It finally happened this morning.  I went to the kitchen just for a moment.  Then came the usual thump.  She was down.  The last time she fell, we had to go back to the Dermatologist to re-sew a two inch row of stitches, actually two rows, one deep in the wound and one pulling the surface of the skin together.  She had fallen directly on the wound and had broken the stitches.  The Plavix thinned blood ran freely.

It was just the other day that it dawned on me that we were then almost three weeks out from that drama, and there had not yet been another fall.  To appreciate the significance of that record, you need to know that Mary Ann has fallen multiple times a day, up to a dozen, in the recent past.  Up to that last disastrous fall, the pattern had been that falls came daily, sometimes two or three times.  On occasion there would be a day or two without a fall, but that was rare.

Mary Ann falls for a variety of reasons.  One of them is a symptom of Parkinson’s.  In fact it was one of the central symptoms that took her to the doctor when we first suspected that there was something wrong late in 1986.  She had pain and tight muscles in her left shoulder.  She had pain and stiffness in her left hand.  She would on occasion lose her balance and roll to the ground.  Maybe five years before that, we went on a couple of three day long church ski trips with other famiilies.  Mary Ann struggled especially with getting off the lift.  She always fell and had very much trouble getting up.  Finally, she just chose to stay in the lodge while we skiied.  Little did we know that a few years later the diagnosis of Parkinson’s would come.

That particular symptom of Parkinson’s cannot be corrected with a pill.  Physical therapy can help, but other than that there is no medicine that restores the balance.

A central symptom of the particular expression of Parkinson’s with which Mary Ann has been diagnosed is called bradykinesia.  Wikipedia has a good definition of bradykinesia: “Slowed ability to start and continue movements, and impaired ability to adjust the body’s position.”  When Mary Ann tries to start moving, the top part of her body may move forward while her feet refuse to move. Of course, when that happens, she falls unless there is an arm or a walker supporting her.

She seldom tries to use a walker any more.  She doesn’t have the physical strength to move it ahead of her.  When she did use it, she would often lean forward, body moving and feet cemented to the floor, leaving her in a very precarious position, hanging on to the walker for dear life.

With bradykinesia, a soft carpet may as well be wet cement.  Her feet just won’t move.  We have replaced all the carpet in the house with a short-knapped berber that is firm enough that she can move her feet (and we can roll the transfer chair), but soft enough to cushion her falls.  Most falls still leave a rug burn or a bruise or both.

When Mary Ann gets out of her transfer chair and tries to turn to walk around it, falls often happen.  When she tries to pick up something from the floor (now it may be something that is not actually there) she is, of course, vulnerable to falling over.

Since her stroke and the addition of the Parkinson’s Disease Dementia, a Lewy Body Dementia, Mary Ann has had some spatial perception problems.  Getting the utensil where she intends it to be when eating is a problem now.  When she is walking, sometimes she just does not perceive accurately where things are so that she can move her feet around them rather than trip over them.

In the last few years the Orthostatic Hypotension has been added to the mix.  That is a term that refers to the body’s inability to constrict the blood vessels fast enough to raise a person’s blood pressure to counteract gravity when standing up.  An adequate supply of blood is not pumped to the brain.  The result is called syncope, a fancy word for fainting.  It is not hard to figure out what happens next.  When people faint, they fall.

The time not so long ago when Mary Ann was falling up to a dozen times a day, it was the fainting that caused the increase.  She now takes medicine (Midodrine) to raise her blood pressure.  The medicine has helped some, but it has not eliminated the problem.  In fact the high blood pressure is taking a toll on her heart and her kidneys. There are often trade-offs that need to be made to maintain a reasonable quality of life.

Maybe now you can understand just why it was such a monumental accomplishment to make it twenty-two days without falling.  I am not completely certain why we managed to avoid falling for so long, but there are some things that seem to have potential for helping reduce the falls.

One thing is that Mary Ann’s last fall was pretty traumatic.  She has fallen hundreds of times and rarely done much damage to herself.  This time there was damage.  The return trip to the Dermatologist to be sewn up again was no picnic.  Mary Ann’s automatic pilot may have been reset to reduce her inclination to put herself at risk for falling.

Another thing has been my increased commitment to getting to her before she has a chance to fall.  I now spend less time in another room unable to see her.  I move more quickly when I suspect she might be on the move.

Since that last major fall, I have obtained the audio-visual monitor that allows me to see as well as hear her when she is lying in bed or sitting in her chair and I am at the computer.  I am now able to anticipate her getting up and heading out.  I can see her shifting or leaning forward, about to get up.  I am able to be there and help her before she falls rather than waiting for the thump and running to pick her up.

One recent change that may be having some sort of subtle impact on her stability is the new medication she is taking, the Exelon Patch.  It is intended to help with memory and alertness. To my knowledge it is not supposed to have any impact on the motor symptoms.  While I can’t put my finger on any identifiable dramatic change since she has been using it, she does seem to be doing better in most areas of functionality.  Since we live on a roller coaster of symptoms that come and go, sometimes very quickly, most of the time there is no clear reason for declines or improvements in Mary Ann’s ability to function well. There is no telling for sure how much, if any, impact the patch is having.

In the matter of this morning’s fall, Mary Ann, as is usually the case, did not hurt herself.  I still contend she could lead workshops on how to fall without hurting yourself.  I was upset that it happened, but no one can prevent the falls completely. As a full time Caregiver, I have to accept that. Most of all, I am still celebrating twenty-two days without a fall. Of course any decent celebration requires ice cream.  Two Pecan Cluster Blizzards from Dairy Queen beats a champagne toast any day.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

I’ll bet you wish you had seen hundreds of Wilson’s Phalaropes swimming in little circles at a dizzying rate of speed, a White-faced Ibis, lots of Black-necked Stilts, a bunch of cute little Semipalmated (not fully, but only semi-palmated) Plovers, very many American Avocets and Hudsonian Godwits, not to mention the White-rumped Sandpipers and the Scissortail Flycatcher — all this along with forty-eight more varieties of birds.

