No post tonight. I just drove ten hours. I am wasted. The trip went well. Coming into the house has not been as difficult as I expected. The weekend was healing and helpful. There were some moments of deep sadness as I began the trip home, but most of the day was okay. There were times I thought about some of the worst moments in our last days. It was hard to see Mary Ann weakening. Those images will always be powerful. I was able to feel the sadness, lament her suffering, touch the guilt of not being more consistently kind to her over the years, without getting lost in the feelings. I can’t change what I did or did not do, what she suffered. Embracing His love and forgiveness, freely given, offers hope that healing will continue.
July 12, 2010
The Caregiver Calling 
July 13, 2010 at 7:22 am
A very dear friend of mine who has survived deeply painful losses, including the tragic death of one son in his youth due to an accident on their farm and then, twenty years later an equally tragic loss when the remaining son took his own life, unable to deal with self-imposed guilt and pain over losing his brother, has a deep and abiding faith which carries her through each day, perhaps some days even each hour. She told me this an it has remained in my thoughts when I face grief, my own or others, giving hope for the future no matter who dark it seems:
“…it (grief, loss) never gets better. But over time, it gets different…and different it better.”
I know that you, with all your vast education and training know all of this. But you still deal with the grief and loss and guilt and frustration and loneliness that comes..and God carrys you through this. I am grateful that you are sharing your thoughts and words. I have got back into the archives and when time allows am reading your entries starting from the earliest, as well as having read backwards to “catch up” and marvel at the words shared by each of your family members. While you all are sharing memories of Mary Ann, I am experiencing a sense of the joy that was hers in knowing who well- spoken and incredible her family is. Godspeed. This is
y long day and I need to get going!
July 13, 2010 at 8:31 pm
Pastor Pete – 39 years ago my first husband chose to end his life with a gun. It happened on May 31 and even now I go through those days under (to borrow Wm Paul Young’f words) The Great Sadness. My life has, as you know, become very good. I’m a different person because of the experience but have to admit there have been been times when I’ve acknowledged that fact to God and at the same time asked “Couldn’t I have reached this point in a less traumatic way”? God is Good, God is love, God is the great comforter. There will be hard days, the days will gradually grow less hard and your memories (the good ones) of MaryAnn and your life together will grow and overshadow the not so good one. You and your family are in my prayers and in the prayers of many many others. So the Mantle of Sadness is covered by the Mantle of Prayer and God’s unconditional love.