Mary Ann had vivid dreams all night long, waking often, sometimes only minutes after the last time up.  Even though she was up, each time her visual experience and awareness included whatever she was dreaming.  The people now had a baby.  She and they were in Alaska.  More than once when she awoke, she was in Alaska.  She was never here at the house sitting on her bed.  Each time I had to try to convince or just raise my voice and insist that she lie back down.  This went on throughout the entire night.

Of course, more than once she wanted to get up and get dressed — mostly to go back home.  Once I woke up with her sitting down on my bed almost on me, unaware of where she was.  When I woke at 7:15am (having been up with her at least two or three times an hour until 6:15am before that) she was sitting on the edge of her bed, pj’s off, determined to get dressed.  She, of course can’t do so without someone getting the clothes and putting them on her.

I got her dressed.  Then we went out for pills and breakfast.  She was doing lots of hallucinating during the course of that time, but they were more manageable than last night.

After eating, I left her at the table since she seemed settled there.  I asked if she was okay there while I took my shower and cleaned up.  She said yes.  I was glad she did since part of the reason for my leaving her sitting there is that the chair she is in is heavy and has arms, not allowing her to hop up and fall.  She has now been sitting at the table for over two hours.

She did manage to lose track of how she was holding her cup of ice water and ended up pouring it out on the table.  Much of the time she was sitting there she was making eating motions as if she was picking things up from the table and putting them in her mouth.  After a while she lay her head on the table.  I asked her a couple of times if she wanted to go in and lie down for a nap, saying that it would be better to nap earlier in the day than later.  Once she sort of snapped back that she was fine — the tone was, “just leave me alone.”

Her head has been up and down at various times.  I headed out to the dining room every ten minutes or so to ask if she needed anything.  She has stayed there all morning, always responding that she is fine..

County Health Nurse Linda came by and gave us out H1N1 flu shots.  Mary Ann was a little responsive to her.  Later I asked if she was hungry.  She said yes.  I reheated the half of a hamburger sandwich from yesterday and brought her Pepsi and chips.  She had her face pretty much in her plate and got a bite or two of the hamburger.  Each time I offered any sort of help, she refused it.

Then she dumped the Pepsi out on the table as she had her water earlier.  After cleaning it up, I got a cup that was left over from when our Granddaughters were here.  It is a small plastic cup with a tight lid and a large plastic straw that reduces the leakage should it go over.  That is now there for her to use.  She did drop in on her chair, but nothing leaked out.

Finally, after a long time of getting no food, I asked her if she wanted any of Mary’s Jello, Cool Whip and cottage cheese salad.  I brought it and asked if she would let me put the spoonfuls into her mouth.  She agreed.  At least she got some nourishment.

After a bathroom trip, she wanted to return to the table.  The television is on, a loud submarine war movie that sometimes catches her attention.  Her head is on the table at various times.  I continue to check on her and ask if she wants to move back to her transfer chair by the television (her usual spot) or lie down in the bedroom for a while.

Last night returned me to the edge of my capacity to handle Mary Ann’s needs here.  Once a few years ago, when discussing Mary Ann’s care needs with our daughter, Lisa, who served as an Administrator of a very large multi-level care facility for the older population (CCRC), she said that at that point already, her Mom would not qualify for a room in an Assisted Living facility.  She was already then past that point into full nursing home care.

The person I cared for last night would need to be in a locked Dementia wing.  I just came back from checking on her at the table, asking if she was okay there.  She said she would be there for a while.  I then went back and asked her where she was.  She answered, “Kansas City.”  Thinking she was just confusing Kansas City with where we live now since they are so close together, I asked if she was in our town, our house, sitting at our dining room table.  She looked around as if she was trying to figure that out, but did not answer.

Today I am looking at two options that seem unacceptable to me.  First of all, right now, this moment, what she is doing is something I can handle.  Last night’s experience would not be tolerable to me for more that a day or two, if that, certainly not for days and weeks and months and years.

At the same time, the thought of Mary Ann in a Dementia Unit all day and all night is intolerable to me.  At one point yesterday, she asked about my lunches with Jim and John the day before.  She was asleep all day. I had no idea she actually had a conscious awareness of those events (John’s was a coffee).  Then this morning when she seemed to be in hallucination mode, she asked what Jim had to say, referring to the lunch day before yesterday. If she was living completely in a world of hallucinations, it would be one thing.  She is back and forth.

Then, if she were to be in such a unit full time, I would not be able to tolerate leaving her alone for long periods of time.  The thought of spending most of the time, most days, in the Dementia Unit with her, is pretty tough to take.  I have been in Dementia wings, making calls on folks for a few decades, experiencing all that comes with such a place, even at best.

Add to that the loss of much of what we have worked hard over the years to save for our last years and for our kids is a tough pill to swallow.  If using most of those resources would provide a good quality of life for us it would be one thing.  The option it would provide is hardly that.

She ate only a few bites of supper.  She would not allow me to help.  With great difficulty I have now gotten Mary Ann to change for bed and lie down.  She has been completely convinced that she is not at home.  She has tried again and again this evening to get me to take her home.  We have walked around the inside of the house and to the front door.

I am going to check with the online group to see if others have had an increase in Seroquel do the opposite of its intended purpose of reducing hallucinations.  Again this evening, I had to be virtually at her side every minute, constantly trying to connect her with reality, almost completely unable to do so.

I wonder if there will be any sleep tonight.  At the moment I am not very hopeful about that.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

“Let’s do something special today,” Mary Ann said when we were out doing her breakfast and pills.  I asked what she had in mind.  She had no more words available or, I suppose, specific thoughts behind them. 

I agreed that we ought to do something to get out.  Let me jump ahead.  She is now in bed for the night (I hope), and we have gone nowhere and done nothing. 