I got a day off yesterday, and so did Mary Ann!  We both had a great time.  I spent the day birding with an experienced birder, a new friend that I now call Bob, and Mary Ann spent most of the day with our Son, Micah.

Arranging a day off is no small task for a full time Caregiver.  Those routines that provide the structure to the day and provide assurance that everything that needs to be done gets done, are not easily explained to someone who does not do them on a daily basis.  To write down instructions for all the routines and appropriate responses to the variety of situations that might arise would be almost impossible.  It would read like the instruction manual for a computer program.

To have a day off, I needed to have enough confidence in Mary Ann’s safety and security that I could let go of any concern, relax and enjoy the day’s activities.  There are pills to be taken, a medicine patch to be replaced, a wound to be dressed, bathroom needs to be dealt with, food to be provided, a commode to be cleaned out, maybe a shower and/or hair washed.  There are endless possibilities for problems to arise, from falls to heart pain to fainting spells.

I was able to relax completely.  Here is why:  For the last years of my ministry, we had an agency provide a paid person to do Companion Care with Mary Ann for three hours from 6:45am to 9:45am on Sunday mornings.  That was a time that it was not appropriate to ask a Volunteer to serve.  We have used two agencies mainly.  One is called Comfort Keepers and the other Home Instead.  Both are very good.  The one we have used most recently is Home Instead.  For the last couple of years of ministry, Debbie came each Sunday morning.  She became very familiar with the morning routine, including shower and hair washing, dressing, taking meds, providing breakfast, cleaning the commode and dealing with the fainting spells should they happen.  Debbie was available yesterday for the early morning shift. The cost is about $16 per hour.  It is worth the sixty dollars that it will cost to have her there, to have a day off for both of us. (Home Instead: http://www.homeinstead.com/; Comfort Keepers: http://www.comfortkeepes.com/)

For the evening three hours, Margaret was willing to come.  She is a very good friend to Mary Ann, as well as the Parish Nurse for our Congregation.  She has all the skill and experience anyone could ask for.  She has taught nursing for decades and, while retired, still keeps active, serving on call as a home health nurse for a local hospital along with serving full time as Parish Nurse — volunteering her time in that role.

During part of the afternoon, until a virus laid her low, Edie was going to spend a few hours.  She is also a good friend to Mary Ann and has dealt with everything right up to calling the ambulance to take her to the hospital when it was needed.

The best part of all was that our Son, Micah, was able to come from 9:30am to 6:30pm to be with his Mom.  Our Daughter-in-Law, Becky, and Granddaughter, Chloe, were on a Girl Scout campout this weekend.  That freed the time for Micah to come.  For a Mom to have her adult Son to herself for a full day is a treat beyond description.  Micah always brings out the best in Mary Ann.  She was alert and able to communicate.  They talked on the phone with our Daughter, Lisa.  They played some Scrabble.  Needless to say, the game only went a two or three rounds, but Mary Ann managed to come up with some of the words on her own.  She used to be merciless in playing Scrabble with the Volunteers.  They knew they were in the presence of greatness.  Micah took her outside for a trek to the nearby park, looking at flowers and enjoying the weather as he wheeled her along.  They ate some leftovers and then later headed out to get a milkshake from Sonic.  Micah and ice cream too!  Can’t beat it!

One of the special benefits of the day were the bits and pieces of conversation that Micah had with his Mom.  He got to have her at her best some of the time.  He experienced some of her hallucinations.  There were some times when she was not tracking, but much of the time she was.  While their conversations were between the two of them, one interaction that Micah shared was very revealing.  She wondered if it was not so that once a person needed to be fed, they would have to go to a nursing home.  He assured her that as long as there was someone at home willing to help, that was not so.  She has in recent days begin allowing me to help her with food, even in public.  That need must have been a great concern to her, carrying with it in her mind powerful implications.

As I processed the day, one thing popped into my mind when thinking about how good the day was for the two of them.  Mary Ann and I have enjoyed hopelessly spoiling our Granddaughter Chloe when she is with us before returning her to Micah and Becky to deal with the aftermath.  Turnabout is fair play, as they say.  After a day of Micah’s full attention, entertaining her and enjoying her every minute of the time he was there, I have to deal with the aftermath!

If there will be a Caregiver’s day off (as well as a CareReceiver’s day off), there are all sorts of things that need to be done over a period of time to allow it to happen.

For one thing, we had developed a relationship with an agency, using it on a regular basis, if only for a short time each week.  That way the option was available and familiar.  We  had already developed the booklet with all the pertinent information if any problem should arise.  (See this blog’s March 29th, 2009, post titled “Caregivers’, Carereceivers’, Volunteers’ Safety Issues” for more information on the booklet.)

We had allowed some good people to spend time with Mary Ann over the past eight or nine years, providing a cadre of people to call on, people comfortable with her, experienced in dealing with a variety of contingencies.

We planned the day far enough in advance to allow for the scheduling needed so that it could actually happen.

It was helpful to make a commitment to the day and to make the commitment to another person so that the motivation to follow through would be there.  It surprised me that I was ambivalent about going as the day approached.  I realized that as I have settled into the role of full time Caregiver, the role has come to provide a certain comfort and security.  I was apprehensive about being away for the day.  I have come to find meaning in what I do here to the extent, that it was a little uncomfortable to think of being away from that fulfilling task.

The day off was good for both Mary Ann and me.  We had a chance to be ourselves, each separate from the other.  It was reassuring that we both had a very good day. That the day went well encourages us to do it again some time in the future.  It took lots of planning, but it was worth the effort.

Caregivers, take a day off! It will do both of you a world of good.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

As I sit here at my computer writing this post, Mary Ann is in bed and secure.  Even though the door is closed and the bedroom is in another part of our small townhome, I can see her in bed.  Sometimes electronics actually help!

This afternoon we made a stop at Babies R Us.  I ran in and purchased an A-V monitor set.  It includes a camera, video display unit and a portable audio-only unit that can be clipped to a belt.  What is especially important for me is the size of the video unit.  it has a seven inch screen.  For me that means that as I look at the computer screen, out of my peripheral vision I can see her movements.

