I am not sure I should be writing a post at the moment. Maybe later in the day will be better. At the moment she is napping, and I am able to be at the computer to write. Last night’s post was almost euphoric after the great trip in the country. I mentioned before closing that Mary Ann was restless. She was up every few minutes until about 4am. Then she insisted on getting up at 8:30am after three or four times up to use the commode between the 4am and 8:30am.
The needs began immediately. As always, after a sleepless night the hallucinations have been almost constant, resulting it lots of time spent trying to pick up and throw away threads. At one point as she was sitting at the table preparing to take meds and eat, she asked what the pink mesh was about. She was convinced that she had it in her hands.
When she has had such a night and gets up early and stays up, there is oddly a great deal of lucidity intertwined with the hallucinations. She is sometimes almost adversarial. The restlessness has continued throughout the day up to the nap. She has been popping up without warning almost constantly. If I am out of sight for a moment, it is almost a certainty that she will get up. That means even walking out of the room to get something for her won’t work.
I have asked in every way I know that she let me carry cups and glasses of liquid, since balance and fainting are issues. Gratefully, it was water and not Pepsi in the cup when she went down, and, gratefully, she was not hurt. Then there is the button by the toilet stool. As always I asked that she push it before getting up to avoid falling in the bathroom. I asked very slowly and carefully waiting to hear her agree to do so, out loud — which she did. By the time I came back to check, she was half way across the bathroom with her slacks gathered around her ankles.
Last night and today provided a picture of how our lives are now being lived. Mary Ann’s wants and needs at any given moment in the twenty-four hours of each day determine what I do and when I do it, no matter what my needs are or how I feel. I have chosen this role, so whining about it is pretty futile.
What increases the level of frustration on a day like today is that there is no one with whom to be angry, no one to blame. While I am not always shy about letting my feelings be clear, most of the time I do what needs to be done without complaint, and even try to be nurturing when I do it. It is not Mary Ann’s fault that we are in this situation. I am not a saint, but it is not my fault either. Problems like this are not God’s idea of a good time. God gets blamed for all sorts of things that were not part of the original plan, while often getting no credit for the wonder of life. God doesn’t play games with folks. Circumstances like ours happen to good people and bad people and people like us who have both good stuff and bad stuff in us.
I am grateful for yesterday, for a good day, some pleasure for both of us. I am frustrated today, and struggling to keep it all in perspective. Writing this post helps give some definition to the day that allows it to begin simply to be a challenging day, not a symbol of our entire life. There is always tomorrow.
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The Caregiver Calling 