Why?  Why is it fourteen hours after saying that, and we have not set foot out of the house?  Let me correct that.  I did set foot outside a few times.  When she decided to nap this afternoon, I went out and stood in front of the house as patches of sunlight came through.  In fact, I got a folding chair out and did some reading in a Spirituality Quarterly called Weavings

While she was napping, Don and Edie stopped by for a while with some freshly baked blueberry muffins in hand.  We spent a while talking inside then headed out to the deck for a while, watching a few confused geese head by.  In the course of that conversation, I think we have come up with a possible name for the waterfall and surrounding wetland/raingarden.  Don referred to it as a “bog” at one point — a name that did not strike my fancy.  Then he mentioned a couple of names that included the word “peat.”  It is not a peat bog, but it is Pete’s Bog.  To say that Don and Edie have quirky style of humor would be to understate the truth of the matter dramatically. 

One of the things that allowed the day to drift away is the cluster of tasks associated with getting us both up and going, bathroom needs met, Exelon patch put on, hair washed and dried, Miralax mixed in juice of her choice, yogurt and cereal of choice provided, pills taken, other pills put in the timers, clothes put on, my shower taken, morning household chores done.  Understand, there is no time at which we can both be doing working, one doing one thing and the other doing something else.  All the tasks are done in succession rather than concurrently.  Eating and pill taking are long, drawn out activities.  During pill taking and eating I do have a chance to do a couple of things in the bedroom, clean the commode, make one of the beds, move the lift from the front door entry to the bedroom.  The time I have to do other things depends on how Mary Ann’s spatial problems are impacting her eating and how much help she needs.  Straightening up the kitchen and cleaning off the counters, putting things in the dishwasher and others in recycling is part of my need for having some semblance of order in the household.  My office is a shambles, as is the garage and the storage area downstairs.  I just need some areas clear to provide some sense of control in our chaotic world. 

Reruns of the Closer and Law and Order, tended to draw us into them just enough that if one was nearing the end, I sat down and see if it would come out the same way it did the last eight times we saw that episode.  I concede there is not a shred of rationality in that behavior.  

We were up shortly after 8am, but Mary Ann was hungry by the time we were both ready, and all the chores were done.  I suspect it would appear to someone seeing the morning activities at our house  as if it was all happening in slow motion.  I have usually eaten my bowl of cereal toward the end of all the morning chores, so when she is ready to eat lunch, I am still full from breakfast. 

After getting her some lunch, a movie was on television.  Since it had been going on for a while, it was distracting us from doing anything else.  I went back and forth to the computer attending to emails (eats much time), while watching enough of the movie to be engaged in its strange plot.  It turned out to be a depressing movie — just what we needed as a break from Law and Order episodes. 

In the morning, when Mary Ann first mentioned that we ought to do something special today, I mentioned the idea of heading to Kansas City to visit a close friend in rehab for a broken kneecap.  Marlene has ALS and needs a fully equiped unit to keep mobility as it heals.  Surgery is not an option.  Then I mentioned that we could drop off a couple of items at our kids’ home in the KC area.  After the movie, I mentioned that option again.

It was then that she said she wanted to lie down for a while.  That was around 2pm or 2:30pm.  I tried once, around 3:30pm to get her up, but she wanted to sleep.  It was not until 5:15pm that she was ready to get up.  At that point I did get out of the house for a short time to get a burger and fries from Wendy’s for her.  She wore the Lifeline and promised to stay seated while I went.  By that time she did not want to get out in the car. 

The roller coaster between lucid moments and hallucinations continued today.  At one point I couldn’t remember the name of Kyra Sedgewick’s (Star of Closer) husband.  She remembered his first name, Kevin (Bacon).   On the other hand, when eating the Junior Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendy’s, she stopped eating after in a matter of fact voice she concluded that there were shrimp, three of them, in the burger.  She held up pieces of the bun when I questioned her claim, and she said, “See?”

After the late nap, she stayed up a little later than usual, but is now in bed.  I don’t suppose the chances are very good that she will sleep well tonight, but we will see.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

“How long do you intend to keep caring for Mary Ann at home?” he asked.  “Until I can’t handle it any more.” I answered.  Then the hardest of all, “How will you know when that time has come?”

Since we live in a world of denial that provides us the emotional and psychic room to live each day without constant dread, those questions are not often asked and answered.  First of all, I don’t know the answer.  I have intentions about how I intend for this story to end, but I have no answers to questions about how the future will actually play out.

Two days ago I was asked those questions with which I began this post.  Today I experienced to some degree elements of the answer I gave.  As I have said in earlier posts, my intention is for the two of us to stay together here at the house at least until one of us dies.  My intention is to use as many resources as I can locate and afford to help make that possible.  That intention is not just an intellectual decision about how I intend to proceed.  That intention lives in insides.

With that said, I had to answer the question rationally.  I intend for Mary Ann and me to be together here at the house until I can’t handle it any more.  The question that has to be addressed, the hard question is, how will I know when I can’t handle it any more.  I stumbled around some as I tried to answer that hard question.  The two things that came to mind are hallucinations that get out of hand and grow into a steady stream, and the inability to get any sleep.  The two are related.

Today was an example of those two problems converging.  Last night Mary Ann was up multiple times, as many as a half dozen in an hour.  Almost every one of those times, there were people, or raccoons or other visual images not actually present outside of her mind.  The lack of sleep during the night meant that the hallucinations came in a constant stream this morning when she got up.  She asked if we were the only ones in the house, implying that she thought we were not the only ones.

By the way, yesterday, as she was eating the last piece of strawberry-rhubarb pie with ice cream (pie she had eaten with great enthusiasm for the two days before), she decided that the filling in this last piece of pie had somehow changed into tomato sauce. She ate the ice cream, but left most of the huge piece of pie. I am afraid of the day when I can’t get her to eat enough food because of what her mind is seeing.