After ending up back at the Dermatologist’s office to sew up again a large incision that had broken open completely when Mary Ann fell directly on the stitched area, I decided that I needed to either be joined to her at the hip or find some way to see when she gets up from the chair even if I am not in the room.

I called the manufacturer before I bought this set to determine how to obtain a second camera.  That way I can have one in the bedroom aimed at the bed and one in the living room aimed at her chair.  On Monday, I am going to check on whether or not I could buy another kit (the cheaper one without the audio-only unit) and have two screens as well as two cameras.  I would like to be able to have one in a spot in the kitchen that will allow me to see her from there or from the dining room table, providing even more security. After she was in bed this evening, I was at the dining room table and barely heard her calling.  She had tried to turn over in bed and ended up on her knees on the floor next to the bed.

It just worked!  As I was typing the previous sentence, I saw her moving around.  I checked on her and found her trying to turn over to face the opposite direction.  I was able to help her.  Her Parkinson’s has taken from her the ability to move freely in bed.  I would rather help her when she begins the task of moving than wait until there is a problem that might result in damage.

This new monitor will replace the audio-only baby monitor that we have been using.  One problem for us with audio only is that her voice has gotten so low in volume that it is very difficult to hear her calling over the sound of the television in the bedroom.  The television is Mary Ann’s version of a night light.  While having the television on in the bedroom is not recommended by those who study sleep patterns, it is an important part of Mary Ann’s world.

The security that the A-V monitor provides is not just Mary Ann’s security.  The prime goal is to protect Mary Ann from harm.  Not far behind that goal is the goal of my freedom and peace of mind.  When she is out of sight, I am always aware of her potential for getting hurt, mostly from popping up out the chair and ending up on the floor.  I can feel the stress relief that comes with having her in view when she is in another room.

One of the heaviest burdens of Caregiving is the loss of freedom to move about at will.  When she fell, I had just gone into the kitchen to get something for her.  To lose the freedom to move about the house would be intolerable.  One of my primary distractions when trapped at home is the computer.  I need the freedom to head down the hall, away from the television and concentrate on what I am doing at this desk.  This monitor, as long as it continues to work, gives me that freedom without sacrificing her safety.

There is no way to guarantee that Mary Ann will not fall and be hurt.  What this does is simply add to the practical tools for creating as safe an environment as I can within the limits of available resources.  While we cannot control what happens, we do have some control.  This is another way to use what power I have to help create a safe environment for someone no longer able to keep herself safe.

The monitor I chose is a Summer Day and Night Color Flat Screen Video Monitoring System.  The model number is 02500.  It is available at Toys R Us, or Babies R Us.   If you want to check it out, the web site of the manufacturer is, http://www.summerinfant.com. There was also a monitor I checked on that has a smaller screen but has optional software that allows the monitor to be checked online.  That one is called a MOBI Bundle Monitoring System and Internet Kit.  The website at which I found it was http://www.ActiveForever.com.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

One of my fears about falling was realized this afternoon.  We live in a very narrow margin of functionality.  We slipped outside the margin for a time today.  The result is an apparent need to change a pattern that has been allowing both Mary Ann and me moments of freedom from being tethered to each other. 

Yesterday morning was the procedure to remove another in a series of Basal Cell Cancers that have been appearing on Mary Ann’s back and upper chest.  The procedure was done in the Dermatologist’s office.  We like him.  He seems to be very committed to the field and always upgrading his knowledge and skills. 

His office, however, is right from the 1950’s.  It is very small, a narrow hallway leading to tiny rooms with pocket doors, bathrooms barely able to hold one person standing up, let alone somone in a wheel chair.  There is a nice flat screen television in the waiting room, among the old furniture.  The equipment doesn’t always work, but it is adequate, and procedures are done well.

The spot on the back of her shoulder was not large.  To guarantee that the perimeter of the patch of skin removed was clear of Cancer cells, a pretty large area of flesh was removed.  Each time a procedure has been done, I have watched each step.  The rooms are very small, so I always have an unobstructed view. 

It is always a surprise to me to see the size of the string of stitches when the the wound has been sutured.  In this case, it was at least a couple of inches long.  He sutures the lower edge of the epithelium, deep in the hole left after the circle of skin is removed.  That is a very tedious process, including a number of steps with each of the many stitches.  Then comes the suturing of the surface edges.  The round opening is pulled together into a line, not exactly straight, but close.  Again each stitch takes multiple steps. 

He made a point of closing the wound tightly since Mary Ann takes Plavix and aspirin.  The doctor observed that Plavix actually sometimes gives surgeons more trouble that Coumadin, a much more powerful blood thinner.  He wanted to be sure there would be no problem with bleeding. 

The day went well after the surgery.  Even though we had been given suggestions for dealing with pain, Mary Ann reported no pain.  The doctor called last evening to ask how she was doing.   There were no problems. 

Today was a good day in many ways.  Mary Ann went to her weekly small group meeting at church.  I was basking in the possibility of a water problem in our back yard turning into a beautiful garden and water feature.  Most importantly, some gossip came my way — good gossip.  The sadly empty building that used to be our Baskin-Robbins ice cream place — yes, I said ours, by squatter’s rights — may eventually open again. 

After lunch, I actually managed to do some cooking using a very complicated recipe.  Here it is:  Brown one large package of country style boneless pork ribs in a large frying pan, then transfer them to a crock pot, add a bottle of KC Masterpiece barbecue sauce and cook them forever.  The recipe is came to us from Larry and Jolene, when they brought over a huge and sumptuous meal.  My creative addition to the recipe is to open a couple of cans of beans and add them to the crockpot a half hour or so before eating.  Enough of the culinary diversion.

Mary Ann wanted a snack.  We had some ice cream.  She ate part of it and decided there was something in it.  I find those hallucinations to be especially annoying, since once they appear, the only alternative is to throw away perfectly good food for no good reason.   An hour later, Mary Ann popped up out of her chair, and as I suspected had decided she needed another snack.  I couldn’t pass up an comment on the last snack’s fate, and then I headed for the kitchen to see what I could find for her. 

