann managed to come up with some of the words on her own.  She used to be merciless in playing Scrabble with the Volunteers.  They knew they were in the presence of greatness.  Micah took her outside for a trek to the nearby park, looking at flowers and enjoying the weather as he wheeled her along.  They ate some leftovers and then later headed out to get a milkshake from Sonic.  Micah and ice cream too!  Can’t beat it!

One of the special benefits of the day were the bits and pieces of conversation that Micah had with his Mom.  He got to have her at her best some of the time.  He experienced some of her hallucinations.  There were some times when she was not tracking, but much of the time she was.  While their conversations were between the two of them, one interaction that Micah shared was very revealing.  She wondered if it was not so that once a person needed to be fed, they would have to go to a nursing home.  He assured her that as long as there was someone at home willing to help, that was not so.  She has in recent days begin allowing me to help her with food, even in public.  That need must have been a great concern to her, carrying with it in her mind powerful implications.

As I processed the day, one thing popped into my mind when thinking about how good the day was for the two of them.  Mary Ann and I have enjoyed hopelessly spoiling our Granddaughter Chloe when she is with us before returning her to Micah and Becky to deal with the aftermath.  Turnabout is fair play, as they say.  After a day of Micah’s full attention, entertaining her and enjoying her every minute of the time he was there, I have to deal with the aftermath!

If there will be a Caregiver’s day off (as well as a CareReceiver’s day off), there are all sorts of things that need to be done over a period of time to allow it to happen.

For one thing, we had developed a relationship with an agency, using it on a regular basis, if only for a short time each week.  That way the option was available and familiar.  We  had already developed the booklet with all the pertinent information if any problem should arise.  (See this blog’s March 29th, 2009, post titled “Caregivers’, Carereceivers’, Volunteers’ Safety Issues” for more information on the booklet.)

We had allowed some good people to spend time with Mary Ann over the past eight or nine years, providing a cadre of people to call on, people comfortable with her, experienced in dealing with a variety of contingencies.

We planned the day far enough in advance to allow for the scheduling needed so that it could actually happen.

It was helpful to make a commitment to the day and to make the commitment to another person so that the motivation to follow through would be there.  It surprised me that I was ambivalent about going as the day approached.  I realized that as I have settled into the role of full time Caregiver, the role has come to provide a certain comfort and security.  I was apprehensive about being away for the day.  I have come to find meaning in what I do here to the extent, that it was a little uncomfortable to think of being away from that fulfilling task.

The day off was good for both Mary Ann and me.  We had a chance to be ourselves, each separate from the other.  It was reassuring that we both had a very good day. That the day went well encourages us to do it again some time in the future.  It took lots of planning, but it was worth the effort.

Caregivers, take a day off! It will do both of you a world of good.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

May 7, 2009

Caregiver’s Sources of Strength

Posted by PeterT under Daily Challenges, Help from Others, Meaningful Caregiving, Therapeutic Activities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

Today is the first day this spring we have been able to meet on the deck.  There is a dramatic change in the feel of the experience when on the deck rather than in the downstairs family room.  At 7:30am the birds are fully engaged in noisy and boisterous activity.  In that setting we have been buzzed by hummingbirds heading for the feeder.  A Cooper’s Hawk has come crashing through concentrating on its prey, oblivious to coming within inches a ducking head.  Rabbits have come by the deck with little fear of being so close to people.  Hungry birds have ventured to a feeder no more than a couple of feet from the head of one of us.   

The smells and the sounds, the sun and clouds and trees and gently blowing breezes calm the spirits of our little group as we begin with a few moments of silent meditation.  Our silence has as part of its nature the sounds of nature, as well as car sounds, mowers, dogs, airplanes, whatever else that happens to be going on during those moments.  The sounds of nature seem to dominate. 

We refer to our group as a Spiritual Formation Group.  The Group began many years ago.  I am not sure how many at this point — maybe seven or eight years.   The size has ranged from four to six members.  There are just a couple of us who have been there from the very beginning.  There are five of us at the moment.  It meets at our home since I need to be on call for Mary Ann’s needs.  The group emerged at a time in the life of the Congregation when there was a special emphasis on starting small groups. 

Our goal is to incorporate what we believe into what we do moment by moment each day — the ordinary.  We seek to support one another in disciplines that increase the likelihood of our finding the strength to live meaningfully no matter what comes or how fast it comes. 

It is no small order.  This morning in the course of our conversation, I had a chance to do some more processing of yesterday’s emergency trip to the Dermatologist to re-sew stitches that had been torn out of Mary Ann’s shoulder by a fall, stitches intended to close the gaping hole left by the removal of a skin Cancer.  I should add quickly that after a restless night, a painful morning this morning, she slept four or five hours.   She is doing well at the moment, down for the night (hopefully). 

Our group has a covenant that includes confidentiality.  Any specifics will reflect only my thoughts and comments.  The rest will come in general terms. 

Caregivers need a support system!  We cannot do this by ourselves.  Some of the support comes in the form of help with tasks, companion care for Mary Ann, food, all sorts of tangibles.  The support that is to be found in a Spiritual Formation Group is the nurturing of the spirit, the center of being from which deep personal strength comes.  From that deep well of strength is drawn the power to endure, even thrive, in the face of adversity. 

My approach to talking about Spiritual Formation is intended to reflect two elements of my intentions for this Blog.  One intention is to reflect my own spirituality, since that is how I manage as a full time Caregiver.  I am a retired Lutheran Pastor.  I have a deep faith rooted in a very specific understanding of Who God is and what God has done.  My relationship with God is created and sustained by a fellow name Jesus Christ.  I make no apology for that faith. 

