We thought the end had come this morning when the bath aide and Daughter Lisa and I were working on her.  She made some awful sounds and her eyes opened wide and rolled back, then she stopped breathing.  After only seconds, she started breathing again.

Poor Bathe Aide Zandra left during that time to let us be with her.  I grabbed a Bible and tried to read a couple of Psalms.  Words and tears mixed, mostly tears.  In a few minutes Mary Ann stabilized to a steady heart beat and steady breathing.

Zandra had pointed out some of the telltale mottling on the bottoms of her feet.  That was at about 9:45am.  We called Hospice Nurse Emily who came out to put a dressing on one of the sores that had developed.  Her blood pressure was low, and the oxygen saturation percentage was lowering.  Gratefully, her lungs were still clear.  Mary Ann again made clear with some scary sounds that she was not happy with being moved.  Nurse Emily indicated the obvious, that it would probably be before the day was done, certainly by tomorrow that the end would come. Emily  was here late in the morning.

We kept close track of Mary Ann’s breathing, which remained pretty steady.  Then we saw that in just an hour or so, the mottling had moved from the bottoms of her feet all the way to her hips.  When we called Nurse Emily about how to determine when to use the Morphine, I told her about the mottling.  She said she would be over at 2pm, an hour from that call.

Emily talked with us for a while and shortly after she left, Mary Ann took what turned out to be her last breath.  We were all immediately at her side.  I had found one of the books I used in the ministry and put it nearby.  I read a beautifully written Commendation of the Dying liturgy.  She died during that couple of minutes.

It is hardly necessary to tell you what came next.  After I gained enough composure, I called Nurse Emily to record the time of death.  Nurse Lisa came first since she was closer.  Then Nurse Emily came and did the official recording of the time.  Nurse Emily and Nurse Lisa prepared Mary Ann for the funeral home to take her.  We had all the time we wanted before they came.

Daughter Lisa and Denis let their two little ones (5 and 7) come in to see Mary Ann. I have worked with families with children often in situations like this.  Letting children satisfy their curiosity and ask questions is very helpful.  It is better to treat things honestly without giving them more information than they want or need.  They need to hear that it is all right for their Parents and the Grandpa cry, and that their Grandma is okay even though she has died.  They need permission to be sad or silly or whatever they need to do.

Granddaughter Ashlyn (5) was mostly excited that she lost her very first baby tooth this afternoon.  She is counting on a very generous tooth fairy.

Son Micah and Becky came in next with eleven year old Granddaughter, Chloe.  This is her first Grandparent to die.  She just needed to do some crying and be nurtured by her Parents.  There were lots of hugs.

Denis took the girls to the park for a while so that they would not be there when the funeral home took Mary Ann out.  They had an appropriate experience without that.

We made all the phone calls we could think to make.  We checked to see if the Funeral could be at 11:30am on Thursday at the church (Faith Lutheran Church, 17th and Gage, Topeka, KS).  It appears that the day and time are acceptable to all parties.

There were more food deliveries today.  There have been emails and phone calls as the news has begun to spread.  At about 4:30pm Pat from Penwell Gabel Funeral home and a helper came to pick up Mary Ann.  I have done so many funerals with them in the dozen years before I retired that they are more friends than they are funeral home staff. Our appointment is set for 11am tomorrow.  We will take the dress and the pictures at that time.  Son Micah is working on a draft of the obituary.

Lisa and Micah have each been doing their grieving in ways that work for them.  There have been hugs and tears.  Each of them has a Spouse who provides them with love and support without limit.  Is is such a comfort to a Father to see that.

Pastor Mike came over and spent the next couple of hours with us, just talking about Mary Ann and our life together, as well as what might be in store for me.  It gave me a chance to talk, something I do especially when I am dealing with my feelings.  It is my mechanism for processing things.  It served as a way to keep at bay the sadness that is sitting in my gut.

I have to say that the sadness is much different from the pain of these last couple of weeks as I saw Mary Ann decline to a shadow of her former self.  The horribly painful knot in my stomach, feeling her pain, untied immediately after she died.  I want her back, but I could not tolerate seeing her in that condition any longer.  I find myself talking as if I am just fine, while just under the words are tears and sadness and a dull pain — a new one, different from before.

She no longer is in pain. That is the best news imaginable.  In my faith tradition there is no doubt that she has transitioned to a kind of joy and peace immersed in love beyond human comprehension. For those whose view of reality does not include a similar spirituality, the release from the pain and suffering of the last couple of weeks especially, is a great good.

My hope tonight is that I will share a bit in her peace by getting a good night’s sleep.  Whether or not I can sleep is another one of those things over which I have no control.  I am really getting tired of all the things over which I have no control!

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