I left her standing beside the transfer chair.  As soon as I got to the kitchen, I heard the familiar thump of her falling.  It was in an open carpeted area.  She hit nothing that might hurt her.  Normally, such a fall is just routine.  Not this time.  She landed directly on the shoulder that had been stitched up yesterday morning after the surgery on the skin Cancer. 

I knew it would be so, and as soon as I got her to the bedroom to look at it, my fear was confirmed.  The blood was running.  I headed for the case we have filled with first aid supplies we have gathered after past experiences like this.  I got a thick surgical pad and some tape to try to contain the bleeding until we could get back to the doctor.  The tape I had  (too narrow) combined with the awkward location of the incision resulted in blood seeping through to her clothing in spite of my best efforts. 

 I called the doctor’s office and was advised to do the obvious, bring her in.  The doctor had to send home a patient who had been stuck and prepped for a procedure because Mary Ann’s wound could not wait.  She had done something he had never seen before in his career (started medical school forty years ago).  She had torn open the two inch stream of stitches on the top and deep within the wound.   He had to start over completely.

The afternoon grew in complexity as it went on.  The doctor had sent home the other patient prepped for a procedure.  As he and two assistants were doing a cluster of preparatory tasks for Mary Ann’s repair, the doctor’s preschool-aged grandson came running down the hall.  He poked his head in.  He was not put off at all by what he saw.  Obviously he had wandered in on procedures before.  What added to a sort of chaotic tone that was developing was that the little boy’s mother. the doctor’s daughter-in-law came down the hall holding a cloth to her forehead.  She had run into a door and was also in need of stitches. 

The doctor left Mary Ann to attend to his daughter-in-law.   The assistants continued the prep, obviously a little unsure of how to proceed.  During that time the two assistants were sharing with each other their concern that they both had to leave and could not stay much longer.  One  had an appointment to take her two year old horse to be broken.  The other had to pick up her preschooler (who happened to be attending the preschool at the church from which I retired last summer). 

The doctor had done some preliminary work on his daughter-in-law so that she could wait until he was done with Mary Ann for her stitches.  When he returned, the imminent departure of his two assistants became clear.  The word went out to the office manager who had been with him for much of his practice to scrub up so that she could take over when the assistant’s left. 

Through all this, every time we checked with Mary Ann, she said she was fine.  She lay a long time on that table as he redid the entire suturing process.  It was long and tedious.  As time went by we all began to appreciate the craziness of how the afternoon was going.  They all commented on how uneventful the day had been up until we injected some drama into their day.  I told them that if it was okay with them, we would opt out of any future need for excitement being added to their day. 

The moment, Mary Ann is in bed.  As a her Caregiver, I have a dilemma.  First of all, I bear responsibility for what happened.  Had I been there with my hand on her gait belt, I could have prevented the fall.  Secondly, I was not calm and reassuring after it happened.  Instead, my frustration with the situation spewed out of my mouth.  Gratefully, I moved quickly and got done what needed to be done.  My dilemma is the implication this has for how I go about my Caregiving task. 

I have felt free to be in the kitchen for a time, go down the hall to my office to be at the computer for short times during the day,  go to the end of the block to get the mail.   At least until the stitches heal fully, this episode suggests that freedom no longer to be an option.  Mary Ann simply cannot keep from getting up and going.  I need to be there immediately to offer an elbow or put my hand on the gait belt. 

Tomorrow, I need to follow through on getting an audio-visual monitor from Babies R Us, or wherever I can find one.  If I can keep the receiver with me wherever I am in the house, maybe Mary Ann and I will not need to be joined at the hip every minute of every day.  That much closeness would all but assure both of us going completely crazy.   It would not be a pretty sight.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

Who can we talk with about our predicament, who isn’t tired of hearing it or just doesn’t have any frame of reference to really understand what we are going through?  It is terribly easy to become isolated.  Since conversation isn’t an easy thing to accomplish when words for one are difficult to find, let alone get out where they can be heard, a longing to talk and listen and be understood. 

Last Thursday evening Mary Ann and I attended a monthly Parkinson’s Support group meeting in our area.  The group varies in size, but lately I would guess there have been thirty-five to forty-five of us in attendance. 

I remember the first support group we attended just a few years into Mary Ann’s diagnosis.  It was in another city — a large group with Parkinsonians at all levels of symptoms.  I can remember seeing one man in particular who was so dyskinetic that it was all he could do just to stay on the chair, arms and legs flying everywhere.  I suspected it would be so.  After that visit to a support group, it has been all but impossible to get Mary Ann to another one anywhere.  It just seemed scary to see the possibilities for her future right there before her eyes.  It was a denial shattering experience. 

Now that I am retired, we have started attending a local Support Group.  Mary Ann is now far enough along in the progression of the disease that there are few, if any, more debilitated than she is present at any given meeting.  Last Thursday was one of the times we separate into two groups, Caregivers and Carereceivers.  Those who attend the support group seem to especially appreciate the evenings we divide into the two groups. 

There is an agreement we make when we head into our respective rooms.  What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.   We are free to talk openly about our respective struggles without concern that what we say will be shared with anyone outside those gathered there.  That means, I will not share what was said, at least in specific terms, only in general terms. 

Both Mary Ann and I especially appreciated our respective group conversations last Thursday.   In the Caregiver group, we share our unique circumstances and our central problem.  We understand each other.  We help each other by sharing how we have dealt with challenges that are just coming over the horizon for others.  We pool our knowledge and each leaves with a new piece of information, a new possibility for dealing with whatever we are going through at the moment.  If nothing else, we have had a chance to vent for a moment with people who actually do understand what we are going through. 

It takes courage to break out of our isolation and open ourselves to people, most of whom we barely know.  When I was working full time, my circumstances allowed me to talk freeling with caring people with whom I worked.   When I retired, that outlet ceased.  That support group ended.  I realize now even better just how important it is to take seriously the need to connect regularly with people who are traveling the same landscape, who can support us in very concrete ways with information and insight. 