Today, she grabbed the bedspread as I was folding it at the foot of the bed preparing for her nap.  She said there was a sheet of stamps or stickers stuck to it.  The bedspread was right in front of our eyes, she had her hand on it, convinced that she was pulling off what was stuck on it.  She told me to turn on the bright lights on the ceiling fan over the bed so that I could see the sheet of stamps.  When the light went on, she reluctantly admitted that they were not there. On the way to the bedroom tonight, she stopped and told me to get rid of “that” and then stepped over something that was not there on the floor in front of her.

This morning, when the hallucinations were at their steadiest, Mary Ann simply could not sit down for more than a minute or some fraction thereof.  She would jump up to go to one spot or another to get a good look at or pick up whatever it was she saw.  I had to jump up every minute or fraction thereof to grab hold of her gait belt so that she did not fall.  Once she was so dyskinetic when she jumped up that it was all I could do to untangle her feet and help her sit back down before she fell into a couple of tables next to her.  The activity was so steady that I could do nothing but follow her from one hallucination to another, or one task she had in her mind to do, pretty much always losing track of whatever it was by the time we got wherever she was leading me.

If hallucinations came at that pace constantly, I would soon be completely unable to cope.  The lack of sleep impacts both of us.  The less she sleeps at night, the more she hallucinates, the stronger and more vivid and more frequent they become.  The less she sleeps, the less I sleep.  The less I sleep, the less able I am to cope with the hallucinations.  They compound one another, lack of sleep and hallucinations, and my capacity to cope.

Here is how my inability to cope expressed itself this morning.  I told Mary Ann that I had been asked about how long I could keep her at home.  I told her that my answer included two things that could make it impossible, lack of sleep and streaming hallucinations like the ones that we were dealing with this morning.  It was cruel to say that to her.  I have no excuse.  My frustrating inability to cope with the constant following her to one thing and then another, after having a very poor excuse for a night’s sleep was the context, but I chose to say those harsh words. She has Parkinson’s Disease Dementia!  She didn’t choose the disease!  She didn’t choose the hallucinations!  She didn’t choose the frustrating behavior!

I guess there was a part of me that hoped the words would get through to the healthy part of her mind that has some ability to control her actions.  What she said next, broke my heart.  “Then what would happen to me?”  Usually, whatever I say just bounces off with no reaction.  This time it broke through.

I need say just how hard it was to actually write for all to see those last paragraphs revealing what I said to her.  I am ashamed and embarrassed.  I can only hope that someone reading this post has been there and said things of which you are not proud also.  I have chosen to face my own flaws head on without pretense, since it is just too hard to pretend to be someone I am not. My hope is that facing the flaws head on, will allow me to grow into someone better able to cope, a better Caregiver.

In answer to Mary Ann’s question about what would happen to her, I immediately told her of my intention for us to stay here together until one of us dies.  I told her I would use paid help here at the house to help do the care when I could not handle it by myself.  I told her that if I die first the kids would take care of her, keeping her close to them.

All I wanted to do was to get her to stop hopping up, responding to the various things she saw. She did stop hopping up, and I was able to get my shower done, make the beds, write an email or two and finish getting her ready for the Public Health Nurse’s visit.  I don’t know if what I said had any impact in that change in behavior, but even if it did, I feel no less guilty about being so harsh.

It is at times like this that I am very grateful to have a God who has openly addressed our flaws and stolen from them the power to ward off the Lord’s love of us.  That is why the song is called “Amazing Grace.”  The power of that gracious love is transformational.  It frees us to face our failures.  At the same time it challenges us to grow and change, cradled in the arms of that love.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

The “fall out” on this leaning day is that Mary Ann fell out her chair at the table.  She was sitting in the chair and had been leaning to one side.  I kept straightening her up.  Then, all of a sudden she was in a heap on the floor beside her chair.  She did not move slowly toward the side on the way down, she was up in the chair and the next moment she was on the floor.

She was not hurt.  It took quite a while to get her up since there is not much room between the table and the wall.  I needed to get her situated on her back so that I could pull her up using my own weight as a counter balance with our feet together as the fulcrum.

There were two Volunteers in the morning, one during the Spiritual Formation Group that meets at our house.  The other was there while I headed out for an appointment.  I don’t know to what degree the leaning was a problem during those times, but from the time I returned shortly after noon until she went to bed, the leaning was prominent.

It was at lunch that she fell.  Mary (who schedules Mary Ann’s Volunteers) came over for a visit this afternoon.  Mary Ann leaned over the side of her chair the entire time.  I helped her sit up straight again numerous times, but she only remained erect for a few minutes at the most each time.  Others in the online group of Spouse Caregivers of those with Lewy Body Dementia often mention the leaning issue.  It is neither unusual or alarming.  It does not happen every day.  This just happened to be a leaning day.

For supper, I switched chairs at the table so that Mary Ann was sitting in a heavy oak chair with arms.  It did not stop her from leaning, but at least she did not fall out the chair on to the floor.

Mary Ann seemed sometimes to be napping when she was leaning, but she was often awake while leaning.  She was tired, and has gone to bed a little early.  She fell asleep pretty quickly.  That does not mean she will stay asleep, but for the moment she seems to be sleeping soundly.

When I got her changed and into bed, I noticed that her feet are a little swollen.  I will watch that carefully.  That is, of course, a sign of fluid retention which could put her at risk of another bout with Congestive Heart Failure [CHF].  The two times she has had to go to the hospital with CHF, she did not have swollen feet.  I asked her if her chest hurt, and she said it did not.  We will certainly not go to the hospital unless the signs are absolutely clear that we need to.  We lose too much ground during hospital stays.

