I am not sure that I have sat down for more than a few minutes at a time since Mary Ann died.  (It is still so hard to say that.)  I realize that it is a way to hold the pain at bay.  The pain is still fresh and raw, so working constantly takes my mind off it.

We have gotten mountains of things done.  We have made it through all the clothes.  Those are ready for disposition.  We have been through all the drawers in her dresser.  I have no explanation for this, but yesterday we missed two of the drawers.  We thought we were done, but we still had two more to go through today.  The contents were very difficult, especially the jewelry.  There were many cheap digital watches.  We kept getting new ones in hopes that we would find one she would wear and could read.  There were countless scarves.

When Son Micah came this afternoon, he mentioned the pantry.  I was able to shed about 60% of what was in there and give it to the Kids.   I found another stash of crafts downstairs.  Chloe will get that.  Micah will take the hangers (a huge bag).

Then came some rearranging of furniture.  My chest of drawers ended up in the closet, since there are not very many clothes left in there.  The table by her chair with the computer screen that constantly showed pictures of the Grandchildren is now downstairs and the computer moved to a corner in the living room.

The house is not dramatically changed, but enough so that things won’t completely revolve around the empty chair.  I can’t avoid the reality that she is gone.  I need to embrace that reality.  That realization will create wave after wave of feelings triggered by things I have yet to discover as well as some of which I am very much aware.

The medical equipment will remain in the garage for at least another week. Tonight’s threatening rain storm changed the plan of putting it all in the open bed on Micah’s truck.  Hopefully that will leave the garage by next weekend.  That is the current plan.

Daughter Lisa will stay and help some tomorrow, perhaps staying until Tuesday morning.  We have lots of things to take to various places.  The death certificates should be ready by tomorrow afternoon.  They need to be sent to various people to get wheels turning on changing accounts designations.  Plans need to be put into place to try to reduce household expenditures by the amount of her Social Security.  The practical matters keep a focus of attention and energy during these first days.

This morning was the first Sunday worship service I have attended sincer Mary Ann’s departure.  It was the first time that I have sat in the pew at the mid-morning service since I retired two years ago.  I wasn’t sure how it would feel.  It actually went very well, in comparison to how it might have gone.  I felt very much at home and surrounded with people who had become almost family over the last fourteen years.  There were lots of hugs and words of concern and support.  All shared the assurance that Mary Ann is secure in the presence of the Lord.

A number of folks have, of course, served as Volunteers at our home over the years.  They know the ins and outs of what we have been through.  A number of folks have been reading these posts and through them have come to have an intimate knowledge of our journey, especially the last few weeks.  It felt good to talk with so many people and experience how many there are supporting our family.

One development I wish had come before Mary Ann died.  A choice of her estranged Brother had hurt her deeply, separating him and his family from us.  I was able to make a connection on Facebook to fulfill my promise to Mary Ann that the message of her forgiveness be relayed to him.  The response has helped reconnect his Wife, Mary Ann’s Sister-in-Law, and his Son, Mary Ann’s Nephew, with me.  I feel a relief on her behalf that there has been some healing at least with the family.  The interactions seem to enhance the sense of peace she has won.

The day I will come into the house with no one else here is approaching very quickly.  I have not sat down since her death to keep the pain at a manageable level. I hope I can continue that defense mechanism until I get some more cleaning done — my office, the downstairs office area now holding all my outdated financial records. I doubt it will last long enough to get the storage area cleaned up.

The plans that are beginning to emerge will include contact with others, not just constant solitude. That the return to church this morning went all right is a good sign.  There is still plenty of serious grieving yet to do. I do not intend to run away from it.  It will be the key to my survival and ultimate good health.

I plan to collect and list the suggested addresses for a blog with a new theme as this new life begins.  Please continue to make suggestions as they come to mind.

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