The Leader who facilitates our group on the evenings we divide into the two groups is the Caregiver Program Specialist for this Area’s Agency on Aging.  The website for our Area Agency is www.jhawkaaa.org. I suspect that in most other areas there are such programs available.  We discovered that help is available for some of the equipment that is needed to help with the mobility and safety of our Loved Ones. We discovered that there are programs that provide respite care so that Caregivers can have a break from hours to days, including overnight.  There is even some funding that allows that care to be given at little or no cost to folks who need the help, with no income guidelines restricting its use.  While there may or may not be funds in your area, it is important to look for support options.  We cannot do this for long by ourselves.  For our sake and the sake of our Loved One, seek support options. 

In our case, the combination of family, Volunteers, paid workers from private agencies, and County or Regional programs for the Aging combine to help us find a balance that raises our quality of life.  For those who have earned income and must use paid help to keep working, there is a tax credit available for dependent care. 

One piece in the support puzzle for me is an online group for the spouses of those who have Lewy Body Dementia.  Since Mary Ann has now been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease Dementia, the group has been a meaningful addition to my world of Caregiving.  That group is available at any time day or night.  They are as close as the keyboard on the computer.   Members of that group share completely openly, confident that others understand.  Someone in that group has been, is now, or will be experiencing their plight.  Members can cry on each other’s shoulder or laugh at the silliness we sometimes encounter.  Whatever the chronic disease that lives at your place, there is likely to be an online group to be found by searching for the name of the disease adding words like support or support groups.  I found this group through the Lewy Body Dementia Association site,  www.lbda.org.

Caregivers do not only give the hands-on care, we are charged with the task of seeking out and managing options for support that keep us and our Loved Ones safe and healthy.  When someone asks what he/she can do to help, suggest conducting a search of resources.  As Caregivers we are often overwhelmed with the steady stream of needs.  It is important for each of us to move out of our isolation and through our reticence to reach out to others for support. 

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

As I traveled in the car coming back from my Renewal Retreat, I thought about how the transition back to my role as the full time Caregiver would go.  Having done retreats before, I knew that once I was in the door, there would be little chance to ease back into the demands.   Having realistic expectations about the transition back to Caregiving duties has helped me very much in the last years. 

It is actually unreasonable to expect the person who has been left at home to be anxious to celebrate the wonderful experience you have had away from him/her.  As Caregivers it is important for us to try to put ourselves in the place of our Carereceiver who does not have the luxury of going on a retreat and enjoying some solitude, doing things for the sake of renewal, things they can no longer do. 

Sometimes the very things we do to help maintain our equilibrium so that we can continue to be good Caregivers make our Loved One’s jealous.  How could it be otherwise.  We are the people closest to them.  We are the ones they depend on for all their needs.  They would love to be able to take care of themselves.  They would love to take some time to do the things that used to bring them joy.  They would love to get away on their own just to enjoy themselves.  They can’t any longer.  Our freedom, however limited we may feel it to be, can be for them a painful reminder of the freedom they have lost. 

As a result, sometimes Caregivers don’t hear the words of appreciation for all they do, words they would like to hear.  Sometimes Caregivers receive some passive aggressive indications that they are not appreciated.  Sometimes Caregivers feel as if their Loved Ones resent them instead of appreciate them.  Sometimes they do resent us, whether it is fair or not for them to do so.

I have taken over the kitchen duties from Mary Ann.  Her way of responding if anyone asks about cooking is to say, “Theywon’t let me in the kitchen any more.”  She says it with a tone that sounds blaming.  It is the way she expresses her frustration that she has lost one of her most meaningful activities, one from which she got lots a positive feedback and satisfaction.

When the Grandchilren come and visit, there are hugs and kisses for both Grandma and Grandpa, but I am the one who can respond to the Grandchilren, who can talk with them and read to them and play with them.  The attention they give me is hard for Mary Ann to see.  It is another reminder to her of what she has lost. 

When people visit for any reason, her words are few or barely audible due to the progression of the Parkinson’s Disease.  I am the one who engages in conversation.  She has always been the entertaining one who had the smart-aleck comments to make.   She still has that wicked sense of humor and will get you when you least expect it.  Those who know her well still enjoy her sense of humor.  Now, her thoughts don’t always translate into audible words quickly enough to keep up with many conversations.   Of course, she gets frustrated and a little jealous.   

Caregivers are the ones who are the most accessible when Carereceivers need to vent their frustrations.  Their limitations are highlighted by anything we do, especially anything that was in their territory before the chronic illness took its toll. 

We feel hurt that we are doing so much for them but are not appreciated adequately for it.   One of the tasks that comes with caring for someone we love is to allow them to express their frustration, yes, even at us.  We are only human, so it does hurt when it happens.  The real culprit here is the chronic disease, in our case, the Parkinson’s.  While resentment and hurt feelings are a part of the Caregiver/Carereceiver relationship, it is the third member of the relationship, the chronic disease that is the source of the frustrations. 

In our best moments, we can talk about the frustrations and the jealousies and the hurt feelings and the lost freedoms.  My goal in keeping my equilibrium in the face of what the Parkinson’s has tried to steal from us is to match expectations with reality.  If I am constantly expecting Mary Ann to behave in a way that caresses my ego as a noble Caregiver, when she does not, my feelings are hurt, I am disappointed, and even more frustrated by all the difficult tasks associated with that Caregiving.  When I remember what has been taken from her, how hard it is for her to accept that she cannot do almost all of the things that formerly brought her satisfaction, when I remember what she has lost, it is easier to accept the times her frustrations come my way. 

It isn’t fair, it is just what it is.   Yes, there are sometimes hurt feelings and misplaced frustrations.  It comes with the territory.   The goal is to recognize the real culprit and refuse to allow that culprit to damage our relationship.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

Early this evening I returned from two nights and three days at St. Francis of the Woods Center for Spiritual Renewal in Oklahoma.  As I had anticipated in my last post, the experience was at least as meaningful as I had expected it to be.  The five hour drive provided transition time, time to unwind, time for my mind to race through whatever it needed to process so that I could fully experience the time there engaging in each moment as it came. 

