We are still pretty much snowed in.  Actually, the street and driveway have been clear enough to get out.  The main streets are passable according to the television weather folks, but many of the side streets are not   If we did try to get out, I am not sure what we would do and why.  Mobility in a wheel chair is pretty much compromised when there is snow and ice involved, even when shoveled.

We did not venture out today and may not do so tomorrow, although we will try to get to the Evening Service at church.  I am grateful for some meatloaf from the freezer brought by Maureen some time ago.  A couple of baked potatoes and half of a small head of cabbage rounded out supper.   There should be enough leftovers for tomorrow.  There is still cold meat and cheese from a Christmas gift brought over by former members — good people.  As always, I could eat for months on what we have in the freezer, but Mary Ann would starve. 

I am afraid the time here in the house together without break is wearing thin.  Today was an NCIS Marathon on television.  I like the program and find the characters entertaining, at least I did for the first few hours.  I wander back and forth to and from the computer and the kitchen, doing whatever chores there are to get away from the television. 

Finally, I moved to the kitchen to write some thank you notes and watch some news.  Mary Ann popped up and ended up on the Living Room floor.  She did not hurt herself.  As the grumpiness sets in, I found myself resenting the unwillingness to push the button next to her so that I could get there to help.  The video/audio monitor I use keep her in sight when not by her side  was by the computer.   I should have brought it into the kitchen, but I was not going to be in there long.  Taking the monitor from room to room through the day as I go back and forth and plugging it in so that I can see her just doesn’t seem very workable to me. 

I could be more assertive in insisting that the television be adjusted to my taste, but when she is not engaged in what is on television, she is up heading to one place or another, demanding my jumping up to be at her side.  It is far less difficult for me, if whatever is on TV captures her interest. 

It would have seemed reasonable to ask Mary Ann to help with the thank you notes to involve her in something other than watching television.  It is hard for both of us, but especially Mary Ann to accept how much she has lost.  Last year, I tried including her in the Christmas Card preparation.  She simply could not do any part of the task without utter frustration.  Finally, she tried putting the stamps on the cards.  She could not manage to get the self-stick stamps off the backing and then on the envelop anywhere near the spot they need to be.  She just gave up in frustration. 

It is hard to think about how much she has lost after being so talented in so many areas.  It is clearly very painful to her.  I think that what is hardest for her is the sheer boredom of not having things to do that she is able to do.  I am often disappointed in myself that I do not engage her more in trying to do things that mitigate her boredom.  I am so busy trying to entertain myself in between just doing the basic caregiving tasks, that I can’ t seem to bring myself to add more that might entertain her.   I am certainly not proud of that gaping flaw in my caregiving. 

During her nap today I began doing an online Spirituality Retreat using the Ignatian model.  There are different materials for each of thirty-four weeks.  It is provided by Creighton University.  I do not have a very good track record for keeping at such a discipline, especially in my current role.  I am hoping by attaching the retreat activities to Mary Ann’s daytime naps, I might find it doable on a continuing basis. 

The approach is to fold the central focus of that week into all the daily activities so that ultimately, it is running in the background of the retreatant’s mind no matter what he/she is doing at any given moment. 

The first week’s focus is on going through a picture album of the retreatant’s life using the mind’s eye.  The first couple of days focus on childhood, the second couple of days on teen through young adult years and the third couple of days the retreatant’s adult life.  The goal is not just to remember, but to tap the feelings associated with those events and look for learnings that came from them, gifts that both the good events and the bad ones left behind. 

I have some free software called iDaily Diary that I use for journaling on occasion.  There I will record reflections on the pictures that come to mind.  I may share bits and pieces if they are not too private and they relate in some way to the role of Caregiver. 

Enough for now.  It is late, and Mary Ann has been getting up pretty early the last few days.  I can feel the tiredness spreading through my mind and body.  Let’s hope for a good night of sleep. 

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