I talked with the Neurologist’s Assistant today about Mary Ann’s Seroquel, the medication that’s purpose it to diminish the hallucinations . It is time to renew the prescription.  We revisited the decision to increase the dosage since the hallucinations have been on the increase.  With the permission of the Neurologist I tried increasing the med early last fall but ended up moving back to the original dosage.  Given present circumstances, it seems wise to try again.  The Neurologist concurs.  As soon as the new prescription comes in, I will titrate her from the 100mg tab to the 100mg plus a 25mg for three days, then move to 150mg, one and one half of the 100mg tabs daily.  That is still not a large dosage compared to others.

Today was a sort of ingathering of food, for which we are always grateful.  Maureen came in the morning laden with food, some for the freezer (soup and bread), some for supper (roast beef, potatoes and gravy, green beans), some blueberry muffins for a morning treat, and cookies to be enjoyed for the next few days.  Margaret came later in the morning with some Jello cups, a couple of cinnamon rolls and a couple of containers of chili along with crackers.  Mary brought with her some cookies from the Copper Oven, some chocolate treats and a large container of Mary Ann’s favorite version of Seafoam Salad.  Why does Mary Ann refuse to gain weight???  I, of course, can barely button my trousers.  I could do that commercial in which buttons fly, breaking household items.

Yesterday, I had a treat.  A member of the congregation from which I retired is celebrating her 101st birthday today.  I got to hand deliver a birthday card from Mary Ann and me to her yesterday.  Bernice (pronounced Burr’ niss – emphasis on the first syllable) is one of the most pleasant, sweetest people I know.  What a joy just to interact for a few moments.  Mary Ann was in the van, so I could not stay and talk.  The last time I visited with her a little more than a year and a half ago, we talked about the early years when she was growing up, all the hard work and happy times.  While I did not make as many of those calls on the homebound as I should have, it was not because I didn’t enjoy them.  In fact, twenty-five years ago, when I was responsible for the Youth and Education programs of a congregation, it was a couple of visits with a homebound member of that congregation who was in her 90’s that convinced me that I needed to move to a setting in which I could include that dimension of ministry regularly.  It is hard to find words to describe the extraordinary faith and gracious demeanor of those two ladies.  In each case when I left the visit, my spirit had been nurtured.

A trip to help Mary Ann use the commode revealed that she is seeing people again tonight.  I hope the hallunations don’ t keep her up.  I am very tired, and hope to get a decent night’s sleep tonight.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

“Would it be okay to bring supper over for you and Mary Ann?”  I was sitting by the phone and answered quickly.  Maybe it was a premonition.  Not really.  That is not part of my understanding of reality.  It was however a very pleasing phone conversation.

Then at about 5pm, the phone rang again: “Just a heads up, we are on our way.”  Shari and Martin are among the most thoughtful and generous people I know.  I would be hard pressed to name all the people between them they have helped out in one way or another.  They help with their time and attention.  They accommodate their busy schedules, they are both professionals working full time, to the schedules of those they help whenever possible.  I have no idea how they do it, but we are greatful at our house that they do it.

It was not just any food.  Shari checked one of the last church cookbooks to find recipes Mary Ann had provided when the book was produced.  That way she was sure Mary Ann and I would like what she and Martin brought.  Mary Ann loved it and ate more voraciously than has been her recent norm.  Catalina Chicken (Mary Ann’s recipe), baked potatoes, corn, a freshly baked loaf of bread, a hot rhubarb pie (Mary Ann’s recipe), and vanilla ice cream to have with the pie.  All of it was piping hot (except for the ice cream) and ready to eat.

That makes twice in three days, since Edie and Daughter Gretchen brought over part of the midday meal they had prepared on Saturday, a very tasty Taco Salad with wonderful and creative toppings.  They stopped by to show Mary Ann some quilts that Edie’s Sister had made.  It was a treat for Mary Ann to look at the fabrics used and the patterns and the stitching and the colors.  Norma likes best piecing the quilt tops.  Mary Ann also enjoyed that the most in the process of making quilts.  I remembered enough of the jargon from those years to recall out loud some of her experiences.  There was the first quilt, a Sampler Quilt, hand quilted over the span of two years.  There were the six baby quilts Mary Ann brought out and put in front of Becky when she was pregnant with our first Grandchild, Chloe (who, by the way, is also Son Micah and Becky’s Daughter — you Grandparents catch my drift).  Mary Ann clearly moved back to those days as she examined and handled the quilts, even if there were few words.  The quilts were strikingly beautiful.  The quilts, lunch and a pot of flowers, Gretchen had put together provided us with a very bright day in spite of the lingering fog outside.

Tamara came over tonight to spend time with Mary Ann.  She had been sick a number of weeks ago and had not been able to visit in a long time.  Mary Ann had a refreshing break from me, and I was able to get done some things in my office that demanded uninterrupted attention.  Not only that, but two more people have taken slots in the next two weeks to allow me to connect with others and give Mary Ann the stimulation of communicating with people outside of our little, confined world.

Mary Ann has been doing reasonably well in the past couple of days.  Saturday night was not the best for sleep, and tonight she just said the raccoons have returned.  I told her that there has been not trace of them in many weeks outside.  The snow would have immediately revealed evidence of their presence.  She was not convinced.  On the contrary, she simply said, “Well, two raccoons have returned!”  That does not bode well for tonight’s hope for very many hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Well, I had best get to bed.  Tomorrow will be an early day, since the Bath Aide was off for Martin Luther King Day.  I will need to get Mary Ann’s hair washed in the morning before her Tuesday morning group at church.  She was not up to going last week.  I hope she goes tomorrow.  She really enjoys that group of good friends.  They have a love and concern for her that warms my heart.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

Is it a dream?  Is it real?  Are there one of them or two?  Do you see that?  Where did it go?  Who are those people?