It takes time to disengage and let go of all the pressures and responsibilities of Caregiving and work, if you have other work in addition to Caregiving.  A three day Retreat allows time that needed time.  Knowing that Mary Ann was in capable hands during the time I would be gone was important to allowing the freedom to let go. 

For those who know our household, it is hardly necessary to add that the trip down included a stop at Braum’s for a two scoop hot fudge Sundae with lots of salted pecans, topped with whipped cream and a cherry.  Let’s be straight about this renewal business.  Ice cream (or whatever your favorite treat is) goes a long way toward nourishing the rest and renewal muscles. 

The retreat content was as described in my last post.  There was no agenda.  I needed time to be free to initiate activity as I felt the need.  When Caregiving, of necessity, Mary Ann’s needs take priority.  By contrast, on this Retreat, I decide what to do and when to do it. 

I walked outdoors for hours.  I walked slowly, savoring the sounds and sights and sensations as they came.  I engaged fully each moment.  I felt the warmth of the sun and the feel of the breeze early the first evening.  I watched and listened intently for birds especially.  I watched an Oklahoma storm develop and pass over.  During nine years living in Oklahoma City, both Mary Ann and I came to love watching those storms develop.  

When the storm started producing lightning, I had enough sense to head back to the cabin.  I knew that Mary Ann would be pretty irritated if I was struck by lightning and she was left to fend for herself.  In fact, if I were hit by lightning and did not survive, she might very well have me cremated and spread my ashes in a fabric store to languish there for an eternity.  Given the option, I would prefer fire and brimstone.  Needless to say, I moved to safety very quickly. 

The next day was chilly, but bright.  I walked again.  On occasion I stopped to sit on the camping stool tied to my backpack to read or just sit and look and listen.  I suppose I accumulated eight or so hours out in that beauty that day.  Today I walked again for a couple more hours, this time walking faster, covering the same territory as the last two days, looking for surprises. 

In the course of my time outside, as I looked up at a nest high in a tree with my binoculars, I was startled by two eyes staring back at me as a Long-Eared Owl sat on her nest.  I was examined by a couple of nearby wild turkeys to see if I was a threat.  Apparently they concluded that I was not.  I was checked out by five circling Turkey Vultures trying to determine if I would be a fitting afternoon snack.  In fact this morning three circled overhead and one got so close that I could actually hear his wings flapping.  After seeing a White-tail Deer run off in the woods, a buck that was still out of sight tried to intimidate me with his loud and threatening snorting.  There is more, but that is for another post for those who love to walk in nature. 

I have to say that while there was utter solitude most of the time I was on the Retreat, I never felt lonely, I never really felt alone.  In those settings I feel a fullness, a wholeness that is sometimes hard to feel when I am in more populated settings. 

When I was at the farthest point on my wanderings, sitting in a cluster of trees, turkeys nearby, I took out my cell phone and called Mary Ann.  She wasn’t home at that moment, but I left a message with a few words about where I was and what I was doing, letting her know that I was thinking of her and that I love her. 

There is something that has come to be so for me about solitude, meditation and the power of renewal imbedded in them.  If the experience draws me away from relationship, isolates me, separates me from those I love, it is not, in my eyes, an authentic experience.  While as full time Caregivers, we need time for breaks, moments of escape, that is not the purpose of a Renewal Retreat.  If my goal on the Retreat were just escape, it would make of what I do as a Caregiver bondage instead of a meaningful calling.  If escape is the primary purpose of the Retreat, it will not renew, but do the opposite, magnify the frustrations and make the return home a time of dread. 

The purpose of a Renewal Retreat is to find yourself to be whole, fulfilled, grounded and full of life, life that cannot be stolen from you by challenging circumstances.  The images and sounds and smells and feelings, the experiences can become a well from which draughts of refreshment can be drawn in a moment’s reflection even during a busy and even frustrating day of Caregiving. 

The motivation for a Renewal Retreat is not simply self-serving.  It is pretty tough to have a meaningful relationship with someone you claim to love whether they are in need of care or not, if you feel unfulfilled and empty.   Then relationships come to be about filling our unfulfilled needs.  Relationships come to be about getting instead of giving because we have nothing to give.  Ultimately, no one else can make us whole, give our lives meaning, fill our needs.  A Renewal Retreat as I experience it gives me a sense of fulness and meaning that helps me discover again who I am, so that I can respond to Mary Ann’s needs without losing myself.  I can be a better  Caregiver and a better husband — never even close to perfect, just better.

Just as a Post Sript, the retreat ended with a lunch that is provided weekly for the staff and those who are a part of the leadership at St. Francis.   Gratefully, guest retreatants are welcome to join them for lunch.  A more delightful crew would be hard to find.  I especially enjoyed the reflective time after lunch, processing spiritual renewal and learning from one another.   Renewed in solitude and in community — what a treat!

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

Tonight I am anticipating a three day retreat from Caregiving.  It will begin as soon as the car is loaded and on the road in the morning.  I will travel between five and six hours on the Interstate to get to a place that has provided respite and renewal to me off and on for almost twenty years.  

I will tell you some of things I look for in a Retreat, some of the things I do, but what is more important is for each of you who serves as a Caregiver to find a place that renews your spirit.   What provides you with respite and renewal is likely to be much different from what does it for me.

The place I will go is called St. Francis of the Woods Spiritual Renewal Center.  To go there requires no particular Spirituality.   There I will find complete solitude.  The cottages are very comfortable and very few.  That there are very few cottages is the reason for my expectation of solitude.  There will be no agenda to follow, no meal times to honor.  It will be in complete contrast to the Caregiving Role that is done entirely in response to someone else’s needs. 

There is a beautiful, ornate, Orthodox chapel there for those who appreciate that environment.  There is a library filled with books intended for those seeking renewal.  St. Francis includes a five hundred acre working farm.  There are pastures and woods, a chicken house filled with clucking hens and crowing roosters.  Fresh eggs can be purchased — the honor system – get a dozen from the fridge and leave the money in the basket.  There are paths carved out in the woods, with the occasional bench.  There are areas with no paths, filled with wildlife to be surprised as you come into sight.  There is a small remote field a decent hike’s distance across a trickle of a creek, maybe a mile and a half’s walk away from any of the cottages.  It is surrounded by woods with only one path for a tractor to reach it for any planting or cutting of hay.  That is the spot that touches my spirit and renews me. 