At the same time, this Blog is not a parochial piece intended exclusively for folks who happen to share my faith.   The most basic element of my faith is the unconditional love reflected in the Christian Story (a true story).  That love has no bounds.  I am very comfortable framing the truth in humanistic terms, scientific terms, philosophical terms.  I feel no need to defend my faith or force feed it to others — witness to it, yes.  It is a part of who I am and how I cope. 

I will seek to do so and enjoy framing the deep well of strength in a way that is accessible to people who have another spirituality or no spirituality at all in their view of reality. 

In our group, we always use a book of some sort intended for use in a spiritual formation small group setting.  We are currently using book in a series of Spiritual Formation Guides produced by Renovare (http://www.renovare.org).   The chapter we were doing today is titled “Being the Good News.”  Our conversation revolved around the question, “…how do you seek to act as the good news in the world?” 

This morning my need as a Caregiver was to process with others what had happened yesterday, the fall, the broken stitches, the dripping blood thinned by Plavix, the emergency trip to the doctor to be resewn.  I needed to process it so that I could face the harsh reality that had I been beside her I might have prevented it, that I had not been calm and cool and collected, sweet and nurturing throughout the experience.  I needed to affirm what I had done that was appropriate to keep Mary Ann safe, to get her the help she needed, to care for her during and after the trauma.

The conversation in that small group, the processing, helped me to reframe the experience in a way that allows me to accept my failings, celebrate the good, and see the possibility for change. 

For those who don’t have a spiritual dimension as part of their worldview, having a small group option for processing experiences is equally important.  The goal is to reframe what has happened in a way that gives it meaning.  Seeking to become more fully human is not only a help to your Loved One but a help in your own survival.  Each event is an opportunity for growth.  That growth can lead you to a better quality of life as you become more able to get past the reactive primitive brain impulses to thoughts and actions that are both sensible, humane and life affirming. 

Caregivers need a healthy, well-balanced support system.  A small group, in my situation, a Spiritual Formation Group, can help provide the deep source of strength needed to endure whatever life throws our way. 

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

 

March 14, 2009

To Cry or Not to Cry

Posted by PeterT under Therapeutic Activities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

Whether the reason is lurking somewhere in my DNA, those double helixes containing the code that tells the cells in my body where to go and what to do when they get there, or in subtle messages from Dad (he didn’t talk much) as he showed me what to do with my feelings (don’t show them), I did not end up able to cry very much.  Mind you, I can tear up at a sappy movie.  My lip will quiver when I am overcome with emotion, but really crying, sobbing, is a very rare experience for me.   There was the time my Dad died, the day our daughter left for college (our Son contends this is just more evidence that we liked her more than him — gratefully, she is convinced we liked him more than her — we must have done something right).  There was the time after six sleepless nights in Mary Ann’s hospital room that I broke down, sobbing, in my Son’s arms.  I cried when we buried good friend Al.  I can count on one hand the times I have really cried. 

I am a member of an online group for those caring for spouses who have Lewy Body Dementia (check www.lbda.org for information on joining).   Parkinson’s Disease Dementia is a Lewy Body Dementia.  There is an understanding of confidentiality in the group.  I suspect no one will mind my sharing one of today’s topics.  Someone asked for suggestions for “music to cry by….”  Please understand that very many of these brave folks have given themselves completely to the care of Loved Ones who need them constantly.  Lewy Body Dementia (LBD) is a particularly insidious form of Dementia.  Symptoms can come and go from one minute to the next with no way to predict when they will do so.   I can only hope I will muster their courage when our journey takes us where so many of them are or have been. 

The songs suggested had names like, The Days of Wine and Roses, Because of You, The Way We Were, If Tomorrow Never Comes, Blue Eyes Cryin’ in the Rain, Through the Years, You Were Always on my Mind, I Still Miss You, After the Lovin’, And I Love You So, and dozens more.  I was struck by how many could respond immediately to the question, “What is music to cry by….”  The posts just kept coming. 

Then came a few who asked (I paraphrase), who needs music, I can cry any time, just stopping to think brings tears.  It would break your heart to hear the litany of impossible challenges these people endure, some for decades.  Yes, there is a time to weep.  We are made of water, mostly.  Sometimes we need to just spill some of it before we explode.  I suppose that is what tear ducts are for.  No, it doesn’t change our circumstances when we cry.  It changes us, our chemistry.  Strangely, it seems to take us close to the place from which laughter comes.  When spending time with grieving families, listening to stories about the one who died, the laughter and the tears seemed to live right next door to one another.  Both seemed to have healing power.

But what of those of us who don’t do well at crying?  We need to find our way to a mechanism for releasing whatever it is, whatever healing it is that tears and laughter can provide.   My insides can be stirred by a Bach Passion, or Russian liturgical music, or Ralph Vaughn Williams, or Poulenc, or Widor, or Telemann, sometimes Enya or the Celtic Women or Hammer Dulcimer music.  For me, these past few days have confirmed that my release is to be found in thoughts put into words.  My life’s work has revolved around talking.  Now that we are mostly at home, today was a day of sleep for Mary Ann (one of the transitory symptoms of LBD), there is no one to listen.  So, here I am, making words, my version of crying and laughing and healing.  And you who dare to enter this Internet domain are my therapists.  (Please do not bill me!)

 

« Previous Page