I can’t begin to imagine how difficult it must be to sort out all the messages that Mary Ann’s visual cortex is sending to her awareness of what is around her. It would be one thing if all the messages were confused.  That would be horrible to experience.  The insidious nature of Lewy Body Dementia is that there is not just one consistent pattern of processing reality.  Someone with LBD or in Mary Ann’s Case PDD [Parkinson’s Disease Dementia – a Dementia with Lewy Bodies] can be absolutely clear and lucid and sharp mentally one minute or hour or day and virtually unable to comprehend where she is or what is being said to her the next minute — no exaggeration, the next minute.

The online group of caregiving Spouses of those with Lewy Body Dementia often contains posts from someone who is constantly searching the landscape for studies on LBD and related matters.  Coincidentally, the day after the appointment with the Ophthalmologist about Mary Ann’s eye problems, there was a post containing the notes from a presentation by Swaraj Bose, MD, a neuro-ophthalmologist at the Gavin Herbert Eye Institute, UCI.  Here is the purpose of his talk according to the Support Group Leader, Vera James: “His main reason for speaking with us was to give us a fair idea of the eye problems and why do the eyes behave in the way they do in Parkinson’s/PSP/Atypical Parkinson’s and what the caregiver can do.”

You can imagine how pleased I was to see that timely post. What happens is that the Lewy bodies, sort of like the lesions that build up from cholesterol, build up on neurons.  With LBD and PDD, they often attach themselves to the cells in the Visual Cortex. That is one of the ways LBD and PDD are different from Alzheimer’s Dementia [AD]

The notes from the meeting included this comment: “Visual perception is defective in probable DLB. The defective visual perception plays a role in development of visual hallucinations, delusional misidentifications, visual agnosias, and visuoconstructive disability charcteristic of DLB.”

Here are part of the notes:

Common eye complaints:
#1 – Related to disturbance of down-gaze PSP.
– Difficulty in coordinating eye movements while reading even if their vision is normal, especially through their bifocal glasses.
– Difficulty in eating because they cannot look down at their food on the plate.
– Difficulty in going downstairs and stepping off curbs.

#2 – Related to lack of convergence/ fast and slow tracking- Parkinson/PSP/ Atypical PD. (Note:  Convergence means to bring the eyes together)
– Difficulty in focusing, words run into each other.
– Hard to shift down to the beginning of the next line automatically after reaching the end of the first line.
– Inability to quickly move eyes up or down.
– Inability to track moving objects or maintain eye contact.
– Double vision. One eye sees one thing, the other eye sees another and the brain brings them together. Kind of the way 3D glasses do. When you have double vision, the brain isn’t bringing the eyes together to get the one vision.

#3 – Related to vision disturbances- Parkinson/ PSP/Atypical PD.
– Difficulty in focusing/blurry vision/visual hallucinations. Visual hallucinations can be in all of these illness. Some visual hallucinations can be from to much medication, but it can also be from a lack of dopamine in the cortex where the signal is fallen and gives false images and causes these visual hallucinations also. So not all visual hallucinations are psychotic. Other things that can also cause visual hallucinations are benadryl and OTC cold meds. They can also cause spasm.
– Changes of reading glasses at a quicker intervals.
– Decreased in contrast sensitivity (difficulty in distinguishing shades of gray) and color perception.

#4 – Eyelid abnormality
– Difficulty in voluntarily opening their eyes (apraxia)
– Forceful eyelid closing (blepharospasm) .  This is treated with botox.
– Decrease in the rate of blinking (3-4/min vs. 20/min)

#5 – Dry eyes
– Burning sensation, redness, watering, itching, excessive tearing, rubbing of eyes, blurry vision.
– Double vision with one eye.  Usually results in ‘ghosting’ of images or shadowing of images.

Those notes are almost an exact list of Mary Ann’s visual problems. The eyelid issues have been pronounced for a long time.  Often she just has not been able to get them to open.  We have learned how to walk together with her eyes shut with me holding her tight at my side.  Sometimes we stumble around a bit, but we get the job done.

She has commented more than once that she is seeing two of something.  She has asked often to go to the Optometrist to get new glasses.  The burning, redness, dry eyes, excessive watering, rubbing her eyes all happen often.  She has struggled with reading for a very long time.  I can only guess that a number of the problems listed above combine to make reading almost impossible for her.

I have talked often about the hallucinations she endures. In our online group there has been a thread of posts about our Loved Ones losing the ability to discern the boundary between dreams and reality.  Sometimes Mary Ann confuses with reality what she is hearing on the television as she lies in bed at night.  I would turn the television off, but she insists on having it on when she goes to bed.

One problem, described as “down gaze” seems to fit her problem with seeing the food when eating.  One suggestion mentioned in the notes is raising the food to eye level.  Last night I got out an old lap tray and a styrofoam cooler lid to make a platform at the table on which to put Mary Ann’s plate.  It looks obnoxious, but for today’s three meals, it actually seemed to help.  I am not sure how long Mary Ann will tolerate using it.  I will look around for something more aesthetically pleasing to use regularly.  I would love to find something portable enough to use when we are out, although she will probably not allow such a public display.

I plan to ask the Parkinson’s Clinic folks at KU Med Center if they have a Neurological Ophthalmologist on their staff.  One suggestion in the notes was that such a specialist be consulted.  Most of the rest of the suggestions in the notes are things that we already have been doing.

I am glad we ended up getting the appointment with the Ophthalmologist here.  It has helped us understand better what it is we are dealing with.  Again, I am learning more than I ever wanted to know.  I am sure that M.D. degree must be in the mail by now.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

“My supper is gone!”  Since she had not been eating for a while, I asked her if she was done.  Almost all the leftover Quiche from lunch was still there.  The fruit had not been touched.  She said her food was gone.  I turned the plate, pointed to the Quiche sitting there and asked if she saw it.  She said she did.