The drive there is a vital part of the experience.  The music CD’s are carefully chosen to help me transition from activities and attitudes that fill my days at home (and at work when I was still working full time).  That time allows me to be prepared for the hoped for renewal time on the Retreat.   The return trip is often a powerful time, since, with an uncluttered and rested mind, solutions to problems often emerge, decisions can be made with clarity.  For me,  a two night stay with travel there on the first day and travel back on the third day is the most effective pattern for renewal.

On the Retreat itself I will carry with me a couple of books that provide me with the spiritual tools I need to stay grounded and grow in learning how to quiet myself so that I am receptive to renewal.  I will bring a couple of books on Quantum Physics, since, while I know very little and struggle to understand them, I find them to enlarge my perspective in a way that excites my spirit.   I will take with me some good binoculars and a spotting scope given to me by my Son.  I will engage to the fullest extent my senses will allow, every dimension of that holy space. 

I will do some journaling periodically as I sit on the three legged stool that I strap to my backpack, or one of the benches if it happens to be in the right place at the right time.  The journaling tends to take me to a place of perspective on my life’s journey.  When I am on retreat, I have a chance to move out of reactive mode.   I can rediscover my center of being as a single individual in a magnificently huge universe.  I can look from a distance at my relationship with Mary Ann, with the caregiving that is a part of our relationship.  Without fail, my love and commitment to her has been renewed on those retreats, the spiritual strength that sustains me has been renewed and enlarged. 

Self-care is not simply an optional task among the many that come with life’s challenges, especially for those charged with the care of another human being.  Self-care is what allows the possibility of being of any use to anyone else, especially the One for whom you care. 

I suspect the question that first comes to mind for many Caregivers is how on earth it is possible to find time to go on a retreat.  Who will care for my Loved One while I am gone?   How will I afford it?  It will only happen if you accept that your self-care has priority.  If something is needed badly enough, we find a way to do it.  We need to eat.   We find a way to do it. 

I went on these retreats when I was working full time and caring for Mary Ann full time when not away from the house at work.  There were some Volunteers who developed the confidence to be a part of the crew who stayed with her when I was gone.  Our daughter and her family chose to move to town to help us out for a couple of years.  During that time, she took one or both of the nights I was gone.  My daughter and her family have driven ten hours to visit this week, encouraging me to take this three day Retreat during part of their stay.

There  are some local organizations that for a charge (one charges $150) will come overnight for a twelve hour shift.  There is a local facility that will provide residential care for an overnight, again, for a charge.  When I began going to St. Francis, the suggested donation was $6.00 per night.  Now it is up to almost half the cost of a night in a motel — a bargain to say the least. 

Your task is to determine what it is that would allow you to disengage for a time from the stream of demands coming your way, what activity would be renewing to you.  It is not impossible to do.  It may is terribly difficult, but it will never happen unless  you decide it needs to happen, it is worth doing.  Do it once or twice and you will understand why it needs to happen.  Take each obstacle to doing whatever renewal activity would be meaningful one at a time.  Do not allow one of the obstacles to sabotage the whole idea.  Reframe the nature of the retreat if need be.  That may mean finding a B&B an hour away instead, or a friend’s vacation home, or the farm still owned by a family member. 

Self-care is not one option among many for a Caregiver.  It is precisely what is needed to do the very task you are called to do.  Love the One for whom you are caring enough to take care of yourself.

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

I have heard it hundreds of times when listening to folks who want to help when someone’s spouse has died, “Call me if you need anything.”   I have said it.  Sometimes it is said because the person offering just doesn’t know what to do to help. They probably already have brought food to the house. Sometimes it is said because the person saying it knows there will be a time later when the first wave of attention has subsided that the needs will come. Sometimes it is said just to have something to say, and the one saying it has no expectation that he/she will be called.

My experience has been that people do want to help when there has been a death or when chronic illness has entered the life of a friend. First of all, people genuinely don’t know what to do. They don’t know what to offer to do and when to offer it. They really do want you to call and ask.

There are some problems with the offer and even the intention.  First of all, you may not know what to suggest, what you need.  You may have very little idea what would be helpful to you, until whatever it is actually becomes an identifiable problem.  It is hard to know what people are actually willing and able to do.  It is hard to know when to ask them.  When will they have time to do what you have finally discovered would be helpful? 

Assuming you have decided what you need done, how do you muster the courage to make the phone call?   If you make the call and ask, what if they really don’t want to do it, or need not to do it, but they say yes because they don’t want to hurt your feelings?  What if they say no, for whatever reason?  Do you dare call them again?  They will tell you to call again, but how long should you wait?  You certainly don’t want to hear a “no” again.  It doesn’t take too many times calling for help before you begin to feel as if you are begging, manipulating, wearing out your welcome.  The last thing you want is for your friends to begin to dread your calls. 

Then, of course, you should be able to handle it all.  You are a capable person.  Why should you ask someone else to do something  you are perfectly able to do?  If you ask people to help you will feel obligated to them.  You will owe them something in return.  You have enough to do just taking care of your Loved One, the house (inside and outside), the car, your job, making meals, doing wash — the list is endless.  How will you have time to return the favor or at least adequately thank the person, compensating them with the efforts you put into those thanks?

Let’s begin with the reason for letting people help.  The truth is, the real truth, people need to help other people.  We are wired to live in community.  That means people need to help each other in some way.  Whether you understand humans to be intentionally created by a Someone, or the product of accidents of a natural process, our DNA leads us to work together.  That is how we have come to accomplish so much as a species.  To be truly human, we need to do part of a larger task so that we all can survive.  People need to help.  How can they help if no one is willing to let them??  To allow someone to help you is to allow them to grow and flourish and find joy and meaning and satisfaction as the truly human beings they are constructed to be.  Your need opens possibilities in the lives of others, your friends.  Care enough about them to let them help. 