We had ended up at McFarland’s Restaurant for lunch because of the awkward fit of the retired pastor in the life of the parish from which he retired.  We attended the funeral of one of the people I respected most over the years.  Ann was 93.  Just imagine what she had seen in those 93 years.  In our tradition we do not canonize saints.  If we did, Ann would be one!  She and husband Maury, who died about ten years ago, had helped found the congregation in the late nineteen forties.  I remember a few visits with both of them at their home after I first arrived in the parish in 1996.  Ann was doing with Maury what I am now doing with Mary Ann.  She was doing it with much more grace and humble acceptance than I have demonstrated.  While wishing to spend time talking with the family and close friends, I was not comfortable inviting myself and Mary Ann to the meal provided for them.  With a little more of that gut grieving going on, we headed to McFarland’s for lunch.  I keep wondering how much of this sort of grieving the Pastor I followed suffered in silence without my ever knowing it.  Thinking about that helps me put into perspective what is just part of this step in the journey.  It also surfaces some guilt that I was not more sensitive to his place in life at that time.

The most exciting event that wound some joy and anticipation into that same gut was the gift of the most effective anti-depressant of which I am aware, Lori’s home made chocolate chip cookies — a huge container of dozens of them.  Lori’s thoughtfulness will provide some pleasure for days to come — actually longer if I get some into the freezer before we devour them all.

At McFarland’s Mary Ann worked on the Quiche she had ordered for a full hour after the food arrived at the table.  I offered to help in one way or another at various times, trying not to make her feel as if I was rushing her.  She would not accept any help.  She struggled to get pieces on the fork that were secure enough not to fall off on the way to her mouth.  Toward the end of the meal she did allow me to cut a large piece of watermelon that accompanied the Quiche into smaller pieces.

After that hour, she had eaten about 30% (at the most) of the Quiche and one small piece of the melon, none of the rest of the fruit on the plate.  Of course people had come and gone all around us.  The folks who sometimes come, eat, and play bridge were starting to play at the table next to us.

I left the tip, got Mary Ann into the wheel chair, gathered the take home container and her purse together so that we could pay the bill and head to the car.  When I put the check and the twenty dollar bill on the  counter in front of Walt McFarland, the Owner, he just wished us a Happy New Year and did not pick up the twenty.  He said it was on him.  It is surprising how powerful kind gestures can be when a person is stressed and struggling.  He carried our containers out to the car and opened the doors for us on the way there.  Mary Ann just can’t negotiate styrofoam containers without crushing them or losing them off her lap (understandably) as the chair moves.  As a result, I have the challenge of holding the styrofoam containers (leftover meal and left over Coke in a takeout cup), pushing and steering the wheel chair, getting the doors open and holding them open so that we can get out.  Walt is a good guy!

Mary Ann started trying to get up this morning at 4am.  Between then and about 8:30am there were the usual snacks, little plastic containers of applesauce and tapioca pudding, some commode trips, some arguing about my need for her to stay in bed so that I could accumulate enough sleep between tasks to function during the day.  When we got up, she was determined to make sure we got ready in time to attend the funeral.  She was alert about many things at that point, except that there were things she could not do by herself.  After getting her usual yogurt and cereal to eat with her pills, I wanted her to sit securely in her chair while I showered and dressed. She could not sit.  She was too determined to get ready to go.  She said I could take my shower while she got dressed.  She hasn’t been able to get dressed by herself in a number of years.  I got her completely ready to go, and finally she was willing to stay seated long enough for me to get ready.  We had plenty of time.  We were ready almost an hour before we needed to leave.  By the time we left, she had sort of shut down mentally and physically.  We were able to get to the funeral, but not without much difficulty.

When we got home after the meal, she was not tracking well.  I asked her if she needed to use the bathroom; she said yes.  I was trying to tranfer her from the chair to the toilet stool, and as she was standing up, she began reaching forward and down. I asked her what she was doing.  With a very irritated tone that I could not see what was so obvious to her, she said she was washing her hands.  I don’t remember what I said, but I managed to get her seated and afterward get her to the bed for a long nap.  Just before she awoke, I had opened and shut the front door, leading her to decide that she had missed Zach and Erin coming by with there new baby.  She had been dreaming and, as she admitted at that point, she can’t tell the difference between dreams and reality.  Later this evening she told me that she had just seen me smoking a cigarette.  Other than a few days in college almost fifty years ago, I have never smoked cigarettes.

This has been and continues to be and interesting time in our journey.  There seems to be some transitioning going on for both Mary Ann and me.  I am not sure to where we are transitioning, but I guess we will figure that out as time goes by.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

It was the top line, one letter only, an E.  It was huge.  With her right eye, Mary Ann could not read it.  The Nurse had gone through all the sizes of letters available until finally she had the screen full from top to bottom with that one letter.   She could not read it. 

While Mary Ann seemed unfazed, I was taken aback by the impression that Mary Ann was essentially blind in one eye.  She had been to the Optometrist within the last year and a half.  She had gotten new glasses.  It was hard to imagine what could have caused such a dramatic change so quickly.  Neither she nor I had noticed her losing sight in that eye.  It just did not compute.

The Doctor came in to get more information and do a check of her eyes before the dilating procedure that would follow.  When the Doctor checked her right eye, she was able to read with difficulty letters on the screen that were large, but a size that allowed four somewhat smaller letters to show on the screen instead of only one huge letter.

After the glaucoma check and the dilating procedure had taken effect the doctor returned.  I asked her what might have caused the swelling that appeared yesterday and had disappeared by today.  She said it might have been a  chalazion, a blocked oil gland.  She observed that sometimes they will go away after a time and sometimes they have to be surgically removed. 

Then I asked her about the large quantity of thick, dark mucous that would sometimes gather on the edges of her right eyelid.  She mentioned the possibility that it might just be a flareup of blepharitis, an inflamation of the hair follicles of the eyelashes.   She prescribed a topical antibiotic if that should flair up again.  I will admit, having experienced blepharitis before, I am not convinced by that explanation, but we will use the antibiotic should it happen again to see if it helps.       

Neither the chalazion or the blepharitis are anything of major concern.  Then the Doctor checked the retina in each eye very thoroughly.   Her observations were good news in that Mary Ann’s retinas appear to be in very good condition.  The margins (?retina or eyelids) are in excellent shape, clear and clean.  She has cataracts, but ones that are a long way from needing surgery. 

The bad news is that the vision problems seem pretty clearly to be neurological.  The images from her eyes mechanically are being transmitted appropriately, all the parts working well.  The problem is in the processing of that information by her brain.  The Doctor did not say it, but it seems reasonable to conclude that there is no treatment for that problem. 

While I forgot to mention the stroke Mary Ann had about three years ago, it seems reasonable to consider that a factor in this problem.  The cluster stroke effected her right side.  The problem is with her right eye.  Ever since her stroke she has had problems using utensils to eat.  I mentioned in earlier posts the time she couldn’t see the meatloaf on her plate but could see the baked potato, the time she got up to get her Pepsi when it was right at the top of her plate inches from the food she had been eating. 

When I asked Mary Ann how she felt about the appointment, she asked if she needed new glasses.  I don’t know how much of what was said settled into her awareness.   We will make our routine appointment with the Optometrist since we are due anyway.  Mary Ann very often says she needs new glasses.  She seems to be convinced that any problems seeing are the fault of the glasses.  Since the iris of the eye is run by the neurotransimitter (Acetyl-choline) used by the Autonomic Nervous System (ANS), her compromised ANS (and the medications that treat it) has been affecting her vision for many years.  More of what the Parkinson’s and the Lewy Body Dementia have brought along with them when they joined us on our journey through life.  

As always, Mary Ann is just taking it all in stride.  It seems to be something of a blessing that some of the things she is dealing with have just not fully entered her awareness.  That may be by choice, or it may be a function of the Parkinson’s Disease and the Parkinson’s Disease Dementia.  It may all be sinking it, may simply be choosing not to talk about it.  It may be a defense mechanism to keep from dwelling on the problems.  It may be any combination of all of them.

Whatever is so, there seems to be nothing resulting from the appointment with the Eye Doctor that changes our current version of normal.  That is about the best we could have hoped for. 

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

Have aliens come and stolen my Mary Ann, replacing her with with a look alike imposter???  She ate the whole thing!  Mary Ann ate the chicken salad that I made from scratch with my own culinary-challenged hands. 

On three or four different occasions in the last few days, I put a couple of spoonfuls of that home-made chicken salad on her plate.  It is shredded chicken (from the freezer, prepared by our Daughter Lisa when she was here), grapes, pecans, celery, Miracle Whip, some fresh dill and a little onion powder mixed together.   She ate every bit of it every time I put it on her plate.  Potato chips and Pepsi rounded out the meal each time. 

If that is not enough, when I listed the options for supper tonight, she chose the beef, potatoes and carrots I had cooked in the crock pot the other day — and she ate it!!!  Now do you understand why I have posited the alien imposter theory?

On another matter, last night I asked three questions of the people in the online Caregiver Spouses of those with Lewy Body Dementia: 

The first question was about Mary Ann’s hair.  It seemed as if there was more hair than usual coming out on the brush when washing and combing her hair recently.  I asked if others’ Loved Ones had experienced hair loss.  Some Loved Ones have lost their hair, with no explanation from their doctors.  Group members mentioned the dry air at this time of the year, stress, too much washing, thyroid problems, and Discoid Lupus Erythematosus (DLE).  Since the problem seems to have subsided, I suspect it was just a natural occurance with no long term implications.  Needless to say, I will pursue it if there is more evidence warranting it.   Mary Ann’s hair is thick and dark with some gray mixed in.  She routinely gets compliments on how nice it looks. 

The second question had to do with disinfecting items in need of washing.  At the risk of being indelicate (I have been painfully explicit many times before), when there is need for cleaning matter (euphemism) off clothing before putting it in with other wash, I use Clorox in the water in a downstair sink we had put in for such things.  The last time I used the Clorox to disinfect some clothing, it was new red plaid pajama bottoms from LLBean.  I moved very quickly in the task of putting the pj bottoms in the water, swishing them around to get all the matter off, then rinsing and squeezing a number of times to get the Clorox water out of them.  Needless to say, they magically turned from red plaid to pink plaid pajama bottoms.  The suggestions from the group included OxiClean and Vinegar.  After some checking, it appears that OxiClean may and Vinegar certainly does disinfect pretty well.  I will probably substitute a 5% vinegar solution for the Clorox water when this need arises again. 

The third question had to do with disposable underwear.  The latest marketing tool is to replace unisex disposables with disposables specifically for men and for women.  The problem is that the women’s are made to be more comfortable for daytime use by enlarging the leg holes.  The net result is that  while they may be fine when up and walking, they leak badly if there happens to be a daytime nap.  Daytime naps are routine for many who need disposables.  I asked the group for suggestions of disposables that work for them.  I have had no responses to that one yet.  I suspect one reason is that the vast majority of those in the online group are women caring for their husbands.  The needs in this area are gender specific. 