That sounds reasonable (at least to me).  The question is, how do we ask, given all the reasons not to call?  In our years of dealing with Parkinson’s and finally coming to the point of simply not being able to do this on our own, we have come upon a way to ask for help, a way that avoids almost all of the disincentives to calling people for help. 

It started this way.  One winter, during one of the dramatic downward plunges on our roller coaster ride, Mary Ann could no longer be left alone.  I was working more than sixty hours a week at a terribly demanding job (technically I was on call twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week – seldom but sometimes called out during the night).  I was too young to retire and survive financially.  We couldn’t afford the fifteen to twenty dollars an hour for paid caregivers.  Multiply that amount by sixty hours per week and see what it would have cost. 

I was serving as the Pastor of a large and active congregation.  Our Parish Nurse immediately got on the phone and called some people for us, asking if they would stay with Mary Ann.  They did!!!  Margaret phoned. They could say yes or no to her with no concern for hurting our feelings.  They could decide for themselves if that was something they had the time and interest in doing.  When finally Margaret could no longer serve all the other folks in need in the congregation and make all those contacts, Carol took over.  She seemed to enjoy making the calls and talking with people and making such a difference in our lives — and serving the congregation in an important way.

There were over sixty-five Volunteers at one time in these last seven or eight years.  When Carol’s health made it impossible for her to continue that full time task, it was the time that our Daughter, Lisa, and her family moved here to help us out.  Many Volunteers were still needed. Mary and Edie were added to the coordinators doing the calling.  To this day I have no idea how Carol managed that task by heself all those years. 

Here is where technology entered the picture.  Under Helpful Caregiving Resources on the right side of the page of this screen there is a website that has made the impossible possible.  It is www.lotsahelpinghands.com.  It is a free website that allows coordinator(s) to schedule people to fill needs of all sorts.  We have used it to schedule Volunteers to stay with Mary Ann, people to give rides, provide food.  Any tasks can be scheduled.  The site sends out Email reminders periodically up to the day before the person’s scheduled task.  For those who do not do the computer, the coordinator makes phone contacts and enters the information.  People can go online and schedule themselves in a slot that has not been filled.   Check it out.  It is a powerful, very well constructed site, and it is free!!

What can people do to help?  Someone who wants to do something from home can do the phoning and scheduling.  Some people are willing to help by driving your Loved One to or from something when you are not available to do so.  If you need a second set of hands for that trip in the car, someone may be willing to help.  We have some folks on a list who will come immediately if they are available when Mary Ann has fallen and the Volunteer with her is not able to get her up.   There are people who will stay overnight with her if I need a night’s rest.  There are people who have come and picked up clothes to iron for us.  There are folks willing to shop or run errands for us if we can’t get out.  Of course there are many who are happy to bring some food over.   Develop a list of ways people can help.  Maybe you could do it all — but I doubt it — not for long.  Ultimately, insisting on doing it all by yourself will remove your ability to do any of the Caregiving. 

Caregiver, “What can I do to help?”  Have an answer ready, many answers.  Have a way for them to help by doing what they are able to do,  what they want to do, when they can do it.  You are only human.  You cannot do it all.  They need the opportunity to help, not just to be only human but to be truly human. 

Think about it.  What help do you need?  What can people do to make a difference for good in your life?

If you want to write a comment about this or any of the posts on this blog, look to the column on the right side of this page, titled “Recent Posts,”  click on the name of a post and you will find a box at the end of that article in which you can write a comment.  Clicking on the title of the post you are reading will accomplish the same thing.  Comments are appreciated.

Mary Ann is in bed now, watching television.  I am sitting at the computer on the other side of a closed door, around the corner and down the hall in my office writing this post.  What if she need’s me?  How will I know?  She needs my help to take care of basic bathroom needs.  The Parkinson’s Disease has quieted her voice.  Getting out of bed and walking out to find me is not always an option as mobility has diminished over the years. 

I can hear what is happening in the bedroom through the surprisingly powerful speaker on the baby monitor sitting just to my left on the corner desk on which the computer monitor sits.  I can disconnect it from the power cord, use the batteries, and walk outside or sit on the deck and hear her movements. 

I have a love/hate relationship with another of our communication devices – the electronic doorbell.  A number of years ago, I found an inexpensive electronic doorbell system that included two button units and the sound unit (about the size of a pager).  I bought two systems.  There is a button in each of the two upstairs bathrooms within reach of the toilet stool.  There is a button next to the bed in case I don’t hear her through the baby monitor.  There is a button on the table by the parking space for the transfer chair where she takes up residence each day.  The sound unit (only one still works) sits in a central location. 

Let me tell you why the relationship with that doorbell is a love/hate relationship.  The sound of that bell rings in my ears.   It immediately triggers that same reactive fight or flight response that helped our ancient ancestors survive.  It means I must stop what I am doing and move, hopefully, to the right button location.  The need may be an urgent trip to the bathroom or bedside commode.  The need may be to pull a cover over her, turn her in bed, turn the television off, the ceiling fan on or off, have a drink of water, Tums for her tummy, a snack.  It may be to deal with the mice or rats she often sees in the bed.  Hallucinations and vivid dreams are gifts from the Parkinson’s that journeys with us.  How can I help but hate the sound of that doorbell? 

I love that doorbell.  It is the bell that tolls freedom for me.  Were it not for that bell, I couldn’t venture to another part of the house to write a post or listen to some music or read an article or calm my spirit with a moment’s peace.  Without the bell, I would be tied to Mary Ann’s side — which, by the way, would annoy her more than me.  Without the bells, she would have no privacy, nor would I.  Without the bell she would need to be in sight every moment of every day until one or both of us cracked and crumbled. 

I think I have gotten a little dramatic about the bell.  It is just a cheap electronic doorbell.  Mary Ann doesn’t even always remember to push the button next to her — but it helps when she does.  The Parkinson’s is here to stay.  We choose not to give it the power to rule our lives.  If a cheap electronic doorbell defuses some of the Parkinson’s power to rule, so be it.