One other note concerns a member of the congregation that I served before retiring.  He has had Parkinson’s longer than Mary Ann, over thirty years.  He fell and ended up in the hospital.  He has a strep infection that is interfereing with the healing of the arm on which the skin was broken when he fell.  In Emailing back and forth with his Daughter, I noted that people in her Dad’s and Mary Ann’s circumstances live in a narrow margin of functionality.  This fall and infection are taking Norm to the Rehab Unit of a local nursing home for a while.  He has been declining for the past few weeks.  Apparently, the treatment for the infection is helping him regain much of what he has lost in the last six months.   

In a sense, we are living on the edge.  In reality, all of us are living on the edge.  Anything can happen at any time.  Those who are in circumstances like Norm’s and Mary Ann’s are just more aware of it.  We can choose to live in terror of what might happen, or we can just choose to live. 

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

The following post was written on Thursday, January 7, 2009, but not published until Friday, January 8, due to Internet problems:

The best laid plans sometimes go astray. Feeling out of sorts yesterday, I went to bed early in hopes of a good night’s sleep providing an ointment to salve my sore spirit. Demon Lewy Body Dementia (doesn’t the word dementia derive from the word demon) had other plans.

Mary Ann simply could not sleep – for the entire night. I was involved with her needs in some way, two to three times an hour. There were the commode trips. There were two snacks, some drinks of water. There were lots of times sitting on the side of the bed, needing to be situated again when lying back down. She usually can’t handle the covers without help.

There was a long interaction in the middle of the night when she wanted to go out into the Living Room to sit and try to read. The problems with that idea are many. First, when she is up, she still needs help often with the same needs she has during the day. Then, the prospect of sitting up at night for a long period of time, then sleeping during the day risks shifting nights and days, making our system almost impossible for both of us. Those of you who have raised little ones have probably experienced the time when the tiny ones seemed to switch nights and days, making your lives pretty tough for a while.

After wanting to get out of bed multiple times throughout the night, when it got to be seven in the morning, she needed to get up. As usual after a bad night, she took her meds, had breakfast, and in an hour or so ended up back in bed sleeping soundly. I am of course wide awake and writing this. It is my understanding that trying to compensate for lack of sleep at night by napping during the day does not actually help, in fact just makes the sleep deprivation problem worse. It is harder to get to sleep then at night. That and my general inability to nap during the day results in my staying up rather than napping while she is napping. The general wisdom is to go to bed at the same time and get up at the same time each day. The general wisdom does not take into account multiple times up during the night in between those two times.

Of course, the lack of sleep is increasing the problem with hallucinations. There were the people in the house again last night. This morning there were a variety of things she saw outside the windows, and in the house things that needed to be picked up, tiny chains in her hands. There was one of those interactions in which she was talking as if it was just an ordinary matter while saying things that made no sense at all. About half way through lunch, she started to get up. I asked what she was going to do. She said she was going to get her Pepsi. The cup of Pepsi was sitting at the top of her plate with the can in back of it, just as it is for every lunch.

On the other hand, she asked if this is the day Stacey would be back to talk about the blinds and painting the interior of the house. She remembered that correctly. Then she suggested that we paint the interior a light blue, just a touch of blue. Because so often the lucid moments come, I try to work hard at tracking when her words are not computing for me. Sometimes a different word will come in place of the one intended. Yesterday when she suggested we adopt the cat she was seeing with her “magic eyes” (her words for the hallucinations when she accepts that they are hallucinations), she said maybe that cat could be “adapted.”  It took a moment for me to catch what she meant.

In spite of the difficult night, at the moment, I am feeling better today than yesterday. Maybe it is that adrenalin is playing a bigger role in sustaining alertness today. I just took a break from writing while Mary Ann is napping to do a bit of shoveling outside so that I can get to the birdseed. I have fed and watered the birds. It is invigorating outside since the wind chill is between twenty and thirty degrees below zero and the new three or four inches of snow is blowing around. The air temperature is predicted to reach a high of five degrees above zero and a low of eight below tonight, follow by a low of twelve below tomorrow night. Needless to say, we will not be going out with Mary Ann in the wheelchair today or tomorrow. The most we could do is head out in the van and have Mary Ann stay in the running van while I run into the store. There are a number of things on the list, but none that we can’t survive without.

The toughest thing today so far is that the telephone land line is out, eliminating out DSL access to the Internet. I certainly do feel disconnected to the outside world. I forgot just how much time I spend connecting with others through email and the Worldwide Web. For being pretty much technologically illiterate, I sure depend on the technology a lot.

Right now, my interaction with the outside world, is enjoying watching the dozens of birds that are enjoying the fare I have provided for them. We did end up going out in this weather. I discovered that we needed to return some videos. We went to the grocery and I ran in to get the items. She decided that she wanted take out Chinese from the grocery in spite of the fact that I had a roast, potatoes, onions and carrots cooking in the crock pot. It frustrates me that Mary Ann so often will not eat what I cook, even when it is something she used to eat and enjoy. I decided it was not worth arguing with her, since my goal is that she have plenty of nourishment. She ate the Chinese and I had the roast and veggies.

The above was written yesterday on a Word Processor since the Internet was not available.  The really bad night was the night before last.  Last night I went to bed even earlier.   Until about 12:30am, Mary Ann was disturbed by vivid hallucinations.  There were the people again.  The little girl was there.  She was confused about the time.  At one point while lying in bed she said our Daughter, Lisa, was on the phone.  She had no phone. 

After she finally went to sleep, she slept the night.  I got up at 7:30am to get ready for the phone line repair person who was due between 8am and 12pm, but came at about 1:30pm.  Mary Ann slept in until after 9am.  After the commode trip, she went right back to bed.  She was barely awake for the commode trip.  She slept until almost noon.  I think it helped some since so far today the hallucinations have not been as many and as vivid. 

The cold continues, so we stayed put today.  It will be even colder tomorrow so I suspect we will do the same. 

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.